Chosen One of the Day: Laura Dern's khaki shorts in Jurassic Park

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Apr 5, 2018

When it comes to the fashion of Jurassic Park, one particular item of clothing tends to come to mind: Ian Malcolm’s black button-up. Specifically, the way it hangs tantalizingly open in that one shot, beckoning 25 years’ worth of moviegoers (and counting) into puberty with the glimpse it provides of Jeff Goldblum’s bare, glistening chest. 

You know the shot I’m taking about.

But, in all our (understandable) collective thirst for Goldblum, I think we’ve all lost sight of what is quite possibly Jurassic Park’s most impressive fashion miracle. It is this: Laura Dern made khaki shorts look cool as hell. 

Jeff Goldblum, in Jurassic Park, wears all black. You have to be the most unfashionable type of jackass—think Donald Trump-level uncool—to wear an all-black outfit and not look like a badass. That’s not a knock on Goldblum; he wore a puka shell necklace in Independence Day and still achieved top-tier bangability. What I’m saying is that in terms of fashion, Dern’s loose, comfortable khaki shorts are a much higher degree of difficulty than Goldblum’s boho dino chic. It’s a higher bar to clear—and she cleared it, with all the aplomb of a pack of galamimuses leaping (flocking) over a fallen tree. 

Look at how effing cool she is.

Those shorts aren’t tight. They’re not skimpy. They have pockets and are paired with practical shoes. Dr. Sattler doesn't dress for sexy; she dresses to shove her arms elbow-deep into a steaming pile of dinosaur poop. And, really, isn’t the sexiest thing of all?

Uh, dressing to be competent at your job, that is. Not getting up close and personal with dino droppings. Though that’s someone’s thing, probably, and I’m not going to kink-shame them for it.

The only really bad thing about how how cool Dr. Sattler looks is that it might inspire you to click over to Lands' End and invest some baggy khaki couture of your very own. If Laura Dern makes it work, surely you can, too? Reader, don't do it. You can't. Nobody can. Only Laura Dern. That's just how it works.