53 thoughts I had while watching Hook

Contributed by
Dec 19, 2017

Way back in 1991, a film retelling of the classic story of Peter Pan convinced us to never grow up and become annoying business people. Hook starred Robin Williams as Peter Pan, Maggie Smith as Wendy, Dustin Hoffman as Captain Hook, and Julia Roberts as Tinker Bell -- all of the characters we grew up reading about. But as someone who was an actual child in 1991, the film Hook is as cemented with the story of Peter Pan as any book version. So now, having actually "grown up," I rewatched the film and recorded the memories for posterity:

1. I remember clocks and a man-child. Let’s do this.

2. Look at those giant VHS recorders. Possibly the only thing more annoying than holding up an iPhone for an entire performance.

3. Peter is already #TheWorst because he answered his phone in the middle of a play. He's an animal.

4. Maggie’s style is so on point.

5. No one has looked dumber than these two adult men seeing who could pull their phone from the holster faster.

6. What a dark artist Jack is. This family needs some counseling.

7. Uncle Tootles is by far the best human in this film.

8. All of the references to hooks and pirates and boats totally went over my head as a child.

9. The dog that buries the cell phone is the hero of the film. What’s his story?

10. Someone started cutting onions in the kitchen when all of the orphans stand in honor of Granny Wendy.

11. I could've sworn a green light from space was an alien abduction, not a Neverland abduction.

12. If I don’t remember anything before age 12 does that mean I’m Peter Pan too?

13. Is Wendy hitting on Peter? Ok, now tiny Julia Roberts fairy is also kinda hitting on Peter?

14. It’s like the opposite of a stork delivering a baby—taking a grown man to Neverland.

15. Peter is always calling on a woman to save him. Moira! Tinker Bell! He’s helpless.

16. The hook is nice, but a knife would be more efficient for killing.

17. Hook calls Peter “pitiful” and “spineless” but won’t walk down stairs that don’t have a red carpet rolled out.

18. Maggie calling out Peter like, “Mommy could do it you, wimp!”

19. Tinker Bell knows how to prey on the insecurities of men to get what she wants, aka the real hero.

20. Ohhhh. So making out with mermaids is supposed to remind you of childhood? Seems legit. Never noticed how random that scene was.

21. These Lost Boys look like they should be in Newsies.

22. Yes, telling the Lost Boys they’re an “insurance nightmare” is sure to shape them up.

23. I know I’m old because I also was wondering where the grown-ups were.

24. Where are the Lost Girls?

25. OMG and a suicide attempt! This is not for children at all.

26. So Hook and Smee are clearly lovers.

27. Peter getting in shape is what I looked like the day after Thanksgiving.

28. Turning kids against their parents is the cruelest. But also it’s sorta true that they did have more fun before you were born.

29. You can’t start your own chant, Rufio. That's the first rule of chants.

30. Pro tip: Food fights solve all issues.

31. This film really perpetuates the stereotype that twins do everything together. Not cool.

32. Real talk: How do the pirates get to their pirate meetings on time if there are no clocks?

33. Smashing clocks is probably good therapy for this kid who drew his father dying in a plane crash.

34. I have a lot of questions about where they get more resources on Neverland. Is it on a trading route?

35. This is where the idea for Vincent Adultman on Bojack Horseman came from.

36. She sounds really sexual when she removes his hook. Gross!

37. Jack is the problem child and gets all of the attention. Meanwhile, Maggie’s all “don’t trust the pirates” and no one hears from her again.

38. Tinker Bell, why are you in a dress? So thirsty.

39. If Peter had grown up with a British accent, things would've been so different.

40. Gwyneth Paltrow is in this movie?!?

41. Consent, Peter! Don’t kiss a sleeping girl. When will these boys learn?!

42. Rufio looks good in the leggings though. ;-)

43. Hook doesn’t like clocks because they would indicate that this movie is way too long for children (and me).

44. Every woman in this film is in love with Peter; I just don’t understand the appeal.

45. Such beautifully lined eyes they have.

46. At least the Lost Boys are colorful in their assault.

47. Just realizing that literally none of this would’ve happened if Peter hadn’t run away from his parents, who only wanted the best for him.

48. A child is murdered in this film. A child dies in this film meant for children.

49. I can’t believe it’s anyone’s instinct to get closer to a duel when they see it happening.

50. This is a lot like that scene when the Wicked Witch has the house land on top of her. Good riddance.

51. Jack is just starstruck now that he knows his dad is Peter Pan, but Maggie knows mom is the real hero of the family.

52. Most unrealistic part of the whole film is that this cell phone would still have battery life.

53. Where’s the follow-up where Peter has to explain this whole thing to the police?