The Star Wars Holiday Special is a production that was so notoriously terrible, it only aired one time. It’s set on Kashyyyk, and features Chewbacca’s family as they wait for him to come home to celebrate Life Day. It’s a mix of Wookiee grunting (that isn’t subtitled) and weird sequences, with the most random guest stars you can think of.
If you haven’t seen it before, then don’t. Trust me on that. And if you're going to put yourself through this, make sure you are very, very wasted. The descriptions you’ve heard may make it sound cute and delightfully bizarre and quirky, but there is really nothing delightful about it. I’ve watched it a few times, and it gets worse every time because I know what’s coming. Despite that, I volunteered to watch it for all you, and now I want to cry.
1. Okay, we start with Chewie, Han, and the Millennium Falcon. I can see why people were drawn in when they first saw it. They didn’t know the horror that was to come.
2. I know the horror that is to come. I have no excuse.
3. Oh god, what did I get myself into? It’s been a couple of years since I’ve watched this, but it can’t be as bad as I remember.
4. No, it’s not. It’s worse.
5. Oh look, there’s Malla, Chewie’s wife, and Lumpy, his unfortunately named son. And there’s Itchy, Chewie’s dad, who looks like a creature from my nightmares.
6. I’ve checked my phone about 100 times because it’s just been Wookiees grunting and gurgling for the last 10 minutes. Why don’t any of you love me enough to tweet me?
7. Oh finally, Mark Hamill (wearing a lot of makeup, courtesy of the motorcycle accident he was in between A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back) has arrived to save me from the endless Wookiee-ing.
8. Bye, Mark.
9. And hello, Darth Vader. Thanks for bringing the Death Star to search for Han and Chewie. But wait, wasn’t that destroyed?
10. Malla is now watching a cooking show to learn how to make a dish, I guess. Is this what it was like in the days before the internet? You actually had to watch the show while you were cooking?
11. Whip stir whip stir whip stir whipstirwhipstirwhipstir I am dead now.
12. Now we get to watch Itchy watch Wookiee porn and have a sexual experience in the middle of the living room. Like grandpas usually do in family TV specials.
13. Oh thanks for checking in, Leia.
14. I can’t help but laugh every time Carrie Fisher is on screen in this special, because she is too stoned for words. ROCK ON, CARRIE. It's the only way to get through this.
15. There is still a plot to this thing, with Chewie trying to get home, but the mechanics of this entire special are lost on me.
16. Why is Life Day? What is Life Day? There is zero explanation given in this.
17. Why are we here? What’s life all about? Is god really real? Or is there some doubt? Well tonight, we’re going to sort it all out, for tonight it’s the meaning of life.
18. Why am I here?
19. Oh hello stormtroopers.
20. I’ll be honest, at this point I’m kind of hoping they’ll kill Chewie’s family. At least there will be some drama and also I won’t have to look at Itchy’s face anymore.
21. Lumpy tries to save the day by biting the stormtroopers. He’s a dumb kid.
22. Now Art Carney is distracting the stormtroopers with a Jefferson Starship music video. (That is never a sentence I thought I would type.)
23. And we’re watching
24. And we’re watching
25. And still, we’re watching.
26. Jefferson Starship doesn’t force the stormtroopers to leave (who knew?), so instead Lumpy decides to watch a cartoon to wait them out.
27. The cartoon has a dumb plot and not great animation, but it inspired the imaginations of kids everywhere. Why? It features our intrepid Star Wars heroes and introduces the character of Boba Fett.
28. That’s right, you have the Star Wars Holiday Special to blame for the decades-long Boba Fett worship.
29. I’m sorry to reveal this to you all, but Boba Fett is not very interesting.
30. This entire special is basically watching Wookiees watch TV.
31. Even a Bea Arthur appearance can’t save this.
32. Chuck Wendig made Bea Arthur’s character canon in From a Certain Point of View. Does that mean this entire special is canon?
33. My head just exploded thinking about that.
34. I have died of boredom.
35. It’s like 3 p.m. and I’ve started drinking.
36. CHEWIE! HAN! YOU HAVE COME TO SAVE ME!!!!
37. Well, no, they’ve come to save Chewie’s family, but all of this feels like a personal insult at this point. Also, Harrison's Ford acting (grimacing) throughout this entire special is pretty great.
38. And now it’s time to actually celebrate Life Day.
39. I wonder who thought, “You know what would be a great idea? Let’s write lyrics to the Star Wars theme.”
40. And who heard that, thought it was a great idea, and said, “And let’s have stoned Carrie Fisher sing them!”
41. To be fair, considering how high Carrie is, and how terrible an idea this entire thing is, she is by far not the worst part of all of this.
42. AND IT IS OVER. I can’t even describe how bad that was. NEVER AGAIN. At least until Life Day next year.