It’s that time of year when the internet is littered with two things: bad Star Wars opinions and endless gift guides. But we’ve yet to find a gift guide that’s truly been of any use to us. Sure, some dragon eggs are fine if you’re a Game of Thrones fan, but has anyone ever been blown the f*ck away by getting a set? They don’t even hatch into actual dragons and, let’s be honest, if you can’t set your enemies on fire, what’s even the point?
So we decided the most helpful way for us to guide you on your gifting this year was to tell you what people REALLY want ... Or, at least what we really want. Because we work hard on this site and, well, would it hurt you to send us a token of appreciation? No. No it would not. So gather round, roast some chestnuts on an open fire, grab a glass of Rumchata on the rocks, and whip out your credit cards. This is the only gift guide that matters.
12 Lenovo Jedi Challenges headsets for Team Fangrrls
We need these headsets because around here, we take our training very seriously. We cannot adequately engage the strategic combat necessary to fulfill our dark deeds unless we have the appropriate resources. What are those dark deeds, you ask? Well, my friends, allow me to let you in on a little secret -- every time a dude on Twitter says something like "you feminazis won't be happy until there's no men at all, will you?" a Fangrrls padawan gets her braid, and then she cuts off that braid and whips annoying boys with it.
Price: $2,388 ($199.99 per headset)
The pink jacket Nicole Haught wears in Season 2 of Wynonna Earp that I CANNOT FIND ANYWHERE
I firmly believe this jacket would look good on me because Officer Haught and I have the same coloring, so there would be no clashing involved. Short of actually Single White Femaling her to actually become her in real life, this is the closest I can get. Wait. Can I actually request to become her for Christmas and wear a gun and date Waverly Earp? It’s not unreasonable. It’s the least I’m owed. Really. REALLY. - Carly Lane
Price: We don’t know. We can’t find it.
A to-scale model of Happy Hogan waiting in a high school boy's restroom for Peter Parker to look at his phone
Watch the tiny Happy Hogan, with his tiniest of sweat drops, as he, a grown man, awkwardly waits for a 15-year-old boy in a high school restroom. Make the scene your own and create unbelievable excuses for him to say as students come in and out and he continues to stand there! - Preeti Chhibber
Price: - $139.99
A one-way ticket to Themyscira
You think I’m joking, but I’m not. I would love nothing more than to be able to take a one-way trip to an island of all women as a gift for putting up with ALL THE MEN in 2017. This would be pre-movie, of course, so Robin Wright would still be alive; she could train me to become a fierce warrior by day and then cradle me in her swol arms at night. Her girlfriend could come too. - Carly Lane
A year, a month, hell, we'd gratefully take a single week where our Twitter notifications aren't spiked with male fans "well, actually"ing us. Most of the time, these dudes are correcting us about something that was just a joke to begin with. Sometimes, they actually AGREE with us, rewording our argument with "Yes, but ..." at the front as if that makes it a new point! And then there's the times where they're just flexing their nerd cred, as if we'll fall to our knees and weep with joy over the easily wiki-ed factoid they revealed. So this holiday season, before you tweet at us, take a single moment to think if you're not tweeting a fun comment as much as just letting us know you have MAN THOUGHTS that need to be recognized all the time always. - Kristy Puchko
Born out of a horrible and beautiful idea from our own Preeti Chhibber, R2DTF is all about that GTL (gym, tan, Lando). R2DTF will live in your house, eat all your snacks and smoke all your weed. What's that? You don't have any weed? Well, he smoked all your oregano and he is super high off it and now he wants spaghetti. So, good luck with all that.
