Chosen One of the Day: The Lost Boys' glitter blood

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Aug 16, 2017

Good afternoon, you fine and beautiful gentlepeople. You remember The Lost Boys? Vampires. Mullets. The two Coreys. Mullets. "Cry Little Sister." Mullets. Jami Gertz with follicular life goals. Mullets. Mullets. Extra mullets. More mullets. Mullets everywhere. The Sexy Sax Man.

The Lost Boys was a special movie from a special time. And I just want to make sure all of you remember that, within the mythology of The Lost Boys, vampires have glitter blood. They do. It is the actual, literal '80s hell truth.

Now, you can't really see it all that well in this clip, in which vamp minion Marko (Alex Winter) is staked by Corey Feldman and proceeds to expel a veritable geyser of blood from his chest. The blood looks suspiciously like corn syrup, but other than that, nothing too weird about it, right?

WRONG. Glitter, unlike vampires, needs the sun to realize its full potential. Check out the little blood-covered Frog brothers once they step out into the daylight, covered in Marko's effluvia.

Wham, bam, thank you glitter blood.

This raises so many questions about the evolution and biology of supernatural creatures, and I care about precisely zero of them because yo the vampires have glitter blood. You can take your cravats and your long hair and your fake British accents — can you imagine anything more extra? Glitter blood serves absolutely no purpose. You can't even see the glittery fabulousness of it until it's out in sunlight, at which point the vampire it came from is probably dead. It's the best, most ridiculous epitaph. I am dead now, but at one point I was fabulous. Remember me for the glitter-filled demon spat up from the depths of hell I truly was.

Also, if blood requires some elbow grease to get out of fabrics, you know damn well that glitter is impossible to unlodge. Glitter blood is a final eff you to a vampire's murderer, really. Corey Feldman is going to be picking that stuff out of various orifices for weeks.

I would like to end this post with an acknowledgement of the glittery elephant in the room: Twilight and its much-derided "sparklepires." There's a lot wrong with the Twilight franchise — its glorification of domestic abuse comes to mind, and the fact that the books are horribly written, and that the movies aren't just two hours each of Michael Sheen giggling on a loop — without getting into vampire prescriptivism. "Twilight ruined vampires! Vampires aren't supposed to sparkle!" Literal glitter blood. 1987.

Also, vampires aren't real.