bill and teds excellent adventure alex winter keanu reeves

15 characters we'd want to get stoned with

Contributed by
Apr 20, 2018

Dope. Hash. Grass. Mary Jane. Weed. No matter what you call it, April 20 has become the date on which we celebrate all things having to do with cannabis and the various ways people ingest, consume, absorb, or otherwise partake. 

Today, on this holiest of holidays, we're participating Team FANGRRLS-style the only way we know how: by confessing which fictional characters (and maybe one or two actual, real-life people) we'd want to get high with. Grab a chair (and a joint, if you use) and take this wild mind ride with us.

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Ted "Theodore" Logan

Listen, one simply does not make a list of characters to get stoned with and leave off half of the OG stoned time-traveling duo, Ted Theodore Logan. Before you ask why I’m only listing Ted and not his partner in bud and bogus journeys, Bill, it’s because only one of them is played by the age-defying, sexy vampire known as Keanu Reeves. 

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Who wouldn’t want to romp through time or just hang out listening to classic rock and tales of Ted’s adventures while blazing away on a lazy Sunday afternoon? People who hate joy, that’s who.

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Also, thanks to Ted’s time-travel machine, you can go back in time when you’re in the mood for young Keanu, or chill in the present with older Keanu. — Cher Martinetti

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Neo

I’ll be honest with you, I still don’t really know wtf was happening in any of The Matrix movies. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to partake in the stickiest of icky and discuss some crazy, mindbending philosophical sh*t with Neo. Neo’s the kinda guy you could only smoke Indica with, veg out on the couch, and watch Ancient Aliens (come on, you know he would) while discussing sacred geometry and spirituality. He probably even has the sickest hookup for some mind-bending herb that his sherpa got on a hike up some mountain in Tibet. — Cher Martinetti

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John Wick

Okay, so technically, Wick isn’t from the sci-fi or fantasy worlds. Well, not the kind of fantasy we cover here, anyway. To be honest, I just wanna get stoned with Keanu Reeves, in case that point’s been missed. — Cher Martinetti

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Etta Candy

You know how you can get obsessed with one kind of snack when you’re stoned? I’m talking about "craving a box of chocolate and then going down the rabbit hole looking up the history of chocolate on Wikipedia, then ordering six boxes on Amazon" obsessed. Who better to do that with than Etta Candy? In the comics, Etta stormed a Nazi concentration camp with a box of candy to rescue children. She takes down villains while talking about chocolate cremes. I heart her. I mean, for a while, her rally cry was “For the love of chocolate!” She’s been an Air Force captain and an intelligence officer, so she’d have great stories to tell. She’s also besties with Wonder Woman, so if I order a big enough box of chocolates maybe we could get Diana to come hang with us. — Jenna Busch

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The Ahch-To caretakers from The Last Jedi

As we know from deleted scenes, they have raves around the bonfire at night. You KNOW those space hippos have a great strain. They're probably the Willie Nelsons of the galaxy far, far away. Like their weed is probably as well-known as spices from Kessel, but it’s super expensive and hard to get because no one really knows where the island is or how to get more; they just have to wait for the space-hippo-nun-weed to appear at various dealers around the galaxy (the hookup is DEFINITELY Maz Kanata). But when it is available, everyone goes nuts because this is, by far, the best weed in the galaxy. The reason Luke seems different in The Last Jedi is because of the utter failure of his attempt to found a new Jedi temple but ALSO because he’s been blazing with the space hippos for like 20 years. The secret of their incredible weed? Porg sh*t. — Sarah Marrs

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Poison Ivy

You might find yourself asking, "If Poison Ivy is an ecologically concerned sometimes-terrorist and occasional murderer, wouldn't she not want to burn plants?" I see your question and raise you one: Wouldn't that actually make her be the best person to burn plants with, because she would know exactly which weed was the most morally sound to harvest? People, we are talking organic! We are talking locally grown! We are talking fresh off the clothesline! Doctor Pamela Isley went to college to study plants, and she even sometimes sort of is a plant, so I think it's safe to say that she very likely has a great understanding of the positive effects of medicinal plants on humans. She could probably be saving the Earth from disease right now if she didn't, you know, hate humans. The point is, she's got the goods. — Sara Century

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Marty and Dana from The Cabin in the Woods