A solution that when drunk will give you Bat-man growl voice for 24 hours
Extreme Batman voice: “I would like a mcgriddle sandwich please, and a hashbrown.” Extremer Batman voice: “Here's the invoice you requested. No. This is just what my voice sounds like.” Extremest Batman voice: “I'm sorry Jake, please don't leave me. It'll wear off by tomorrow! I promise. COME BACK!” - Preeti Chhibber
Price: Jake's love and affection
A coupon for "One Marvel Heroine Movie Of My Choosing"
And Kevin Feige -- bound as he is to this artifact by that darkest of magics: inescapable multimovie contracts -- has to honor it. Whatever will I demand? Will my requested She-Hulk movie be more Legally Blonde or A Few Good Men? That Dazzler: The Movie actually be a movie? Turn Loki: Agent of Asgard into a distaff Bond parody featuring lady Loki, space Viking shenanigans and maximum queerness? Or perhaps the greatest gift of all is merely holding it over his head, using it to motivate the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe from the shadows. - Clare McBride
Jessica Jones-Branded Whiskey
Not all of us have the strength to lift cars or punch through walls, but sometimes we’ve had days when it feels like we’ve had. For those tough times when that one ex’s voice echoes in your brain, or you’ve had to deal with that particularly bland co-worker that just doesn’t carry his own weight, Jessica Jones Whiskey is there for you. This strong blend loves you as much as a trusted voice on the radio, and is always happy to lull you off to sleep. Sure, some people might say you “have a drinking problem” or you’re “not actually coping with your PTSD” or you’re “self-medicating in a harmful way.” You know who doesn’t say such stupid things? Whiskey. - Riley Silverman
Price: $19.99 and a fist to the throat
A Free Trip to Rainbow Road
Buy a loved one a trip to Rainbow Road, but what you won't know when you purchase is whether they'll go to a magical place that will send them to any spot in the galaxy OR a multi-colored hellscape where they're stuck in tiny cars hoping to God that they don't fall off the edge because there are NO SAFETY BUMPERS. But they won't know until they get there, because that's half the fun! Buy it for your favorite frenemy! - Preeti Chhibber
Price: Free, but at what cost?
A Good Place Janet
A Good Place Janet is the perfect gift for that one person on your list who’s notoriously difficult to shop for. With access to all knowledge in the known universe and infinite manufacturing capabilities, Janet goes above and beyond any other virtual assistant. Sure, you can get Alexa to order you a pizza, but can Alexa create an entire pizzeria out of thin air and then give it a cute name like Take Another Little Pizza My Heart or Gimme Some Oven? Don’t think so. Janet can also be your perfect companion. Ask her for advice, and she’ll download specialized information into her database to transform into your own personal therapist. (Results may vary. Any deviation from Janet’s core programming voids her warranty. Probably.) Finally, Janet won’t shame you for your awful food choices at 1 a.m., and she’ll gladly give you the sour cream fountain that your dirty, dirty heart desires to dip all the Takis and Flamin' Hot Cheetos into. - Michelle Villanueva
Price: Free if you steal it.
This set with a Wonder Woman tiara, bracelets and Lasso of Truth
So that we can lead an army of amazons into 2018 and SMASH THE PATRIARCHY.
A Thor hammer
TO SMASH THE PATRIARCHY.
A Tie Fighter fly swatter
TO SMASH ANY BITS OF THE PATRIARCHY THAT THE HAMMER MISSED.
An R2D2 French press
They’re just nice to have. Also TO TAKE THE GROUNDS OF THE PATRIARCHY AND TURN IT INTO DELICIOUS MANCOFFEE.
R2D2 coffee press - $32.99
20 PS4s for Team Fangrrls
So we can play Battlefront 2 and SMASH THE EMPIRE, because there’s no patriarchy left to smash, we drank it all.
Price for 20: $6,000 ($300 apiece)
Win a date with Kylo Ren to see the emo band of your choosing
If I say "emo," who is the first person that comes to mind? Surely it's Kylo Ren, king of the emo teens whose parents just don't get him. If you want a date you know will softly cry himself to sleep at night after it's over, then Kylo is your guy. This gift includes dinner for two at Chili's (because Chili's is obviously the best restaurant there is) and tickets to the emo band of your choice. Kylo will come dressed in full regalia, including the wannabe Vader mask that he doesn't actually need to breathe but thinks looks pretty cool. At some point during the evening, if requested, he will remove the mask to show off his lustrous space conditioned locks. - Swapna Krishna
Price: $22 for a two-person dinner (Kylo: "But we’re splitting this, right? Also my mom is picking us up at 10.")
