Chosen One of the Day: Freddy Krueger's sweater and what it probably smells like

Contributed by
Nov 2, 2017

Freddy Krueger's sweater is iconic, as integral to the character as his knife fingers or kicky fedora.

But in our candy-sick Halloween hangover, as we look at Freddy in the cold light of November, we can see through the frights to what is no doubt one massively stanky sweater. And here is what we imagine it smells like:

  1. Like a sink drain full of yesterday's coffee and bacon grease.
  2. Like a crock pot full of hot dogs.
  3. Like when basalmic vinegar starts taking a turn and becoming kind of rancid.
  4. Like bologna. Just that general bologna smell.
  5. Like if you found a pair of crunchy jeans in the woods, he smells like what you’d imagine those very crunchy jeans smell like.
  6. Like an all-inclusive resort’s swim-up bar around 4 p.m.
  7. Like you opened all of the containers of leftovers in the back of your fridge at once.
  8. Like a bar bathroom.
  9. Like a city dumpster on a hot day.
  10. Like Decatur, Illinois. Decatur, Illinois, smells bad, guys. Because of soybeans or something, I don’t know, this is very specific.
  11. Like hair dye mixed with store-brand alfredo sauce.
  12. Like Comic-Con.
  13. Like when you singe your hair over a cheap candle.
  14. Like when you box up old sweaters and leave them in the basement for a year or two but also there’s a dead guy inside of those sweaters.
  15. Like burnt popcorn, but mixed with that rage in your soul you feel at whoever burnt the popcorn. Like rage and burning and office microwave.
  16. Like kombucha.
  17. Like the lies of people who tell you kombucha is good.
  18. Like Steve Bannon’s undercarriage.
  19. Like cigarettes mixed with wet camp laundry.
  20. Like a burned-up pedophile. It’s probably mostly that one.