30 thoughts I had while watching Spice World

Contributed by
Jan 23, 2018

Twenty years ago, the world was swept with a phenomenon unlike anything it had seen before. In the midst of the boy band fever of the mid-late '90s, one group of oddly nicknamed young women rose from across the pond and took the world by storm, a storm of GIRL POWER.

They were the Spice Girls, and in 1998 they came to the big screen in their feature film debut, Spice World.

Yes, Spice World is officially 20 years old this month (technically, it was released at the end of 1997 in the UK, but we are American and we like to ignore the rest of the world). Do you need to sit down for a moment? It's OK. I was confused too, especially when I realized that the last time I watching this movie was probably 20 years ago. So, what is it like to "spice up your life" 20 years later? And are there really aliens in it?  Continue reading to find out! 

1. This starts with some kind of trippy, '70s vibe, sexy dancing over the opening credits so I AM HERE FOR THIS.

2. I love how it introduces them all with their actual names even though every person seeing this movie in the '90s only knew them as Baby, Sporty, Posh, Ginger, and Scary.

3. I always thought Sporty Spice got the best deal. She basically got to wear nothing but track suits and tank tops while the others had to wear heels.

4. Alan Cumming is in this and he's basically wearing an entire outfit made of denim. I love the '90s.

5. Their bus is bigger on the inside. ARE THEY TIME LORDS?

6. Their bus is also bigger than any apartment I've ever had.

7. Roger Moore is the bad guy. You can tell because of the cat.

8. Scary Spice is literally just wearing a snowsuit (that also somehow looks like an astronaut suit) during rehearsals. Indoors.

9. There's a random pregnant character (she's apparently their collective best friend; also she's played by Torchwood's Naoko Mori) and all I can think is "that baby is in college now." I assume it is an adult and not a perpetual baby who is now in college.

10. In addition to Roger Moore, there is also an evil newspaper editor who wants to "destroy girl power" and who controls the weather. I root for his destruction.

11. Baby Spice is upset that she's "always gonna be known as Baby Spice" and it's making me feel bad that I honestly don't know her name except when someone actually says her name.

12. This guy seems trustworthy.

13. I am 30 minutes into this movie and I don't really know what the plot is.

14. Ginger caused an international incident by sarcastically asking, "Is the Pope Catholic?" because she was purposely misinterpreted by the evil newspaper that's trying to destroy girl power and this movie could pretty much be taking place now.

15. I still have no idea what this movie is about but there's an alien ship so I have stopped caring that it makes no sense.

16. THE SPICE GIRLS SPEAK ALIEN. I don't know how, I don't know why, but they do and I love that they're somehow secret geniuses with languages.

17. Terrifying stalker photographer man from before just climbed out of their toilet to remind you he exists in the absolute worst way possible.

18. There's this whole side plotline where some Hollywood folk are trying to pitch a Spice Girls movie to their manager and that's all it is. It makes less sense than the rest of the movie which is just about the Spice Girls traveling around being themselves.

19. This seems like a great time to remind you that Hannah John-Kamen (Killjoys) and Dominique Provost-Chalkley (Wynonna Earp) were once in a Spice Girls musical together.

20. 2018 resolution: Get into some kind of situation where I can shout at a companion, "Come quick! There's an aquatic adventure going on here!"

21. Roger Moore has a pig now. What happened to the cat? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CAT, ROGER?!

22. FLASHBACK! They're singing "Wannabe" in a crappy restaurant. This is the only part of the movie anyone cares about. Excuse me while I dance around my living room singing into a hairbrush like a proper lady.

23. Stephen Fry just showed up to deliver the phrase "wicked, dirty, phat bass line" so we can all go home now.

24. They brought their stupidly pregnant friend to a nightclub the night before their big performance so of course, she's either going to go into labor or get kidnapped by the scary photographer.

25. Labor it is! Are they gonna deliver this baby? You do not want your baby delivered by a Spice Girl. Girl power is not a substitute for a medical degree. Exhibit A: Ginger is literally yelling into this woman's vagina.

26. Oh good, a hospital, where a woman wants them to help wake her son from a coma. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?

27. They've finally confronted the photographer and the Hollywood guys are now narrating the story and this just became very meta and I don't know what's real anymore.

28. This entire movie is saved by the insanity of this last act. A racing bus! Posh driving and being useful for the first time in the entire movie! A joke about how expensive effects are! A bomb! NUNS!

29. The guy who wrote this movie also wrote From Justin to Kelly so what I'm saying is Kim Fuller is the greatest writer of our time.

30. So I just rewatched the trailer and, while these are all scenes from the movie and everything, this isn't what the movie is about. The trailer has more plot.