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Chosen One of the Day: That time Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter was a dominatrix in Super Mario Bros.

Contributed by
Oct 31, 2017

Irish actress Fiona Shaw has enjoyed a long and prestigious career that’s spanned film, theatre, and TV. She’s won the Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actress twice and been nominated for a Tony once and is just, really, a brilliant actress whose career should not be reduced down to “Fiona Shaw played Aunt Petunia in Harry Potter.”

Which is what I’m about to do.

I feel a little bad about it, but oh well. Here goes:

You remember that time Aunt Dursley from the Harry Potter movies played a dominatrix in Super Mario Bros.?

Because I do.

Oh, I do.

To be completely candid, Lena from Super Mario Bros.-- King Koopa's assistant/lover and the film's main villainess -- is not technically a dominatrix, in that she’s not definitely established as such. But gaze upon the black pleather costumery and tell me she and Koopa (Dennis Hopper) weren't engaging in a little whips-and-chains hanky-panky between scenes. And yes, you're welcome for that mental image.

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Get. It.

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Lena's hair, too, eventually goes full ginger Bride of Frankenstein realness, as you can see in the behind-the-scenes video below. Super Mario Bros., as we all know, is a ridiculous movie, but damn if Shaw doesn't appear to be having some fun dressed up like a Marilyn Manson music video extra with a Dita von Teese upgrade.

"He probably likes these, like, flowers. He's romantic. All sorts of really revolting Earthbound things." Fiona. I feel like we have a connection. So you can tell me: you kept one of the outfits, right? Was it the blue one? I bet it was the blue one. You don't even have to tell me outright -- you can just create an e-mail burner account and send a blank message to FionaShawSuperMarioBrosDominatrixTruther@gmail.com and I'll know I'm onto something.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie Archive has concept art and promotional images of some of Lena's delightfully wacky, '90s Madonna-esque costumes. Gird your loins for: black latex! Missile boobs! And, best of all: a velvet catsuit with attached high heels! In the parallel universe where all Fiona Shaw characters are the same character, Uncle Vernon acts like a jackass just because he wants Petunia to "punish" him later. Their safeword is "no post on Sundays."