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Chosen One of the Day: Magikarp, the worst Pokemon

Contributed by
Jan 16, 2018

It probably goes without saying that 2017 was a pretty crap year for a lot of people. It was the first year of the Trump presidency. We were all forced to watch as some of the worst parts of humanity gained louder voices and large soapboxes and the year wrapped up with an ongoing (and ever-growing) series of sexual assault and harassment allegations against powerful men in a number of industries.

It's been rough, and it's too early to tell whether 2018 will be our triumphant rise from the gutter or our final descent into the fiery abyss of terror.

In these uncertain times, we need a hero, an inspirational -- no, aspirational -- character, upon whom we can place our hopes and dreams. Who we can look at and say, "If they can do it, so can I." And so, dear reader, I submit to you: Magikarp.

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Magikarp has long been considered one of the -- if not the -- worst Pokemon of the original 151 in the popular game, but that strange-looking fish, which flops around on its side and which knows only one, completely useless move, is the true symbol of perseverance. Yes, it may only be able to splash about impotently, unable to assist you in any real way on your journey, but if you are patient (or have the magic item that will allow you to take a shortcut) you can nurture this truly terrible creature into its final form.

And what, pray tell, is that final form?

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Yeah, that thing. A giant, badass sea serpent that can lay waste to your enemies in ways you never thought possible.

Forget the story of the Ugly Duckling. When our generation ushers in the next, we should inspire our offspring with this, the story of how a strange, orange, mustachioed fish monster grows up to become a fierce ruler of the pixelated oceans.