The 80s! Big hair! Jean jackets! Romance! Teen Witch stars Robyn Lively as Louise, the "geeky" girl who just wants the popular boy Brad to like her. Yes, it sounds familiar but it turns out Louise's story is different. Because she's a witch and has the powers to actually make her silly high school dreams come true.
So in the spirit of Halloween and the teenage witches we all wish we could've been, I watched Teen Witch for what I thought was the first time (until I realized it wasn't) and here are my thoughts.
1. What is this intro?! Well, it is 1989. Better get all of this 80s out of our system.
2. I already have so many thoughts and it’s actually only been 3 minutes into the opening credits.
3. I am really hoping this is a terrible dream sequ--ok good it is.
4. Can we talk more about the contraption creepy little brother is using to toast multiple Pop Tarts at once because it’s relevant to my interests?
5. It turns out no one in the school is cool. Louise, you're fine.
6. What is happening with this intense coat she’s wearing? How cold could it possibly be?
7. Experiencing terrible secondhand embarrassment at this RPF she wrote between her and Brad brb.
8. They’re singing “I like boys” but statistically speaking I think some of them probably like girls.
9. Brad is the dictionary under Basic.
10. Apparently there are only four parts in this play and assistant costume designer is one of them.
11. Before there was texting and driving there was snuggling and driving. So dangerous.
12. Anyone who is called “Madame” is legit.
13. ONE OF US! ONE OF US!
14. So are you saying if I’m 29 and haven’t received my powers yet, it’s not happening?
15. This birthday sweater is actually really cute Louise, be thankful for the 80s.
16. Were they not getting any sex education before this?!
17. Sadly this is not far from the type of sex ed I received in Georgia. Minus the condom. Those weren’t allowed.
18. Do you want this old, creepy witch necklace I found in a dusty box? Happy Birthday!
19. I was wrong. Take off that sweater. Glad you are starting to recognize the error in your ways.
20. What kind of name is Randa? It sounds like a ship name for two people named Randy and Ronda.
21. Oh! A young Mario Lopez!
22. It’s Friday the 13th AND she’s at Table 13? Didn’t stand a chance, Louise.
23. David just assaulted her in the car. Proof nerds are just as big assholes as jocks.
24. Making men disappear is my superpower too.
25. “Modesty Miller” cause modesty never goes out of style.
26. Louise, you just found out you can make money appear. You don’t need an education!
27. A spell to translate spells into English would be super helpful.
28. I know they didn't say where this takes place but only a Southern California witch would think it'd be fun to make it rain.
29. Kiki, Shawn and Randa? And people think millennials come up with ridiculous names.
30. She can do literally anything and she's still stuck on Basic Brad.
31. Is this the Twin Peaks portion of the film? So much red.
32. Louise implies that Basic Brad isn’t superficial, but she fell in love with him knowing nothing about him so...
33. Impressed with Louise’s crafting skills. I bet if this movie were made now she’d have a nice Etsy business making voodoo dolls.
34. For some reason, the teacher voodoo doll scene is the exact moment I realized that I actually have seen this movie before. Huh. Must've made an impact.
35. Polly needs a hat stylist, because I think she can pull it off but she needs help.
36. This movie is a reluctant musical. It’d be better if they just committed to it.
37. Most popular girl? She is still not thinking big enough here.
38. Shana and Robin Sparkles must’ve been musical contemporaries. Or shared a single jean jacket. Or both.
39. Too much hair. Everyone. All of you have too much hair.
40. I know I haven’t been in high school in *cough* years but was it ever like this?!
41. Ok, so Basic Brad is hot leaning against that shabby wall.
42. I just realized that this movie really wants to be Dirty Dancing. Spoiler: it’s not.
43. Madame Serena is such a buzzkill, I love it.
44. Glad that Rob Lowe reference is still relevant.
45. Polly’s Peter Pan hat is a major improvement, which is sad.
46. Richie is 100% going to be on drugs in about three years. Watch out, parents.
47. Introvert Louise is best Louise.
48. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. The real moral of every teen movie.
49. How many dances does this school have and when did they have time to choreograph dance moves?
50. I played “Cut to the Feeling” by Carly Rae Jepsen through the entire prom dance scene and it works perfectly.
51. That’s how it ends?! Just gonna assume they broke up a week later when Basic Brad went to college then.