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25 thoughts I had while watching Elf

Contributed by
Dec 15, 2017

The holiday season is upon us, and cheer is falling like the glistening white flakes of a gentle snowfall or Steve Bannon's neck skin. Elf has become a modern-day classic, worthy of 24-hour showing blocks and near-constant quoting by everyone you know. But even the most ardent viewer of this Will Ferrell delight might not catch everything this movie has to offer. So pour yourself a glass of maple syrup and join us as we look at some of the things we noticed on this most recent viewing. 

1. I danced from 4 to 19 and off and on since. I’ve worn tights my whole life. So I feel confident telling you everyone in this movie smells like salty foot bread.

2. It’s weird that this movie does start with a bunch of baby orphans and one who spends a lengthy sleigh ride, presumably with turbulence at a high altitude in arctic temperatures, in a sack while wearing just a diaper and socks.

3. Peter Billingsley is ageless. He’s just Ralphie with a pubey chin strap.

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4. They had Buddy for 30 years and didn’t just build a bigger house or even a chair his size? What a cruel species-ist world.

5. So Santa Lou Grant knows all about New York and that Buddy will NOT do well there and they’re still letting him go with no further info, WHILE WEARING TIGHTS? And making him literally walk the whole way even though Santa has a sleigh that can clearly make this journey very quickly? The North Pole is some garbage.

6. I wonder how much work went into determining how much bulge was appropriate for a kids’ movie? I bet they tried a bunch of dance belts and tuck tape and cups before they got it just right.

7. I will say this: I would totally wear that coat.

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8. Honestly, escalators make me very nervous, so this scene resonates with me.

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9. It was broad daylight when Buddy got to Gimbels and they’re closing in 10 minutes? This department store sucks.

10. Buddy’s decorating would make Sandra Lee weep tears of joy from the tablescape possibilities.

11. Why is there a shower at a department store? Do department stores have showers? This seems like a waste of resources.

12. Zooey looks so different blonde and it works for her. I wore a blonde wig once for a Halloween costume and it made my skin look green like the weird dumb baby of Elphaba and Glinda.

13. The destruction of elaborate Lego structures makes me deeply uncomfortable and scared.

14. Mary Steenburgen is handling this news that her husband has a secret adult love child *very* well.

15. “I’ve worn this my whole life.” OK then those tights DEFINITELY smell like toe sweat and ballsack.

16. I like the part in kids’ movies where the bully children are brutalized. Is that weird? That might be weird. Forget I said anything.

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17. Tickle fights are definitely an HR concern.

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18. Movies like this always seem to involve seemingly sensible women falling in love with someone who they should at the very least think has serious mental health issues. It’s like the dude version of the manic pixie dream girl—the manic lunatic dream dummy.

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19. Peter Dinklage in a suit can one-hundo-percent get it.

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20. OK but like let’s say your unknown love child appeared from, like, Loch Ness or something and came to work with you and said something racist and somehow *you’re* the bad guy for not being cool with it. That’s basically kind of what happened here re: Dinklage.

21. You know, Charlotte the poor news lady is just trying to do her damn job without you fawning all over her like a creep, Matt Walsh. Be cool.

22. Oh cool Santa, you send the guy out on his own without even proper damn pants but *now* you need help? Cool. Cool guy.

23. You know the end of this movie is kind of the whiter holiday Kidz Bop version of everyone in the subway singing Cardi B.

24. Here’s what I always wonder in movies where Santa is real but no one thinks Santa is real. Literally who do they think is buying the presents? Like where do they *think* the gifts come from? IT'S ALMOST LIKE THIS ISN’T REALISTIC AT ALL.

25. It ends with Buddy and Zooey having a North Pole baby which means they definitely boffed in one of those very tiny elf beds. Merry Christmas to all!