Frak, Marry, Kill: Battlestar Galactica Edition

Contributed by
Jul 21, 2017

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a different debate about which Marvel hero has the best facial hair for you to check out. For everyone else, game on!

Unless you've put yourself into some kind of media blackout, you know that right now, San Diego Comic Con is underway in California. As part of the biggest celebration of nerdery of the year, there was a massive Battlestar Galactica reunion, bringing back the cast of the 2004 SYFY series to talk about the cultural impact of the show 13 years later.

So, naturally, we've decided to give our favorite characters, human and Cylon alike, the FMK treatment.

 

Round 1: Athena, Six and Starbuck

Cher: Ok first round, let’s do the laddddiieeeesssss

Rebecca: EYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Cher: F- Starbuck, Marry Athena, Kill Six. Boom.

Carly: Okay, hmm. Well, if I had to decide (and this goes against everything in my own unique programming), it would be frak Starbuck, marry Athena, kill Six. Same as you, Cher.

Cher: Copy cat

Rebecca: Frak Six, marry Athena, kill Starbuck

Cher: KILL STARBUCK

Rebecca: I love you, Starbuck!!!!! But.

Cher: Wait but I don't love you for saying that. WHY KILL HER?

Carly: It makes me very sad to kill Six because I love Tricia Helfer, buuuuut she's a little too diabolical for me.

Rebecca: I contend that Six would be a better lay than Starbuck. Starbuck, though I love her, would be a very selfish lover.

Cher: Yeah I mean, anyone who falls in love with Gaius is not someone I can tolerate.

Carly: Six would definitely make sure you were taken care of. But I feel like you'd always be wondering what she was thinking.

Rebecca: She would not care if you came. At all. Six is at least tuned enough into manipulation that she would make sure you had a good time.

Carly: Starbuck, on the other hand, is pretty easy to read.

Cher: Six would try to make me go to bible study. I’m not trying to find Jesus. I’m trying to find my O.

Rebecca: But I wouldn’t need to worry what Six was thinking if we only frakked one time! One and done, orgasm, don’t call in the morning.

Cher: Whatever, dude. Starbuck would get super alpha and that would be hot. She can’t frack once. Six is a stage 10 clinger.

Rebecca: That’s fair.

Carly: Starbuck would be good for a booty call with no strings attached.

Rebecca: I love how we all agree that Athena is the only one to marry. Because she’s awesome and marginally sane. You guys are bringing me around.

Cher: Starbuck might beat you up, might bang you. Maybe both simultaneously. That’s a good time.

Carly: Athena is a keeper.

Rebecca: I think Starbuck would only care about pleasuring you if she felt like it.

Carly: She's a good mommy and she would take care of you.

Cher: Athena is amazing and I feel like everyone who gushes over Tatiana in OB seems to neglect that GRACE PARK DID IT FIRST.

Rebecca: ALL HAIL GRACE PARK

Cher: Frak yeah.

Rebecca: I read “she’s a good mommy” as talking about Starbuck and was super confused about this being some weird sex thing.

Cher: Starbuck has issues.

Rebecca: like…. you do you Carly, but I personally don’t want to go there.

Carly: HA NO.

Cher: Wait, whaaaaaaa?

Carly: Starbuck is a terrible mom, did we forget about what happened on New Caprica?

Rebecca: ok ok, I will copy you both and switch to frak Starbuck, kill Six

Cher: Hold up. Her maternal instincts kicked when they had to

Rebecca: Starbuck will take you to heaven :wink: :wink: :wink: :wink:

Cher: YEAH SHE WILL

Rebecca: Because she’s an angel :wink::wink::wink::wink::wink: vomit emoji.  b to the u to the llsh*t

Carly: Worst plot twist ever.

Rebecca: I can see Six being a “don’t stick your dick in crazy” situation

Cher: Wait, but S3 has my fave ep. so….

Carly: I think Caprica Six is the sanest out of anyone but the other Sixes are questionable.

Rebecca: The mutiny arc was great and I still cry tears of blood over Gaeta, my second favorite BSG character after Tigh

Cher: Gaeta sucked.

Rebecca: gaaaaays … in ....spaaaaaace

Cher: LDKJALJDLAKDJ. Gaeta coulda been better but I don’t like when he got all assholey.

