Chosen One of the Day: That time Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter was a dominatrix in Super Mario Bros.

Contributed by

Irish actress Fiona Shaw has enjoyed a long and prestigious career that’s spanned film, theatre, and TV. She’s won the Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actress twice and been nominated for a Tony once and is just, really, a brilliant actress whose career should not be reduced down to “Fiona Shaw played Aunt Petunia in Harry Potter.”

Which is what I’m about to do.

I feel a little bad about it, but oh well. Here goes:

You remember that time Aunt Dursley from the Harry Potter movies played a dominatrix in Super Mario Bros.?

Because I do.

Oh, I do.

To be completely candid, Lena from Super Mario Bros.-- King Koopa's assistant/lover and the film's main villainess -- is not technically a dominatrix, in that she’s not definitely established as such. But gaze upon the black pleather costumery and tell me she and Koopa (Dennis Hopper) weren't engaging in a little whips-and-chains hanky-panky between scenes. And yes, you're welcome for that mental image.

Get. It.

Lena's hair, too, eventually goes full ginger Bride of Frankenstein realness, as you can see in the behind-the-scenes video below. Super Mario Bros., as we all know, is a ridiculous movie, but damn if Shaw doesn't appear to be having some fun dressed up like a Marilyn Manson music video extra with a Dita von Teese upgrade.

"He probably likes these, like, flowers. He's romantic. All sorts of really revolting Earthbound things." Fiona. I feel like we have a connection. So you can tell me: you kept one of the outfits, right? Was it the blue one? I bet it was the blue one. You don't even have to tell me outright -- you can just create an e-mail burner account and send a blank message to FionaShawSuperMarioBrosDominatrixTruther@gmail.com and I'll know I'm onto something.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie Archive has concept art and promotional images of some of Lena's delightfully wacky, '90s Madonna-esque costumes. Gird your loins for: black latex! Missile boobs! And, best of all: a velvet catsuit with attached high heels! In the parallel universe where all Fiona Shaw characters are the same character, Uncle Vernon acts like a jackass just because he wants Petunia to "punish" him later. Their safeword is "no post on Sundays."