45 thoughts I had while watching The Craft

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The Craft came out in 1996, and for an entire generation of women, that was the year we knew we were witches. I have really intense memories of being twelve, trying "light as a feather, stiff as a board," and chanting ours is the Magic, ours is the POWER in a way that must have terrified my old, Southern teachers. It starred the most badass crew of women, and honestly, all I really remember is wanting to be that cool.

Now that Halloween is around the corner and the movie is on Netflix, I thought I’d revisit it for the first time in a long time to see how it fared. Here are 45 thoughts I had while watching The Craft.

1. This introduction is so wonderfully spooky '90s. Witchy candles! A pentagram! A quick collage of creepy things and explosions!

2. The intro song is a cover of The Beatles’ "Tomorrow Never Knows" by … Our Lady Peace?! Do you remember Our Lady Peace?

3. I’ve now listened to an Our Lady Peace playlist on YouTube and I’m thinking why-eee-why-eee-why-eee do I still know all these lyrics. My brain is trash.

4.  Robin Tunney! Who, in the grand tradition of actors who are too old to be playing the parts they’re playing, looks so far from 17 I’m having a moment.

5. Do people not immediately walk into their homes and lock the door? Because that’s how you get creepy dudes with snakes bursting into the foyer, okay.

6. Manon bless the aesthetics of this movie. I’m sure I have that pair of chunky black heels and knee socks I wore in 7th grade somewhere. That lewk is going to come back in a big way.

7. Fairuza Balk’s intro in the school scene is a serious life goal. I want to be that bitch queen. But really I’m Bonnie/Neve Campbell.

8. I forgot Breckin Meyer was in this movie, but I guess I should just assume he’s in every teen movie from the mid-to-late-’90s, huh.

9. I love the idea that this teen witch hung a black noose in her locker just so she could do this.

10. WHY CAN’T I DO THAT PENCIL TRICK, I PRACTICED IT FOR AN ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR, THIS IS STILL GARBAGE.

11. Oh nice. Skeet Ulrich is going to neg Sarah into getting with him. Gross.

12. Look, I’m here for teen girls saving themselves. BE WITCHES. BURN IT DOWN.

13. I love when movies use Hindu chants to denote witchcraft? What? ♫♪Shakti♪♫. Hinduism is not Wicca. Why are white dudes like this?

14. I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SCENE WHERE THEY GET THE HOMELESS GUY RUN OVER AND WE SEE A CAR GO OVER HIS FRIGGIN HEAD. 

15. I can still scream really loudly. Cool.

16. I can’t believe I had to sit through two separate actresses from the '90s squint through pivotal roles.

17. Remember when men felt like they had to buy clothes that were three sizes too big because reasons? Except for this hoodie that Skeet Ulrich is wearing because it is … a crop hoodie? I don’t even know.

18. STILL ON TEAM CRAFT BECAUSE LAURA LIZZIE’S RACISM IS THE WORST. I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL ALL HER HAIR FALLS OUT AND SHE CRIES IN THE SHOWER.

19. I thought L.A. was supposed to be so sunny and temperate. Why is it always down pouring?

20. This movie is edited really weirdly, I feel like they shot scenes or left scenes out. Bonnie’s whole thing is that she never shows skin, but uh… before her scars come off this scene happens? I demand answers to these inconsistencies!

21. Robin Tunney’s wig is the most distracting. Don’t think I forgot what happened in Empire Records, lady.

22. WHY DOES SARAH WISH FOR CHRIS TO LIKE HER? I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE WASTED HER WISH ON THIS F*CKBOI. This is why children shouldn’t get access to the power of the universe, because they will waste it on boys who deserve to fall out of windows.

23. I think the thing that makes me the maddest in this movie is that Laura Lizzie and Chris aren’t the actual villains.

24. I learned light-as-a-feather-stiff-as-a-board from this movie, and it never worked, and Hollywood ruined my childhood.

25. Okay, I know I said I couldn’t wait for the scene where racist Barbie’s hair falls out but it still gives me nightmares. It’s so gross.

26. Yes, good. Murder men who beat their wives. Good. I am Team Nancy, still.

27. I love this appearance-changing scene, even though the blonde wig is even worse than the brown wig. Put that power in a bottle, honey.

28. … I am realizing that hair dye does come in bottles, but you know what I mean.

29. “I was thinking we should move in together.” 

30. IT’S NEMO!

31. Nancy is supposed to be Jesus. You heard it here first. Probably? I didn’t google it.

32. My girls, get your friend. Don’t let her pet dead sharks and scream about Manon with a bunch of strangers.

33. Sarah is quick to talk trash about Bonnie and Rochelle, but neither of them really do anything that bad? I’d live it up if I was finally comfortable in my body! And please put racist Barbie in front of me because I would also rip out her hair. “What did I do to deserve this?” YOU WERE A RACIST PIECE OF USELESS PLASTIC, LAURA.

34. Chris convincing Sarah to go out with him is why we need to teach teenaged girls that toxic masculinity is bad and that girls are the best.

35. This movie was written by men.

36. I have a lot of questions about this movie, but at the top is: Why are the cups so big at this party? Is Skeet Ulrich drinking out of a wonton soup take-out container? What is happening?

37. “You don’t even exist to me. You are nothing. You don’t exist.” DRAG HIM TO HELL, NANCY. THEN THROW HIM OUT THE WINDOW.

38. “I think he was a good guy underneath it all. He didn’t deserve to die.” Seriously. This movie was written by men.

39. Okay, confession: I have never made it through the scariest part of The Craft with all the bugs, let’s see if it happens today.

40. It did not work, I could not watch it. But the back of my throw pillow is just really beautiful.

41. Shake, shake, shake Senora! Shake it all de time!

42. This whole sequence of Nancy and Sarah fighting is my j-a-m. 

43. I love at the end that Rochelle and Bonnie are basically Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

44. Nancy should have won the war, though.

45. Someone needs to make a sequel of this movie that’s just the girls against the world, and there’s no infighting. They just terrorize racists and murder jerks who assault women.