Rebecca: I just love how gaeta was in the background doing his damn JOB. the WHOLE SHOW. and whenever it came time to make a decision he backed the wrong horse. he was the worst judge of people. it’s #relatable

Cher: WORST DECISION MAKING EVER

Rebecca: GAETA THOUGHT THAT ROSLIN WAS BEING AN ASSHOLE DICTATOR AND HE WAS NOT WRONG

Cher: SHE IS THE WORST

Rebecca: #hottake

Cher: I will fight ANYONE who tries to say otherwise. I HATTTTEEEEEEEEE ROSLIN

Rebecca: I love that in season one Gaeta clearly wanted to frak Baltar and Baltar clearly knew it, and then the writers were like “no you know what we’re going to make it canon that that’s what was going on there”

Carly: I'll be honest, I probably need another rewatch to come around to the anti-Roslin camp because right now I can't quite hate her.

Cher: Ugh I wish Baltar and Gaeta had a sex scene. Like Gaius is def the kind that will have sex with anyone and everyone who thinks he’s attractive

Rebecca: I don’t hate her as much as Cher does. she’s a very good character. but some of the stuff she did… like you can be all democracy rah rah for the people but then don’t turn around and whine about “waah waah I can’t believe I have to CONVINCE people to do what I want why don’t they just DO IT” because that’s NOT HOW DEMOCRACY WORKS, ROSLIN. Sorry, I got off track. Gaius is a ho.

Cher: You can’t have democracy then base sh*t on your crazy religion

Rebecca: And I mean “ho” in a good, non-judgmental way. He was a cult leader. Dude FRAKS.

Cher: Baltar is seriously the same personality as at least 2 guys I've dated.

Rebecca: Maybe he has space STDs. What’s the antibiotic situation up there post-robopocalypse? We don’t know! Condolences, Cher.

Cher: like, if my phone rang one day and someone said this one ex of mine started a cult, I wouldn't even blink. ok ROUND 2

 

Round 2: Baltar, Adama, and Tigh

Cher: KILL TIGH

Carly: Hmmm. Marry Adama, frak Baltar, kill Tigh.

Cher: Then bring him back and KILL HIM AGAIN

Rebecca: Tigh is my favorite bsg character, but yes, kill Tigh. He would be a garbage lay and even more garbage husband. Canonically. Whiskey. Dick.

Carly: 'Nuff said.

Rebecca: Same as Carly - marry Adama, frak Baltar, kill Tigh. Baltar has too many issues to be with in the long-term.

Cher: I mean ... I guess same.

Rebecca: Plus, if you marry Adama you get to have sex with him A LOT, and I bet he’s good in the sack

Cher: Baltar is the David Koresh of space

Rebecca: LOL. True

Cher: The space FBI is def blowing his compound up any day now

Rebecca: Adama is sensitive - he’s in tune with other people’s emotions, but there’s still a gruffness to him that’s really appealing. he’ll treat you right. orgasm-wise.

Carly: Adama would be a good hubby, I bet. And Baltar would be a good lay in the sense that if he was into you, he'd give it his all. Because he wants to be perceived as a good lover.

Rebecca: He’s been around the block a time or two. I would.

Cher: But like…idk I feel like Baltar is the epitome of a shamefrak. like, I’d do him and hate myself for it

Rebecca: I feel like Baltar would be into BDSM. Being a sub, specifically.

Cher: And never admit it to anyone and then get a Z pack.

Rebecca: he’d front to other people like he’s the dom. but no. we know better.

Cher: oh for SURE. Baltar has a pee tape out there. No doubt.

Rebecca: I’d do it to say I did it. and yeah, then get myself tested.

Cher: but like, he’s proud of it.

Rebecca: Half the people in the fleet--women and men--have some sort of incriminating video of Baltar. People LINE UP to blackmail him

Carly: Baltar probably fraks to feel good about himself and his own skills.

Rebecca: Someone tries with a video of, like, cbt, and he’s like “pssht, please, there’s SO much worse out there, try again.” Baltar brags about being wonderful, and half the women he’s been with fake it

Cher: I imagine Baltar ended up running his cult but also making sex robots and became like the most powerful sex cult new age person in the galaxy. He’s MOM from Futurama.

Rebecca: Baltar is a premature ejaculator

Carly: I will forever be curious about what happened when Baltar and Starbuck slept together.

