5 movies that would be better with Thor in them, part 2

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Aug 11, 2017

Happy Thorsday!  We're officially in a double-digit countdown to Thor: Ragnarok, and I'm still on my campaign to see our favorite Asgardian in every possible movie from now until the end of time. So I'm going to keep putting him in them. No need to thank me. 

1. Gran Thorino

Retired auto worker and Avengers War vet Thor fills the emptiness in his life with beer and metal shop. Thor becomes a reluctant hero when he stands up to the gangbangers who tried to force a local teen to steal Thor’s treasured Mjölnir. An unlikely friendship develops between Thor and the teen, as he learns he has more in common with his neighbors than he thought.  This film was nominated for 10 Oscars, including best director, best writer, and best use of abs in a dramatic role.


2. The Thorne Identity

Like a luscious blond mermaid (just minus the fishy tail and gills), Thor is salvaged, near death, from the ocean by an Italian fishing boat. Although he physically recuperates, Thor suffers from total amnesia, without identity or background ... except for a range of extraordinary talents in fighting, linguistic skills, hammer throwing, and self-defense that speak of a dangerous past. He sets out on a desperate search, assisted by the initially rebellious Marie, to discover who he really is, and why he's being lethally pursued by assassins.

3. Thorever Young

Following Top Gun, it’s pretty much assumed that everyone in the military pilot program is hot, and Thor is here to reinforce that idea.  As an Army test pilot, Thor is always ready for danger and adventure.  That means he is the first to volunteer for an experimental procedure involving suspended animation.  Of course, mishaps occur and Thor, sealed away in his cryonic chamber, is forgotten.

Flash forward 53 years, when Thor is accidentally thawed out by a rascally and misunderstood young scamp named Smudge.  Smudge takes Thor under his proverbial wing and sets about bringing him up to speed on modern life. Hilarity ensues when Thor crosses paths with fellow cryo-buddy and military brother-in-arms Steve Rodgers.  The last hour of the film is the two men sitting around trying to decipher shorthand in tweets, emojis, and complaining about the state of the world and how things were so different back in their day.

Directed by J.J. Abrams.  Co-starring Chris Evans and lots of lens flares.


9. Transthormers

After an epic battle between the Avengers and the Chitauri, a great city lies in ruins, but the Earth itself is saved. As humanity begins to pick up the pieces, a shadowy group emerges to try to take control of history, unleashing an army of huge robot warriors.  Thor realizes it’s up to him to clean up yet another mess, so, armed with his trusty hammer Mjölnir, he sets out to save the world.  Again.

 

And finally, to make up for last week's nightmare-inducing "Good Dinothor," may I present ...

 

The Thorty-Year-Old Virgin


 

Being a royal Asgardian has been a full-time job for Thor. Between learning how to rule from his father, saving the universe, deep-conditioning his locks, trying to rein in Loki, and polishing Mjölnir, he hasn’t had time to properly woo a lady.  Luckily for Thor, he’s got friends who are willing to help him out.  Of course, finding a willing lass isn’t the problem ...

Run time 20 minutes (10 of which is an elaborate after-credits musical number).