The live-action adaptation of Disney's 1991 classic Beauty and the Beast made its way into theaters on March 17 with the intention of blowing the minds of newcomers and fans of the original (like myself).
As every child in America (and adult for that matter) has probably seen this revamped version of my favorite tale, I thought it only right to go through the original animated film with new (adult-ish) eyes. And as I did, I noticed several things I never paid attention to or even questioned as a kid — either because I was in awe of the film or I wasn't old enough to realize that some things really didn't add up.
Here are my 55 thoughts, questions and concerns:
1. The movie starts out speaking of a Prince's bad behavior and makes no mention of his parents, leading us to believe he's been orphaned since Disney has no problem with killing off kids' parents. If that's the case, wouldn't his title go from Prince to King? Furthermore, why is the 11-year-old Prince/King answering the door by himself — doesn't he have servants to do that for him?
2. Why would it ever be OK for an 11-year-old to let a stranger into his house in exchange for a rose, moreover an 11-year-old Prince/King? To be honest, the true villain in this story is the enchantress. Who goes around cursing 11-year-old orphan boys who are obviously spoiled because they've had NO real parental guidance in their lives?
3. The Prince/King's kingdom is either really small or completely ignorant — and I'm going to go with the latter. What kind of kingdom doesn't notice their Prince/King disappeared for some 9+ years? Did they think they got a break from authority when they heard no royal decrees being sent out over the years or noticed no one was collecting taxes? Or did they all pack up and leave when they thought he disappeared like his parents? And if so, does that mean he's still a Prince/King if he has no people to rule?
4. Is Belle the only person in the town who reads? Gaston mentions the town has been "talking about" because it's "not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, then thinking." But, there's a library. So, is it only men in this town reading fairy tales or nah?
5. Belle is reading a book that's essentially telling her life. I mean, there's a girl reaching out her hand to a man-beast-creature thing. So meta…
6. Also, why is this lady washing her laundry mad at Belle for reading to the sheep? Mind your business, lady.
7. Why is Gaston hunting ducks in the middle of the town? Can he not do that in a field or something?
8. Why didn't Gaston ever give the buxom blonde triplets the time of day? That was a sure, undeniable foursome if he ever wanted one. These girls literally pass out at the sight of him.
9. Where's Belle's mom? She's never mentioned, nor does anyone ask why this young woman is being raised by a "crazy ol' loon" inventor.
10. When Philippe the horse runs back home with the invention, he didn't see Maurice get chased by wolves into the castle … so exactly how did he know to take Belle there now?
11. Maurice knocked the door twice and the door opened. What kind of castle just leaves the door open, though? Like, seriously …
12. Is Mrs. Potts the only animated tea pot? I'd like to think there were others in the kitchen staff that could help … unless Beast smashed them over the years for getting his order wrong.
13. If Beast lived in seclusion, why would he think Maurice came "to stare at the beast." No one knows you're a beast except the people in the castle, boo.
14. If Belle never gave Gaston the time of day on the street, in the tavern, or in life, why did he think she would accept his wedding proposal — and marry him on the spot?
15. Also, did you peep Belle's house had the first invented magnified peephole?
16. Why are Lumiere and the feather duster Plumette the only characters with a French accent? Are Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts imports from an English court or something?
17. For someone who wanted adventure in the "Great wide somewhere," Belle was all too apt to give up her entire life for her old, sickly pops … and then again to live all walled up in a castle with her new man. Talk about a dream deferred!
18. Is Lumiere the only candlestick? Again, there should be other animated luminaries, but he seems to be the only one there.
19. If "every last inch" of Gaston is covered with hair … you know what, let's not even go there.
20. Five Dozen eggs a morning? Gaston's cholesterol must be through the roof and what about all the salmonella poisoning he may have?
21. The time it takes to get the castle is a complete mystery. In the beginning, it seemed to take Belle and Maurice about half a day to get there with a horse. But then, it seemed to take less than that when Maurice was escorted off the property with the enchanted coach.However, when Maurice went to 'rescue' Bell on foot, it seemed to take him several days. Were there just shortcuts the animals and coaches were taking or did no one really think about keeping this consistent?
22. If the townspeople thought Maurice was making up the beast, why didn't anyone decide to check in on Belle to see she was missing — particularly Gaston? I mean, what a husband-in-waiting he is.
23. Where did the Armoire get those dresses for Belle from? Are those her old clothes or the clothes of a lady who was turned into something that was later destroyed? Why is there women's clothes in the castle and no women?
24. Also, couldn't the beast have fallen in love with one of his servants and break the curse? He just needed a woman to love and to earn her love in return. The spell didn't specify that it had to be a woman in human form.
25. Also Beast was walking around the first half of the movie in a pair of pants and a cape — which means in human form, he would've just been all bare-chested abs. Get it, hun.
26. "Into the cupboard with your brothers and sisters" — are those all Mrs. Potts' kids or did she adopt them following the enchantment? And if that's the case, why are there so many children-turned-tea cups in the castle? Was Chip the only human child and the rest were just cups that came to life?
27. And speaking of life, is Chip ten years old? Because if he's anything younger than that, I'd like to know how a teapot gave birth to a cup — and who the baby daddy is. Let's face it, her name is Mrs. Potts, which means there should be a Mr. Potts. Again, was this a teapot the beast smashed in his anger following the transformation? So many questions …
28. Seriously, how did Beast not hear this exquisite "Be Our Guest" song and dance downstairs? He obviously wasn't asleep.
