The late 90s brought us a slew of mostly Julia Roberts-centered romantic comedies like My Best Friend's Wedding and Notting Hill. And yes, they hit the right plot points and gave us those butterflies, but they were all missing something. Ah, witches!
While I was off watching Runaway Bride ten (yes, ten!) times in the theater, I missed Practical Magic -- the 1998 witchy romantic comedy starring Sandra Bullock, Nicole Kidman, Stockard Channing, AND Dianne Wiest. Yes, it appears to have all of the ingredients for the perfect coven, but do I really want witches to interrupt the tried and true rom-com formula that has yet to fail me?
I've decided to dispell assumptions made at first glance and give myself over to the power of Halloween. So for your pure enjoyment, here are 33 thoughts I had while watching Practical Magic for the very first time.
1. I just LOVE late-90s romantic comedies. And what a serene stock ocean shot to start off this film. It's gonna be exactly like You’ve Got Mail I can just tell already.
2. Whoa! Oh ok, this music lulls you into a false sense of security and then hey a witch lady is being hung. Not cool.
3. I can 100% respect a love story that has a witch casting a spell on herself to "never feel the agony of love again” in the first ten minutes. I'm not sure where it's going, but I respect it.
4. I don't wanna sound my age but cake for breakfast is unhealthy, ladies. And at your age you should understand why by now.
5. Why don’t these kids look at all like each other? Is this a plot point? Scientifically, how does one have red hair and one have brown hair? Did they have different parents? Oh, I'm getting distracted.
6. Pausing so I can make my own list of the perfect man who doesn't exist. “He can flip pancakes in the air” is also on my list. Ok, resume.
7. Pretty sure Faith Hill's "This Kiss" is actually a love spell. Sandy had no choice.
8. Taking a poll: Who has ever actually run down the street AT a person? Movies would suggest it happens quite often. I mostly just see people running for exercise purposes, but I am ready to be proven wrong.
9. Pro Tip: If a dude’s last name has the word “angel” in it, he is not an angel. He is in fact the opposite. Abort mission.
10. HOW DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH MARK FEUERSTEIN'S CHARACTER IN TWO MINUTES WITHOUT HIM SAYING A SINGLE WORD?! Oh, I must've been put under a spell. I get how that works now.
11. Heartbroken Sandra Bullock is never not heartbreaking.
12. 30 minutes in. There are lots of broken hearts in this movie and no comedy. I feel misled.
13. Wait but really how do all of these siblings keep ending up with one redhead and one brunette?!? Here's another set. SCIENCE TELL ME NOW.
14. This movie just took a turn I wasn’t expecting. It's now a kidnap film but hey, I'm flexible.
15. Holy crap it’s Luka from E.R.! Looks like he's gonna need an ER real soon though. *evil laugh* Get it?
16. Do you think whipped cream tastes better off the chest of a dead, abusive asshole? Probs. (Not sure if I'm allowed to say asshole in this.)
17. Listen, these ladies resurrected you from the dead. Why can’t you be thankful for like a second, bro? Typical dude.
18. So no one is supposed to notice this giant pile of dirt? Ok. I've already suspended disbelief twelve times so... fine.
19. "Top of the phone tree" sounds like the last place you want to be in an emergency. What if the emergency is an earthquake? Ever thought of that?
20. Instituting Midnight Margaritas when I’m home for the holidays this year. Mom, you have to tease your hair like Dianne Wiest's.
21. Strangely, "nice in a penal code sort of way” is exactly my type. Although I am not shipping this Aidan Quinn and Sandra Bullock thing AT ALL.
22. How romantic to chat about murder by the waterfront with your arms crossed. Are we still trying to pretend this is a romantic comedy?
23. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW MUCH TIME HAS PASSED?
24. Eating pancakes without syrup is unnatural. Even if the syrup is poisoned I think it's worth the risk.
25. Hooking up with a police officer who is investigating you is in an ethical gray area...I’ve heard.
26. My Netflix froze right when ER guy put his hand through the Aidan Quinn police officer and I needed that moment to process. Thank you, poor internet connection, for understanding.
27. Do you think the Dixie Chicks wrote "Goodbye Earl" after watching this movie? Main plot points are very similar. And that song came out in 1999. Let me send an email to their rep real quick. Ok, I'm back.
28. Wait. Did I miss the part where they explained how his badge can suddenly vanquish demons? Because I feel like that was never said. Or implied. I thought he was just a terrible policeman but if he's a demon hunter *posing* as a terrible policeman I'm back in.
29. He didn’t even blink when he found out you’re a witch. Just marry him, I guess?
30. A bunch of middle-aged ladies who disagree coming together to vanquish an abusive man is my aesthetic.
31. So I guess the moral of the story is it’s better to be friends with the witches than yell at them for 300 years.
32. And that not all men are demons some of them you can create if you make a list of ridiculous demands and scatter some petals.
33. But honestly, Stockard Channing didn't die so overall, gonna call this one a win.