Why Ouija Boards Will Destroy Your Life

Wednesday, August 17, 2016 - 07:00

There are many rules to using a Ouija board: Don't use it alone, don't use it in your own home, don't use it when it's snowing, don't use it on a bank holiday, don't use it on your cousin's birthday, etc. However, we'd like to streamline all that and whittle it down to just one essential rule:

1. Don't Use It. At All. Ever.

Seriously, nothing good ever comes of it. This is perfectly illustrated in this week's episode of Paranormal Witness, in which three sisters think it's all fun and games until they open a portal to Hell. Yes, a portal to Hell. As in where the freakin' Devil lives and sets people on fire all day long.

Here are some other ill-advised uses of the Ouija board, some more severe than others ...

  1. Ouija (2014)

    "As friends we gather, hearts are true," blah blah, it doesn't matter. It starts off cute, sure, with a chair moving by itself (adorable!), but then there's nasty spirits pretending to be Debbie (poor Debbie!) and little girls with their mouths sewn shut. Good-bye!


     
  2. A Haunted House (2013)

    Don't ever taunt the gost ... er, ghost that can't spell too good. In fact, it's so irritated by Marlon Wayans' chiding that it refuses to have the clip be embedded ... click here to watch it on YouTube.


     
  3. Paranormal Activity (2007)

    What's worse than (almost) using a Ouija board after telling your girlfriend you wouldn't? Having that Ouija board catch fire. Of, like, its own accord. At least Toby stopped to admire the plants before going all pyro.


     
  4. Witchboard (1986)

    Dream sequences, '80s hair, fog machine overdrive, and the ghost of a ten-year-old boy named David who likes to throw knives and spill ... uh, what is that stuff, exactly? Tomato juice? Tomato paste? Anyway, Witchboard.


     
  5. Alison's Birthday (1981)

    Uh ... we're not quite sure what's happening in this trailer, but it's obviously the work of demons. Really, you couldn't have played Pin the Tail on the Donkey instead, girls?


     
  6. The Exorcist (1973)

    Would you talk with anything that referred to itself as 'Captain Howdy'? Ah, the innocence of the '70s.


     
  7. 13 Ghosts (1960)

    Likewise, would you play with anything you found inside a hidden compartment in the wall (in a movie called 13 Ghosts, at that)? Not that these characters really have a choice ... the entire scene plays like an extended vintage commercial for Hasbro.


     
  8. Inherent Vice (2014)

    And finally, sometimes Ouija boards tell you where you can score some dope ... and not only is there no dope to be found, but it actually rains in L.A. as you're chasing after it like a dum-dum. Pure evil.

Paranormal Witness Season 5, Episode 3: "From H.E.L.L." airs August 17 at 10/9c.