29. Who owned the dog that turned into the footstool?
30. Why wouldn't they just tell Belle the West Wing was Beast's quarters? Since she wanted nothing to do with him, wouldn't it make sense to tell her it was something of his in order to repulse her?
31. The portrait of the Prince/King in the West Wing is of him at a much older age, however, he was turned as a boy. Why would the painting be of an older version of him? Were they trying to age him in the portrait … kinda like a fake ID, but with a portrait?
32. Beast had to go through puberty as a beast. Mull that over. Did he ever get urges to be with a female animal, or girls, or did the spell stunt his urges for physical contact?
33. It seems like the same wolves that attacked Maurice, attacked Belle (and Beast). Do these wolves have no other part of the woods to roam? They seem to hang around the same spot, which I do not get since it's evident they don't get food in that place often. Why wouldn't they migrate to where they could find a meal?
34. How did Gaston think sending his would-be father-in-law into a looney bin would win Belle? Also, he's got serious rapey tendencies.
35. The castle's library has books upon books, upon books — stacked up to the ceiling that no one was reaching. Who put them there and who did they expect to take them down when someone wanted to read one?
36. After Belle and the Beast become cordial, he started to use a spoon and wear a shirt. Why aren't these things he was doing before since he was a "spoiled" Prince/King? These should've been 'uppity' habits he maintained unless he just stopped giving all kinds of fu**s when he became an animal.
37. Beast wears pants, but when he takes a shower, we see him bare-butted before they wrap a towel around him. If he were in human form, we would've been mooned, you guys.
38. If they had to poke a hole in all of Beast's pants to make room for his tail, did they have to stitch them all back once he became human again? Otherwise, he would've had pants with holes in the backside.
39. Again, the trip to the castle is wracked with continuity problems. It seemingly took Maurice days to get halfway to the castle. Belle gets to him in and brings him back home that same night. Sometime that same night, ALL the men in the village were able to get to the castle ON FOOT in record time to have the super climactic fight scene. How is it that the villagers could get to the castle faster than Belle or Maurice were able to previously — with Belle then making the trek in relatively short timing when heading back to save Beast from the mob?
40. Also, LeFou should've died from hypothermia sitting in that snow and cold for days.
41. Gaston thought Maurice was crazy for believing a beast kidnapped Belle three days ago but then knows everything about the Beast right before rousing the mob. How does he know it eats children when he thought it didn't exist literally five minutes prior?
42. How dumb are the people in this town? If Beast NEVER bothered you for the ten years he lived, why would he all of a sudden decide to slaughter everyone in the town?
43. And why did nobody think to ask Belle — the person who lived with Beast for several days — what the creature was like aside from the one person who asked, "is it dangerous?" Obviously, if Belle came back alive, Beast wasn't the killing type, no?
44. Did Mrs. Potts notice her son was missing? Like, he's usually at her side and between the time he stowed away to the time Belle came back to the castle, she didn't look for him once. That's some not-so-great parenting right there …
45. How did Gaston know where to find the castle? Again, he didn't believe Beast was real, so how did he know where exactly the castle was and the shortest route to get there — with a tree for a battering ram at that?
46. The entrance to the castle changed. Before there was a giant black iron gate… now, there's a bridge. What happened?! Is this an entrance we don't know about? Oh, and now the door is locked. Not when Maurice or Belle first came, though …
47. If the silverware was animated, why didn't the knives and forks just attack the mob from the beginning? A couple of stab wounds definitely would've definitely deterred them.
48. Was I the only one turned on during the first scene between Gaston and Beast? When Beast roared at him and flung Gaston's little behind, I was living for it.
49. I understand that Gaston is the "greatest hunter in the whole world," but how did he expect to win that fight? Like, come on dude. He legit went into crybaby mode when Beast had by the throat. He should've known better.
50. Was I the only person wondering what Belle meant by, "we're together now, everything will be fine" as she cried over him? Like, was she really telling him they were going to live happily ever after as Beast and woman?
51. Belle is hilarious. After Beast's transformation, she gives him the weirdest look (despite him being the sexiest prince in Disney history, ever). Then plays with his hair and only believes "it is" him after staring into his beautiful, blue eyes. Really, girl?!
Like, look at him ...
Just as fine as he wanna be!
52. Also, did she ever ask for his correct name when he transformed? Did they discuss these things during their fireside reading sessions and we didn't know?
53. Why are some of the same village people from the mob hanging out at the castle at the end while Belle and Prince/Beast dance? And where did all the people from the court come from? Where they also changed, and just decided to not show their faces while Belle was living in the castle? Why did we never see them?
54. And why is everyone else dressed up, but Belle's dad is wearing the same pedestrian looking clothes? Couldn't they find him something more dignified to wear for his daughter's dance with her Prince/King boyfriend soon-to-be husband?
55. Could we also assume that Belle and Prince/King were living in sin for some time until they got married (as the crown doesn't appear on her head until the stained-glass window shines on her crown at the end)? To be honest, I could totally see Belle and Prince/King doing the nasty long before the wedding and coronation … their kisses were super intense. Aoow!