Chosen One Of the Day: How much I want Robin Wright's character in Wonder Woman to step on me

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Jun 2, 2017

By now, the early screenings of Wonder Woman have come and gone, meaning lucky so-and-sos around the world have been treated to, may I say, a damn fine superhero movie. Key elements include Wonder Woman punching a tank, Chris Pine and David Thewlis having to utter the phrase "Doctor Poison" with a straight face, and -- most importantly -- Robin Wright's status as a sexual dynamo: confirmed.

Roll tape.

Robin Wright plays Antiope, general of the Amazonian army and mentor (and aunt) to Gal Gadot's Diana. She is so sexy in this movie that I would let her murder every single person on the last five branches of my family tree, retroactively erasing my entire existence, if before I disappeared into nothingness I got to hang out with her for five minutes. Hell. Awkwardly standing next to her on the subway would do. I'm down.

Saying Robin Wright is sexy in Wonder Woman doesn't mean she's sexualized, because she very emphatically is not. Her battle garb is practical, the cinematography is bereft of male gaze, and she's not wearing makeup. On Antiope and her sister Hippolyta (Connie Nielsen), there's the normal stage makeup, I assume, and maybe a smidge of eyeshadow -- I'd have to examine Antiope's face in high-def at a distance of no more than a few inches in order to confirm, which I fully plan to do once the Blu-ray comes out. But I'm pretty sure her face is makeup-free. Do you realize how goddamn rare that is in a major Hollywood movie? You're more likely to see a female character wake up in the morning with a face full of Sephora, winged eyeliner and all, than you are to see one who opts for a bare face.

(That isn't to say that makeup is bad or unfeminist or anything. Makeup is great! But, as always, variety is the spice of life: Media should show us women who wear makeup and women who don't, seeing as that's how the real world is and all. Diana wears makeup, though where she gets eyeliner on Themiscyra I do not know.)

For Antiope, time that would have been spent trying to figure out contouring (how????) is instead spent overseeing the training of her fellow Amazons, physically sparring with Diana, verbally sparring with Hippolyta, wailing on men and generally being an uber-competent badass bitch. I was not prepared. I've never seen House of Cards, so my mental image of Robin Wright is still from The Princess Bride, despite the many years of great work Wright's put in since. Princess Buttercup? Cute. Not particularly sexy, though. Antiope. Holy damn. Also, she and that second-in-command (Lisa Loven Kongsli) are totally an item.

I'm going to need a heist movie where Robin Wright and Gwendoline Christie play lesbian lovers who rob banks, and I'm going to need it yesterday.