103 thoughts I had while watching Jupiter Ascending

Contributed by
Jan 15, 2018

Jupiter Ascending came out back in 2015 to awful reviews but fervent, fervent fan love. The brainchild of Lana and Lilly Wachowski, it’s a space opera that follows Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) as she fulfills her destiny to own the Earth and become a secret space princess. She goes up against the uber-rich, dynastic House of Abraxas (Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton) with her trusty hound (Channing Tatum) by her side.

It’s really an incredible takedown of capitalism and a discussion of wealth disparity. And I wholeheartedly and unabashedly love it. Let’s get into it.

1. OH HEY JARVIS, WHAT’S UP. (James D’arcy is my favorite Jarvis don’t at me).


2. Daddy Jarvis: “Tonight the sky is completely full of miracles.”
    Mom: Uh, ok, you’re hot so let’s do this.
3. This kind of makes me wish Uranus was bigger than Jupiter, if only so that we can have a movie called Uranus Ascending because I’m an adult and that’s hilarious.
4. IT IS A TRAVESTY THAT THIS FILM KILLS JAMES D’ARCY/DADDY JARVIS OFF SO EARLY. Though, I’m still not sure I totally understand why they killed him?
5. I demand more Daddy Jarvis.
6. I love so much that Jupiter goes from cleaning lady to Space Princess. This is the best baby’s-first-fanfic movie of ALL TIME.
7. Man, I want blue glitter sand.


8. I LOVE THIS RIDICLOUS MOVIE. LIKE, SAD NOT-LEO-ROMEO-ALSO-NOT-CHASE-CRAWFORD whose name I know for some reason is Douglas Booth.

Not this guy.

Nope. Not this guy either.

THERE HE IS. THAT'S THE ONE.

9. SPACE VOLDEMORT OH HELLO SIR


10. Nothing will be better to me than the fact that Eddie Redmayne did this movie and The Theory of Everything within four months of each other and won an Oscar for the latter.
11. Not-Leo-Romeo is dressed like he’s in Ancient Rome, Eddie is dressed like he’s in a sexy version of The Count of Monte Christo.
12. This movie is about Space Capitalism and the 1% using us all to maintain their ridiculously opulent standard of living (and it is the lolsob version of too real).
13. Yes Mila Kunis, keep that ponytail going.
14. HERE COMES SPACE WEREWOLF.

15. I’m telling you this movie is where Breath of the Wild got its look..

16. I need you to know I replayed the Tena Ko'sah Shrine in Breath of the Wild so I could get a picture of the right shield.
17. SPACE ROLLERBLADES


18. WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING HIM WHAT IS THE BOUNTY WHO IS KATHERINE.
19. SPACE PARKOUR ON EARTH.
20. SPACE JET SKI.
21. This movie is just Space + object and I love it.
22. I want all the jewelry in this movie. All of it.
23. I like that Tuppence-Abraxas is best friends w/ *extreme Vincent D’Onofrio voice* LELAND Owsley.


24. I appreciate that even though the Wachowskis have done at least two future dystopian futures, they look nothing alike.
25. Eddie Redmayne is a JOY to watch in this movie. He is part Voldemort, part aging-actress-from-the-20s-who-won’t-stop-wearing-her-corset-too-tight.
26. WHY IS THERE A TALKING DRAGON?
27. How are these two women friends?? Where did Jupiter-who-is-sadly-not-Uranus meet her?
28. I love that Jupiter’s instinct here is not to save her friend, but to TAKE A PICTURE.
29. Also, who doesn’t keep their phone on silent all the time? What kind of monster are you, Jupiter?
30. “I should save my money and feel worse?” Jupiter and I are very similar.
31. Wait, Jupiter is buying a four-thousand-dollar telescope and not a Playstation 4. We are not similar.
32. Do we ever find out what the life-changing plan is that her deadbeat cousin has?
33. “That’s capitalism, babe. Shit rolls downhill, profits roll up.” USA! NUMBER ONE!
34.  “When did I go to a rave????”


35. This is about when you say, “What the hell kind of movie am I watching?”
36. YEAH SPACE WEREWOLF, DO THE THING, F*CK THOSE WEIRDLY 90’S STEREOTYPICAL LOOKIN’ ALIENS UP
37. I used to draw an alien like this in the late 90's, and I'd sell drawings to kids I went to school with. Here's a quick sketch so you can see that the resemblance is uncanny.


38. SPACE ORGY


39. GUGU!! I can’t wait to see you in A Wrinkle in Time, girl.
40. This movie’s aesthetics are amazing and I wish I could live in it.
41. Please call me a “tersie” from now on.
42. Why would they make Channing Tatum blond, though? It’s not his color. Eyeliner? Yes. Bottle blond? No.
43. This thing should just be a screencap of everything Space Voldemort wears.