A queer-bait punch card (get baited ten times, get a free queer ship!)
Been feeling down because Supercorp is just a fun hashtag? Tired of angrily tweeting at anyone who doesn’t believe Watson and Sherlock are totally doing it? Can you believe they made a book where Chirrut and Baze just "adventure" together and couldn’t be bothered to identify them as the life partners that we absolutely know they are? With this punch card, you can turn all those nopes into hopes! With our Frequent Queer Bait Punch Card, you get a punch for every time you’re certain that queer pairing is going to happen only to have it dashed away by flimsy excuses about ratings and staying true to some sort of character continuity. Once that card fills up, you can turn it in for one free queer ship of your choice! So go out there and use that pile of of broken hearts to bring Poe and Finn together, or pull River Song out of that library and bring her back to the 13th Doctor! Let Valkyrie find solace in the arms of ... Nebula I guess? There’s not a big pool there, but that would work, right? And don’t worry, at the rate baits happen, you’ll be cashing in those free ships over and over again. - Riley Silverman
Price:100 for $16. You’ll need and easily use all 100.
A poster of Luke Skywalker's arms from Empire Strikes Back. Just his arms.
Seriously, the alternative title of this Empire should be "Hot Luke descends on Dagobah and we get the gift of those guns." What more could we need? Nothing. Just Luke's arms. - Preeti Chhibber
Price: $18.99 for 24x36 of pure
Your very own life-size Adam Baldwin but not awful
He comes with pre-programmed phrases, like “It’s me! Jayne Cobb, remember? From the show? My hat is funny!” and definitely not phrases that include words like “SJW” or “cuck” or anything else that reminds us of the horrors that lie beneath the character. My Size Adam Baldwin is your friend, ready to join you in some thrilling heroics and definitely not attempting to talk to you about ethics in gaming journalism. You and My Size Adam Baldwin can act out all your favorite scenes from Chuck and he’ll even tell you “stay in the car!” What he won’t tell you is that incest and same-gender marriage are the same thing. A great gift for the whole family, unless your family has lots of opinions about NFL players kneeling. Your family can just have the real version. My Size Adam Baldwin comes with four different outfits, all made in the USA, and he won’t even make a whole big thing about it that turns into a rant about coal jobs.
A porg farm
Lush green land. A small pond with a cascading brook behind a sumptuous farmhouse. Porgs. An apple tree perfect for sitting beneath and reading your favorite book. Porg shit just everywhere. Perfect hills as far as the eye can see. Seriously, you’re going to have to shovel constantly, they are just nonstop. A bucolic, isolated setting you’ll call home forever. No but you could actually build a carriage house out of all the porg feces, it’s just so much. But beyond that, it's a worthwhile investment. They make wonderful pets. Aside from all the shitting. And, if they’re not …
The Joy of Cooking With Porgs By Celestina Wampranoo: 611 Delicious Recipes Sure to Please Friends and Family!
This newly revised edition of the classic cookbook The Joy of Cooking With Porgs makes for a great gift whether you’re a novice or a master chef! Featuring such classic recipes as “Porg Fricassee” and “Porg a l’Orange,” and of course, the family favorite “Porg Pot Pie.” There are also dozens of new recipes, including “Porg Rarebit” and “Roast Stuffed Porg With Baked Apples.” With hundreds of recipes to choose from, there is sure to be a meal to satisfy even the pickiest of eaters! Also included are such helpful tips as “How to pluck a porg” and the “10 Best ways to prepare porg on the go.” A must have for the cook or porg connoisseur in your life! - Sarah Marrs
Price: Porg farm - $349,000; Joy of Cooking With Porgs - price TBD but in the meantime, this cookbook for hamsters (that actually exists and is a real thing) will keep your porgs happy and sh*tting up a storm.