22 thoughts I had while watching My Bloody Valentine 3D

Contributed by
Feb 14, 2018

 

My Bloody Valentine 3D isn't a movie people talk about much these days, or even remember all that well. Heck, I saw it in the theater IN GLORIOUS 3D and a) I remember almost nothing about it, and b) I could have sworn it was released in 2002 or 2003 and not the shockingly more recent 2009.

While largely forgotten, My Bloody Valentine 3D was pretty groundbreaking—it was the first R-rated RealD release and the first RealD-projected film in wide release. Also? It's actually amazing. This is one of my shorter Deja View posts, so hypnotized was I by this film's nonsensical excellence or excellent nonsense. A thing of beauty is a joy forever, or at least nine years after its release when viewed on your couch clapping at all the impalements. So many impalements. 

  1. So this movie doesn’t get its proper due for helping to bring back 3D and DANG does it lean all the way in. The opening credits are utterly hysterical beyond description so I had no choice but to gif it.

     
  2. The movie is now providing what we already learned in the GLORIOUS 3D NEWSPAPER ACTION opening credits because the opening credits were basically useless.
     
  3. DAMN, THIS GUY WAS BUSY. 

     
  4. “Happy f*ckin’ Valentine’s Day” indeed.
     
  5. You know the real victim in this movie is all the wasted chocolate. 

     
  6. AN ANNOYING GUY JUST TOOK A PICKAXE TO THE EYE IN GLORIOUS 3D. Hold please, must gif.

     
  7. This guy is an incredibly efficient killer. He just gets so much done in a small window of time and frankly, I think we could all learn a thing or two from him about successful project completion. Great job, murder guy.
     
  8. In the span of about 60 seconds two different men fall down. Not women. THIS FILM CREATED GENDER EQUALITY.
     
  9. This movie has phenomenal deaths. A girl just got her head sliced in half by a shovel, but, like, landscape-style not portrait and, just, it’s all so beautiful. I think I love this movie.
     
  10. Jensen Ackles’ only character motivation in this movie is mild to moderate concern, and he truly delivers. Mild to moderate concern and looking handsome while wearing a puffy vest. CHECK AND CHECK.
     
  11. To compare, I present to you mild concern …

     
  12. … and moderate concern. It’s very subtle. 

     
  13. So a lot has happened in the last five minutes. It’s 10 years later, Kerr Smith is still an asshole and is also the sheriff despite the fact he’s like 30 maybe and he’s having an affair with Jaime King’s employee who is basically a toddler and she’s pregnant, and also Kerr Smith and Jaime King are married now when at the beginning she was with Jensen Ackles but Jensen Ackles’ only true love is mild to moderate concern so they clearly couldn’t make it work.
     
  14. Jaime King’s best friend from the beginning just stormed out of a motel room naked to throw a gun at her trucker boyfriend before he got pickaxed in the head and she is just naked and OWNING THAT and hiding from a pickaxe murderer and if I haven’t mentioned it I think I love this movie.
     
  15. There’s like one black guy in this entire town and you’re going to accuse him, Jensen Ackles? NOT COOL, BRO.
     
  16. So Jaime King and Kerr Smith’s Affair Toddler just got attacked in a grocery store and Affair Toddler got super killed super quickly, complete with holiday-appropriate blood graffiti, neatly undoing that whole inconvenient Affair Toddler pregnancy thing, so now I think the movie wants us to think Kerr Smith is the killer and I genuinely don’t remember if that’s the case or not.
     
  17. A nanny just got murdered by being put in the dryer for two minutes and the old sheriff got impaled in the skull with a pickaxe and his jaw exploded off his face IN FULL 3D SPLENDOR. 
     
  18. Kerr Smith thinks Jensen Ackles is the killer because he’s been in a mental institution for the last seven years, and Jensen Ackles thinks Kerr Smith is the killer because of the creepy sex house he used with Affair Toddler, and Jaime King tried to escape the car and a tree branch impaled the car because this movie is 97% impalements. I genuinely have zero recollection of who the killer actually is. It’s possibly Hallmark or Russell Stover. 
     
  19. This whole movie might actually be a PSA in support of the coal industry. Maybe this is why the GOP is so focused on getting coal jobs back—they saw this movie and were like, “This is a documentary shot in real time and we can prevent it happening again if we simply protect coal."
     
  20. OK, so Jensen Ackles is the killer because he was traumatized 10 years ago and that makes you a serial killer apparently. Nothing has done more to stigmatize mental illness and trauma than horror movies. Also, the movie kind of tries to explain why Jensen Ackles was in the same scenes as the killer earlier in the movie but it’s not great at it. 
     
  21. But you know what it is great at? THE USE OF GLORIOUS 3D.

     
  22. And Jensen Ackles survives to be concerned midly or perhaps moderately another day. Thanks for joining us, and from all of us ...