44. YES GO UP IN YOUR SPARKLY GLITTERY GRAVITY TOWER SPACE WEREWOLF!
45. What even is happening right now??? Why would they shoot at someone they’re trying to get???? These are bad bounty hunters. Oh, wait no space Voldemort wants her dead. My bad.
46. Oh my god how much can one Mila Kunis’ body take.
47. The House of Abraxas: Space Voldemort, Not-Leo-Romeo, and… The Girl.
48. “No one understands me” – all movie villains should be sad man boys with parental issues because they are the most believable.
49. YES, USE THAT MAXIPAD TO STEM THE BLEED. (Although I take issue with the line “Is that a…?” implying that the space werewolf knows about maxi pads, meaning that space and technology and all that stuff is SO FUTURISTIC but people still have to deal with periods and that is the worst thing I can think of for a space fantasy.)
50. Sean Bean? More like Sean BEEEEEEEEEEES.
51. SPACE
52. PRINCESS
53. “Bees are genetically designed to recognize royalty.” I really wish this had included a montage of various actual-human Monarchs being approached by bees and not stung.
54. Oh right, the big TV is the life-changing plan. Maybe I am more of a Vlad than a Jupiter. Oh no. “Don’t touch my stuff!” I am more of a Vlad than a Jupiter.
55. There’s not enough dancing in this movie for Channing Tatum.
56. Related: Someone please make a Magic Mike in space. Thanks.
57. Hilariously, this movie disproves evolution.
58. SPACE. BREAK DANCING.


59. I’M COVERED IN BEEEEES.
60. There is so much glitter in this movie and I am so here for it.
61. Jupiter… Jones… the girl… who lived… come… to... die. – Space Voldemort
62. I need a separate movie about these beautiful bounty hunters, to be honest.
63. PRETTY DRESSES GIVE ME MORE.


64. Everything is so shiny and pretty!!!!
65. If I was 14,004 years old, I would totally take the time to watch all of One Piece.
66. Channing Tatum is just space roller blading his way through life, huh.
67. God give me such grace please.


68. PONY TAIL IS BACK AND FLAT BOOTS! MY GIRL KNOWS HOW TO DRESS TO GET BUSINESS DONE!
69. “I love dogs, I’ve always loved dogs.” This is the best line in any movie ever.
70. Bob’s lip gloss is poppin’ though.


71. The bureaucracy of it all is incredible. Humans are the Vogons of space.
72. All Jupiter needs to get her title is an old-fashioned arcade game from Fisherman’s Wharf?
73. Jupiter getting hot & bothered by her space werewolf boyfriend calling her “Your Majesty” is the actual best.
74. SEAN BEES NO WHY!!! Bet Jupiter’s really feeling that sting of betrayal.
75. I had to pause the movie so I could laugh at my own joke.
76. Not-Leo-Romeo-also-not-Chase-Crawford-from-Gossip-Girl is really harshing my buzz with how sleazy he is.
77. “I CAN FILE A TAX GRIEVANCE AGAINST YOU.” See, George Lucas, this is how you make a movie about trade routes or taxes or whatever.
78. ReGenX, ReSet, Nectar (90’s, ‘00’s, and 2010’s respectively is my guess).
79. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!
80. “Hey mom, do you uh, I don’t know, want to get married? It’s not weird, right.”
81. Channing Tatum, have your Princess Leia moment!
82. Ugh I hate Not-Leo more than I hate Space Voldemort.
83. I mean.


84. This movie is so beautiful. Even this Warhammer sequence is stunning. 
85. GIRL WHY ARE YOU MARRYING HIM, YOU MET HIM LIKE FOUR SECONDS AGO.
86. Wait, no, my favorite aesthetic is Channing Tatum asking for permission from Mila Kunis before he can do anything.
87. The combination of SPACE! And aristocracy! Is giving me life.
88. And then it turns into a Star Trek episode???? This movie is everything.
89. I generally think Eddie Redmayne’s a total cutie, and it turns out this is still true even when he is serving me Voldemort realness.
90. Really just put eye makeup on all boys.


91. Eddie Redmayne is also giving me some seriously Dark Queen Galadriel in this scene. 
92. F*CK HIM UP JUPITER. THEN KISS THE DOG. QUEEN.
93. I love this Elephant Man.


94. “You won’t pull that trigger.” TRY ME, B*TCH.
95. I can’t believe I lived long enough to watch a space werewolf in roller blades fight a space dragon on Jupiter.
96. A lesser movie would have cut that dragon’s head off, but not Jupiter Ascending, no way no how.
97. I like that this movie turns into the Universal Studios Backdraft ride at some point.
98. I so, so appreciate that Jupiter and Space Voldy get a real fight scene. F*ck. Him. Up.
99. I want a holographic tattoo, someone invent it. Thanks.
100. Sorry family, thank you for the gift, but I need to go on a date with my space werewolf angel boyfriend.
101. HE’S GOT WINGS BABY.


102. ‘Bout dang time she got her own space roller blades.
103. Jupiter Ascending: Space EVERYTHING. God bless you, Wachowski sisters.