35 thoughts I had while watching The Spirit of Christmas

Contributed by
Dec 29, 2017

As many were being basic with their A Christmas Prince viewing, some studied the blade -- the blade here meaning The Spirit of Christmas, a 2015 made-for-TV movie starring Jen Lilley, a perfect human doll created in a lab by the Hallmark Channel, and Thomas Beaudoin, who is immensely attractive and so Canadian he's on a show called Hubert et Fanny.

Allegedly, it is a Christmas flick where a lady falls in love with and has sex with a ghost. That is all I knew of this movie going in, that there would be some "going in" if you catch my drift. Christmas may be over, but I'm always ready for a movie where a ghost goes under, if you get what I'm saying, and other euphemisms for ghostbanging, because I was under the impression that this movie was about ghostbanging. I cannot make this clear enough, and, spoiler alert, this was a gross misrepresentation. Here's the real-time story of how I learned that the hard way.

  1. I have no idea what time period this is happening in. He has a pocket watch and everyone is in period clothing, but there’s also electric outdoor lights and he has a functional yet streamlined messenger bag. He has the same haircut as every 30-year-old in any given independently run brewery but the score is also super Ken Burnsy. I’m not sure what we’re working with here. I guess just dumb-movie-Civil War, the kind that was all about being whitely attractive and definitely not about slaves or any black people at all.
     
  2. OK now there’s cars and restaurants and pretty much the exact same haircuts as well as a dude named “Laird” so this is def the present.
     
  3. A lady is getting dumped at dinner. Laird dumping her for not prioritizing him over work. He can suck it. She is responding “thank god because I def don’t prioritize you” and I think I like her.
     
  4. So basically there’s a ghost in this very fancy estate. Spoiler: She’s gonna bang that ghost. But everyone the ghost is not banging is afraid of said ghost, probably because he’s from a weird futuristic past with hottie-ass haircuts and messenger bags and also not banging them.
     
  5. They are really hammering exact dates. WONDER IF THEY ARE IMPORTANT.
     
  6. This inn is all “everyone is afraid of our sexy af ghost, SAD” but they also have a giant framed “OUR OWNER DIED” newspaper collage on the wall. These are mixed messages.
     
  7. How did anyone ever sleep with these dumb loud clocks? I suppose because they were doing manual labor like milking and churning and dying of diphtheria so they were more tired than I, a person who watches Netflix ghost-banging movies as a profession.
     
  8. Everyone in this town is like GHOST GHOST GHOST TOTALLY BANGABLE GHOST except the sheriff who thinks it much more likely that a drifter in a three-piece suit is just flitting about and also not something to be so concerned about as to actually look around the giant manor.
     
  9. Enough time has passed now that he knows he can just eat an apple, right? He doesn’t have to use an old-timey knife to eat it and potentially injure his ghost finger.
     
  10. OK the beginning of the movie was the 1920s because it was at the start of Prohibition. The Ken Burnsy music did NOT work. I watched a lot of Boardwalk Empire. That scene needed Eddie Cantor singing joyful songs about stupid women being good at sex (that’s a real thing!).  Also his cousin is dressed like Lin-Manuel Miranda in a sensible and comfortable sweater that also doesn’t appear to be particularly period-related. They apparently could only afford two period costumes. Everything else is just scraps from either the 1850s or the 1950s and they’re just saying “eh good enough.”


     
  11. I’m calling it now. The fiancee clearly didn’t cheat with the brother at the beginning. It was a hug. This is some Saved by the Bell/Full House effery. People see a man and a woman hugging and just assume it’s one of those kissless coital huggings from the G-rated porn they seem to watch in these shows.
     
  12. Ghost Hottie’s cousin has the same haircut as every man who dives a Chevy Equinox. Look inside a Chevy Equinox. If there’s a man driving it, he has that haircut.


     
  13. Shirtless ghost can get it.


     
  14. Since the shirtlessness it’s just been a lot of cocktail parties, surly ghostness, and scandals of yore involving a dead baby. So.
     
  15. Our heroine has yelled at a ghost who just found out he had a dead baby because he lied to his fiancee about Canadian booze. A LOT is going on.
     
  16. And now she’s making it all about her and her self-sabotage tendencies. This movie is hypnotic. I kind of love it.
     
  17. There’s another ghost! Ghosts on ghosts on ghost who’s about to be on this live woman! (seriously I was promised ghost banging, where is it)


     
  18. “A fir tree’s atop your auto.” DUDE YOU HAVE BEEN ALIVE FOR TWO WEEKS EVERY YEAR FOR LIKE 100 YEARS. Learn new words.
     
  19. Honestly I’ve been waiting this whole movie for him to say like “A lawyer? BUT YOU’RE A WOMAN!” or some nonsense. This is unrealistic. He is very hot, this ghost, and nowhere near sexist enough. HOT WOKE GHOST.
     
  20. They’re holding hands! BANG THE GHOST. BANG THE GHOST. God this is taking forever.


     
  21. Why are all the lights on? Can ghosts not see in the dark? I mean, he does have to wear his glasses to read, so being dead clearly isn’t helping visionwise but at least turn off the bathroom light so homegirl can sleep.
     
  22. THE DATES THEY KEPT HAMMERING ARE VERY IMPORTANT. WHOEVER COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
     
  23. “The name Molly is appearing on your special device.” LEARN. WORDS. PLEASE. If you know enough to not be freaked out, you can learn their names.
     
  24. There’s a subplot involving the innkeeper and a local bartender that I think I’m supposed to care about but it’s really getting in the way of that ghost banging I thought this movie was about. There’s 21 minutes left. GET TO BANGING ALREADY.
     
  25. OK literal LOL this movie posits that what is clearly a 15-year-old boy is “courting” this middle-aged woman and the innkeeper is jealous. Be cool movie. Ghostf*cking is one thing but this is silly.


     
  26. WE GET IT. 12 DAYS. LIKE THE SONG. Calm down.
     
  27. The brother is an unspeakably bad actor, even for a Hallmarky-Lifetimey type movie.
     
  28. Harry is the second ghost! My stars! (I actually don’t remember who Harry is. A quick scroll-up tells me he's the one with the aphoristic hair.)
     
  29. THREE GHOSTS. So many ghosts. All the ghosts.
     
  30. Their relationship would be 12 days a year at Christmas time in this baller house and the rest of the year she gets to be alone and not have to share the DVR and honestly this is kind of my dream.
     
  31. OK I don’t know what just happened. I get that he’s not in the ethereal beyond or whatever but where was he? Where did he go? Why was he wandering in the woods? Where did he get leather gloves and a neat scarf? What is going on? Is he alive now? Can he leave the house? Can he eat again? Is he just a forever ghost?


     
  32. THEY NEVER BANGED AND I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A BANG MOVIE.
     
  33. I’m very confused and I feel drunk.
     
  34. THAT'S IT? IT'S OVER? What just happened? Am I a ghost too? What day is it? Where am I? I think I smell pennies. 
     
  35. AT NO POINT DID ANYONE F*CK A GHOST. THIS ISN'T EVEN A THING I'M INTO. I JUST FEEL CHEATED.