Chosen One of the Day: That guy who is way too concerned about Biff Tannen's wallet

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Apr 12, 2018

The Back to the Future trilogy does a lot in just three films. Hoverboards. Mother-son near-incest. Multiple loads of manure. The semi-problematic idea that a white teen actually created rock 'n roll. An accurate prediction of 2016 and beyond. Puffy vests. Just a lot, really. Every single person, prop, and costume is doing the absolute most in these films. But no one does as much with as little as Wallet Guy.

In Back to the Future II, 1985 Marty is trying to avoid running into 1955 Marty to get the 2015 Sports Almanac from 1955 Biff. It has just occurred to me while typing this that these movies are kind of hard to synopsize. Anyway, 1955 George McFly punches Biff in the first movie and 1985 Marty from the second movie runs up, decks him again, and steals the almanac.

This 45-year-old high school student is concerned.

The middle-aged teen, who does not know the names of his classmates, including the biggest bully in the school, stays with the unconscious Biff until he comes to, and shares his discovery.

He at no point moves from his spot to obtain what he believes to be a wallet or audibly inform Biff of the absence of said wallet. He is a pure bystander trying desperately to be involved in the story but not so desperately as to actually involve himself. He is worthless and kind of the worst. But only in the world of the film itself. To us the viewers, he is the film's most grounded character, the only realistic piece of the entire trilogy.

Every fantastical adventure needs its rock. And you, Wallet Guy, are my rock. Thank you, you five-line wonder who won't find out what exactly CPR is for another five years until 1960 when it is developed in the form we now know it, a fact I looked up specifically to honor a guy with five lines, four of them being basically the same line. 

Seriously though, I think he took his wallet.