We here at SYFY WIRE Fangrrls will not rest until we have done a Chosen One of the Day on every single element of seminal teen vampire movie The Lost Boys. Glitter blood: Check. Sexy sax man: Check. Second unit gaffer Scott Spencer, your day is coming. But before then, let’s check in with another element of The Lost Boys that contributed so mightily to its impeccable aura of tacky ‘80s schlock: the mullets.
God help me, but the mullets in The Lost Boys—particularly those rocked by vamp leader David (Kiefer Sutherland) and minions Marko (Alex Winter) and Paul (Brooke McCarter)—were full-on undead terrible. What was wrong with the ‘80s? Why did we aspire to this? It’s aggressively bad. We’ve seen some awful fashion trends come and go in the years since The Lost Boys took sexy teen vampires mainstream—hello low-rise jeans, hello crimped hair, hello a good three-quarters of the outfits ever worn on Buffy the Vampire Slayer—but the mullets are something else.
I’d be willing to self-delude and say that David, Marko, and Paul commited treason upon their own poor hair follicles by accident. No reflections, after all. I want to believe this ... but I can't, because they clearly spent time and product (so much product) getting their coifs to juuuuust the right level of eye-searing terror. Each mullet belongs to its own particular subgenre of ghastly. David has the more traditional eighth-grade trailer trash variety:
… while Paul bought out Santa Carla, California’s entire stock of Aqua Net with his floofy Twisted Sister number …
… and Marko, with his long, flowing Caucasian wannabe jheri curl … I don’t even know what to make of this. I don’t want to think about it. I suspect that if I look in a mirror and say “Marko” three times, a gel-crispy mullet tail will emerge from the hell dimension, wrap itself around my throat, and strangle me. I mean, damn, at least we know where Justin Timberlake got his late '90s 'do, but ... at what cost? At what cost?
Nice jacket, though.