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Chosen One of the Day: Sweaty Daniel Wu in Geostorm

Contributed by
Mar 23, 2018

This being the internet and all, I have a list for you. It’s not one of those dumb BuzzFeed lists. It’s intellectual, insightful… may I even say “spiritual”? OK, here goes.

List of Recent Movies That Have Some Sweaty Daniel Wu But Not Enough Sweaty Daniel Wu:

1. Geostorm

2. Tomb Raider

List over.

If you didn’t see Geostorm… that’s fine. You don’t need to. It’s not terrible—it’s basically a mid-level ‘90s action movie that somehow came out in the year 2017—but it’s not as good as The Hurricane Heist. (What is?) However, one big thing Geostorm has going for it over The Hurricane Heist—over, let’s just go ahead and call it like it is, 99.999999% of movies ever made—is the presence of Daniel Wu… but sweaty.

Was there a single frame of sweaty Daniel Wu in Casablanca? Rashomon? The 400 Blows? No, no, and no again. Alfred Hitchcock never made a single movie with sweaty Daniel Wu. Maybe that's why you never got that Best Director Oscar, Al.

Geostorm, like all the best movies, is about ~*~*~weather~*~*~. (What’s up, Twister?) Daniel Wu plays Chen Long, a weather scientist who figures out weather-based shenanigans are afoot when Hong Kong unexpectedly has a major heat wave. Like, a lava-busting-through-the-road heatwave. It’s not a conspiracy to use an intricate system of satellites to create deadly weather events as a means of thrusting the world into chaos so the conspirator’s author can seize the reins of power—it’s just city infrastructure reacting to the smmmokin’ hot presence of Into the Badlands star Daniel Wu.

OK, it actually is a conspiracy to use an intricate system of satellites to create deadly weather events as a means of thrusting the world into chaos so the conspirator’s author can seize the reins of power.

But check this out:

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Get it.

Shortly after passing his knowledge of the conspiracy on to Geostorm’s ostensible star—a non-sweaty, non-Daniel Wu Gerard Butler—Daniel Wu gets (spoiler) assassinated. Which is kind of hilarious, since Geostorm made almost twice as much money in China as it did in the United States largely because it was marketed in China as a Daniel Wu vehicle. I’ll bet Chinese moviegoers wanted more sweaty Daniel Wu, too.