13 thoughts I had while watching the American Horror Story: Cult finale

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Nov 16, 2017
This season of American Horror Story, as all of them are, has been the most. Every season is the most in its own extra special way -- and I really do mean extra. This season's brand of extra included, in no particular order of importance or appearance:
  • Twisty the Clown
  • Evan Peters as Charles Manson, Jim Jones, Marshall Applewhite, Andy Warhol, and a school play Jesus
  • Carrie Fisher's daughter fingering Sarah Paulson in a bathtub
  • Fried polenta
  • Dermot Mulroney's attic gimp
  • Billy Eichner banging on a door screaming "lesbians!"
  • Chaz Bono cutting off his own arm while screaming pro-Trump sentiments
  • The discovery that Valerie Solanas and SCUM were the actual Zodiac killer, not Ted Cruz like we learned in history class
  • Bees
  • A bunch of white men sitting on sleeping bags for story time
  • A family argument over whether or not matcha green tea cakes are good
And, obvously, a lot of blood, guts, and patriarchy toppling. I f*cking loved it. And the finale gave us many gifts (and gifs). Here are my 12 favorites.
 
1. Evan Peters almost suffered death by yo mama joke. I didn't write down the exact line, but this is basically what happened.

2. He’s only been in prison for 11 months and he has 16 followers of all races? I mean, it’s kind of impressive. Kai’s pretty good at this cult stuff, honestly.

3. His original plan to kill 1000 pregnant women didn’t work, so they’re going to kill 100 pregnant women instead. They’re the kind of alt-right cult that doesn’t see challenges—they see opportunities. In future job interviews this will serve them as a great answer to questions about how to turn a negative into a positive. You know, minus all the pregnant-women murder. But I believe in seeing the glass as half full, you know, seeing the good in people.

4. They’re having a watermelon and feta salad for their post-murder practice dinner. Elegant. I get it. You need a light, refreshing meal for that kind of thing. Nothing too heavy or rich. You don’t want to get the murder poos.

5. Ooh there’s going to be a post-mass-murder bonfire! Hope there are s’mores!

6. What’s up, Wendy the Waitress from How I Met Your Mother?

7. Ally turned down an interview with Lana Winters, denying us the chance to watch Sarah Paulson interview Sarah Paulson. This is a literal travesty.

8. Ally just announced that she’s running for Senate. If this whole season has been a giant commercial for Emily’s List, honestly, I’m for it.

9. Evan Peters shirtless fat-shaming his sex guard while cutting off a man’s face is a VERY Ryan Murphy move.

10. This extended monologue about how women are inferior is leading up to SUCH DEATH I'm practically giddy. 


11. This season has had a lot of slow reveals to characters we already know we're about to see onscreen.

12. I mean … I’m not going to lie. This was cathartic.

13. And now Sarah Paulson is leading SCUM, wearing a green velvet hooded cape, serving Valerie Solanas-meets-A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night realness, and all I want to do now is watch I Shot Andy Warhol and eat beef jerky (it seemed like the most dudely of foodstuffs). God DAMN I love this big dumb show.