Look, this film is a gem in and of itself, but a horror movie where a stoner survives until the bitter end is one worth recognizing. The reason that Marty even makes it out the other side (relatively) alive is because of his killer strain of kush, which renders him immune to the chemical manipulations of the evil facility. And we haven't even gotten to the fact that he likes to keep his bong hidden in a travel mug to avoid getting pulled over by the cops while driving. But when I saw him and newly-bitten-by-a-werewolf Dana take a pause to light one up at the literal end of the world, I knew in my heart of hearts that there was no one else I'd rather smoke one with while the Ancient Ones rise up to take over. Pass it over, friends. — Carly Lane

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Pepper Potts

On this sacred day of 4/20, I’d grab my bud Pepper Potts to show her a good time. It might seem counterintuitive to choose someone as high-strung as Pepper to chill out with, but she deserves the chance to relax after basically running Stark Industries. Plus she had to babysit Tony when he was partying and causing a ruckus; the girl deserves some fun times of her own. And let’s be honest, spending years as an executive assistant for anyone is reason enough to take a smoke break even if you weren’t constantly put in dangerous situations. Not only does Pepper deserve the chance to get high and stop worrying for a few hours, but she’d hopefully also be relaxed enough to spill some Marvel secrets — or at least suggest the next member of the MCU to smoke with. My money is on Loki. — Heather Mason

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River Song

No one can sass the way River Song can sass, and all I want to do is eat fancy edibles (River Song would not eat mere brownies) with her and listen to her tell stories. The woman has dated androids (they’re apparently rubbish), points and laughs at archaeologists, she’s got her own sonic screwdriver, and she can fly the TARDIS. Now, I’m not saying that, if you get her stoned enough, she’d reveal spoilers, but maybe, just maybe, she'd tell me the full story of how Stevie Wonder sang to her for her birthday in 1814. Plus, I feel like she’d know all the best take-out places in history when we get the munchies. I’m sure the Doctor would let her borrow the TARDIS for a food run. — Jenna Busch

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Zatanna Zatara

Zatanna is one of the top five least boring characters of all time. She could talk to you about anything, from magic in the Middle Ages to what Batman's really like. Even better? Her entire source of power is based on her saying phrases backward. Can you imagine getting high with someone who speaks backward half the time? Especially since most of what she says is extremely random stuff like "Turn that lamp into a pink flamingo!" Trippy, dude! Importantly, Zatanna is very chill, and a master of self-deprecating humor. Her whole place probably smells like sage, and she might give you a free tarot reading. And beside the fact that her close proximity to John Constantine would lead you to assume that Zatanna can find all of the best and worst drugs she could ever desire with a quick text, she'd be amazing to smoke with because of two words: Magic. Tricks. — Sara Century

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John Constantine

Constantine is a mouthy "master" of the dark arts and generally just a cocky, blond Brit. He's open about all the drugs he's consumed, usually under the auspices of research into dark forces. He'd be a delight to get high with due to his general laissez-faire attitude and his experience with hallucinogens and other drugs. There would be no concern that he'd get paranoid or resist the effects, but rather, he'd be the one to suggest lighting up another. As a bonus, that dreamy British accent would be delightful and hilarious while stoned. We would probably spend hours sounding out the difference between bowl, ball, and bull (hint: there is none). Not that I've given that a lot of thought. — S.E. Fleenor

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Donald Glover's Lando

Okay, first of all: It's Donald Glover. Second of all: It's Lando. You know he's got the connections to score some of the galaxy's finest ganja, and he'd procure it for you with a smile and a wink and a twirl of his cape. The guy literally goes on to become the administrator of a place called Cloud City. You mean to tell me that those clouds aren't at least, in part, made up of chronic? That's probably the reason that he gets so steamrolled by Vader in Empire; he's high af. But before all that happens, I want to sit down with him and Chewie (I guess Han can come too) and play some sabacc while smoking the sweet G in the Falcon. — Carly Lane

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BONUS: Captain America

America’s boy scout could use a little R&R. He’s seen some sh*t in the nearly 100 years he’s been on this earth, including how many wars? Even superheroes can suffer from PTSD. Plus, and if for no other reason, I think Cap needs to relax and get laid, because I’m fairly positive he may still be a virgin. At least, he is in the MCU. — Cher Martinetti

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SECOND BONUS: Sir Patrick Stewart

Over the years, Sir Pat Stew has made no secret of his love for cannabis, and has even gone on the record stating that he partakes in it for therapeutic usage to help him with arthritis symptoms. But we're going on the record to say that we would absolutely love to get baked with Captain Jean-Luc Picard — not just because he'd offer us master classes in acting while high (like this great seminar on the "quadruple take"), but because we could hang out in the treehouse that he apparently owns (which is spotlighted in this video) and talk about our mutual love for dogs. — Cher Martinetti and Carly Lane