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Chosen One of the Day: Diane from The Velvet Vampire

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Jun 1, 2018

Good morning. Today I am going to talk to you about

BISEXUAL

FEMALE

VAMPIRES.

Specifically, the bisexual female vampire at the center of the exquisitely named The Velvet Vampire, a 1971 horror film directed by Stephanie Rothman. Diane LeFanu (Celeste Yarnall), The Velvet Vampire’s eponymous bloodsucker, is a centuries-old vampire who tempts married couple Lee (Michael Blodgett) and Susan (Sherry Miles) to her desert home for the dual purposes of seduction and murder. Yes, Diane is a vampire who lives in the desert. Yes, she goes out in the day. She’s really assiduous about keeping her skin out of direct sunlight, but hey, maybe she’s just really into /r/SkincareAddiction and floppy-brimmed hats.

Seductive, self-assured, and beautiful, in addition to being a cold-blooded killer, Diane is the best part of what’s otherwise a rather generic vampire movie. Oh, and she also practices seduction via dune buggy metaphor. Yeah, you read that right.

Diane: Have you ever driven a dune buggy?

Lee: No. But I’d like to try. 

Diane: No two are alike. Take mine. It’s slow getting started. At first, it takes a little manipulation. But once it’s warmed up… it really comes alive. Then you have to watch out. It’s hard to control.

Lee: Yeah. You have to give in.

Diane: And then you feel like it’s driving you. As you move in rhythm with it. Up and down… in and out… through the dunes.

Lee: Diane… I think I’d like to drive your buggy.

Diane: I think I can teach you how. 

Meanwhile, Susan:

freaks and geeks

If you want to witness this groundbreaking scene in cinema history yourself, The Velvet Vampire is available on Shudder. Skip to 14:26. Or watch the whole movie, because it's called The Velvet Vampire.

Shockingly, this is only the second most ridiculous pick-up maneuver in film history. The first is from Paul Schrader’s 1982 remake of Cat People, in which John Heard tries to get in Nastassja Kinski’s pants by telling her that there are alligators outside, and the only way to get them to go away is to “make love. Because they hate the sound.”

And it works.