Rebecca: Jesus, I forgot about that. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Cher: Well she called out LEE BECAUSE WHO WOULDN’T? She prob got drunk and got it in but not with the person she wanted to bang. Obvi.

Rebecca: What matchup is Lee in? We need to talk about Lee.

Cher: Next round

Rebecca: I'm glad we’re not in the same room because there would be blood.

 

Lee, Helo, Anders

Cher: FRACK LEE. Marry Helo. BY ANDERS

Rebecca: Marry Helo, frak Anders, KILL LEE OUT OF PRINCIPLE BECAUSE HE IS GARBAGE

Cher: HE IS NOT GARBAGE HOW DARE YOU

Rebecca: (actually marry Helo is the only thing I'm firm on. Anders/Lee is more or less a toss-up) Even Adama would agree with me that you should kill Lee. He wasn’t bad once the lawyer shit happened and the writers figured out what to do with him

Carly: Marry Helo, frak Anders, kill Lee.

Rebecca: In the earlier seasons he was INSUFFERABLE. Acting like some paragon of moral virtue when he’s out there cheating on his wife and being a sanctimonious tw*t.

Cher: Helo is the only good person from beginning to end in that show. he has convictions and does the right thing ALL THE TIME.

Rebecca: He cannot pleasure a woman.

Cher: Listen, he only married her out of spite, so, WHATEVER. LEE ADAM CAN ABSOLUTELY PLEASURE A WOMAN.

Rebecca: I love that the BSG writers still made Helo INTERESTING. because writers have trouble with that sometimes - taking a character who’s inherently decent and being like “fuck, we gotta edgelord him up a bit because being nice is BORING”

Cher: But like, can we talk about how the chosen one was actually a kinda bad person and a secondary character was the true hero?

Rebecca: Guess what else is wrong? Lee Adama's sexual prowess

Cher: bc that’s totally what happened on that show

Rebecca: It’s non-existent

Cher: DONTSAYIT! I WILL CUT YOU.

Rebecca: I actually do not think that Adama would be bad in bed. especially if we’re talking about towel Lee but I have to say frak Lee just to screw with you

Carly: I always felt like Anders got the short shrift. So maybe my answer is partly a pity frak.

Cher: Lee Adama is sex from the first minute he’s on screen. I’d even do fat Lee. YEAH I SAID IT!

Rebecca: God, help and Athena deserved each other. in a good way, not a snarky way. they’re both just the best. C H E R

Cher: That’s factual.

Carly: Like, Anders deserves so much more than he gets. Especially from Kara.

Rebecca: Anders did get the short shrift! He was not a bad guy

Carly: And Helo would be SUCH a good husband.

Rebecca: He was caught up in a bullsh*t Lee/Starbuck drama situation that he was not prepared for.

Cher: Anders was fine in the beginning, but then he got hella annoying and BYE

Rebecca: Look he was just a fratboy jock who loved a woman who was a dick and treated him like sh*t

Cher: IDK. He just seemed like a dumb jock. But he was a robot so, whatever.

Rebecca: Anders is not a sexual dynamo, but he would please you

Cher: But wait….sex would probs be really good with him

Rebecca: He cares about you. Lee would not give a sh*t about you if you’re not Starbuck.

Cher: bc he’d never get tired like a human

Rebecca: and self-loathing is not attractive. I’d frak a robot. There, I said it.

Cher: Lee liked that hooker he fell for.

Rebecca: Oh god. Black Market. Let’s not

Carly: Anders was always in love with Kara and it sucked because she never really loved him back the way she did Lee.

Cher: I’m…not disagreeing with robot banging.

Rebecca: Carly, what are your thoughts on robot banging

Carly: Iiiiiii mean, between BSG and Westworld my feelings are conflicted but I'm not against it.

Cher: IDK I think Kara and Lee had this mega connection that was like all sorts of thing at once. But I think her perfect match was Leoben. So ok wait. Robot banging. Are they straight up blatant robots? Or are they under the impression they’re people? And can I customize mine?

Rebecca: This is going to get into weird consent issues

Carly: lololol like I said my feelings are complicated.

Rebecca: Is there another trio? because I need to eat dinner.

Carly: HAHA I think we're done right

Cher: No we’re done

Carly: I'm dying

Cher: We’re SO done. Lol. There’s no coming back from this

Carly: We have ascended