Chosen One of the Day: The Fix Its from *batteries not included

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Feb 1, 2017

Some of you may not remember the classic *batteries not included (1987), which can only mean you're a millennial or had the worst childhood ever. Or both. *batteries not included was Brad Bird's first screenplay, so if the fact that the man responsible for the SINGLE GREATEST SUPERHERO MOVIE EVER MADE (don’t even come for me, because YOU ARE WRONG to suggest otherwise)  doesn't tell you everything you need to know about how and why this film is a genre classic, then your eyes aren't worthy of reading the rest of this post.

For the rest of you, the Fix Its are the lovable robot/spaceship pet-like creatures that found themselves the newest inhabitants of a broken-down tenement in the East Village of NYC that was about to be demoed as the next victim of gentrification. Basically, they were extra-terrestrial rats, only instead of eating all the food, chewing through the wires and having rat sex in your walls, they were fixing the place up and helping everyone’s adopted grandparents Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn not be reduced to a life on the street, competing with pigeons and crusty punks while digging through the garbage in Tompkins Square Park for dinner.

However, the Fix Its were still doing spaceship sex, because the girl spaceship ends up being preggers and squeezing out a couple of baby Fix Its.

Granted I was maybe 10 the last time I saw this movie, so my grasp on the logistics of babymaking was minimal at best. So it wasn't until I randomly thought about this movie again in my more mature years that I really gave any thought to the whole "pregnant spaceship" thing.

And trust me, that's not really a topic you want to allow your mind to dive too deeply into. I love Brad Bird, but I can't even imagine what was going on in his life that made his brain conjure up and want to explore the concept of spaceship reproduction.

Anywho, the Fix Its are the heroes we all need right now. If a team of them were able to rebuild a burned-down apartment building, imagine what a planet's worth of them can do? Someone get NASA on the phone and see if there's some kind of Fix It Bat Signal, because I think we're going to need it.