Chosen One of the Day: The Thor: Ragnarok orgy ship

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Nov 6, 2017

By now, most of you have had a chance to see Thor: Ragnarok, the latest entry in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Thor: Ragnarok has: Jokes! Bright colors! Capes! Lots and lots and lots of capes! Family drama. Cate Blanchett doing the absolute most. Tessa Thompson and Jeff Goldblum playing havoc with all sorts of people’s sexual orientations. Lions, tigers, bears… and a literal frakmobile.

Which character in Thor: Ragnarok would you guess has a frakmobile? Did you guess Jeff Goldblum's character? Of course you did. And you’d be right. At one point [mild, intentionally vague spoilers in case you haven’t seen the movie], Thor, Bruce Banner, and Valkyrie have to make a hasty getaway. To do this, they steal a ship. Only the ship they steal doesn’t have any weapons on it, because … it’s an orgy ship. A ship for orgies. A ship designed so that Jeff Goldblum’s character, the Grandmaster, can have sex with multiple people on it, aka "ride a minivan down the rainbow bridge of sexual ecstasy."

A frakmobile.

The orgy ship doesn’t have guns on it, but it does have: Fireworks (of the literal and sssssexual variety). Bright colors. And probably—as Peter Quill's ship in Guardians of the Galaxy did—some, er, questionable stains. “If I had a blacklight, this would look like a Jackson Pollock painting,” etc. etc. etc..

One thing we didn’t see on the frakmobile was a bed. Obviously, there has to be one -- maybe it pops out of a panel or swings down from the ceiling. I deem it to be a circular affair, strewn with rose petals, befitted with silken sheets with this image on them:

We didn’t actually see the bed, so you can’t convince me that I’m wrong.

Also, the ambient music is just the Jeff Goldblum Chuckle (TM) from Jurassic Park on a loop, with NSYNC’s “Digital Get Gown” thrown in for when things are about to get real weird. Which they do. A lot. Because it's the Jeff Goldblum F*ckship. I'm not entirely sure he doesn't have one in real life.