Frak, Marry, Kill: Halloween edition

Contributed by
Oct 31, 2017

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post with lots of gifs of Jeff Goldblum and Taika Waititi in it. For everyone else, game on!

Happy Halloween! If you're like us, then you're probably counting down the hours until you can get off work to head home, dress up like a certain well-known (or not) character and pass out some candy to trick-or-treaters while indulging in the spookiest movies. Here at SYFY Fangrrls, however, we decided to celebrate the holiday in a slightly different way: by talking about which of our Halloween faves we'd rather frak, marry or kill. There are almost too many options to choose from, but we narrowed each of three rounds down to a specific theme. So let's dive in!


ROUND 1: Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers

Rebecca: Freddy has knife fingers, so: KILL KILL KILL

Carly: This one is so much harder than I thought it would be for me.

Courtney: Jason has a lot of mom baggage though. I mean, Freddy's gloves can come off. Mama Voorhees is forever.

Carly: He also gets progressively more decomposed as the series goes on, which... no thanks. I don't want to be with a guy whose parts are falling off.

Cher: Frak Michael, Marry Freddy, Kill Jason. Cosign with the mom issues. No one likes a Mama’s boy, especially a murdery one. Also Freddy is at least funny, so there’s that.

Courtney: Frak Freddy, Marry Michael, Kill Jason.

Carly: I think I'm going to say frak Freddy, marry Michael, kill Jason.

Rebecca: Yeah, I don't want Mama Voorhees as a MIL.

Cher: Like, maybe he’s just misundertood? You saw that tweet the other day, right?

Courtney: Michael doesn't really do anything. He just stands there.

Rebecca: That seems like the worst possible outcome.

Cher: Yeah, but the whole guy in a mask thing is a special kinda kink.

Carly: I bet with Freddy it would be a lot of hot stuff in my dreams, HERE FOR IT.

Rebecca: You know what, Carly? You've brought me around.

Courtney: [Michael]'d be like a very tall plant. It's really just an acquisition more than a marriage so it's fine.

Cher: Plus Michael Myers doesn’t talk, which is always a bonus.

Rebecca: Michael won't do any household chores, but I doubt ANY of these three are particularly into cleanliness. You can use him as a coat rack.

Carly: Michael would just stand around which is perfect because he'd scare the neighborhood kids off your lawn. No one wants youths hanging around.

Courtney: I've never had a sister before. Sure, Michael is always trying to kill his but that's just family, man.

Cher: TBH, Michael Myers kinnnnndaaa looks like he’s wearing a Patrick Warburton mask.

Courtney: It's a Shatner mask, which means we have shared interests!

Rebecca: If you're schtupping Michael Myers, you're BASICALLY schtupping killer William Shatner and... IDK, man.

Courtney: I'm not shtupping Myers. He and I have an understanding. He looms, I get it elsewhere.

Rebecca: Freddy can don the knife gloves and chop up some vegetables for a nice salad.

Cher: Freddy could Edward Scissorhands the neighbor’s bushes.

Rebecca: I will say, Freddy has better taste in clothes. I'd wear that sweater. Michael Myers is in, what, some bullshit jumpsuit? I can't borrow that. It's hideous.

Cher: I’d so wear that sweater. It’s peak 90s grunge, which as we all know is my aesthetic. Also, how come there’s never been an Edward Scissorhands/Freddy Krueger shared universe theory?

Courtney: One of the rare men who makes a fedora work for him.

Rebecca: Freddy has style and grace. He's Miss United States. Marry Freddy, frak Michael, kill Jason. I don't really WANT to frak Michael, but it is what it is. Gotta choose someone.

Courtney: 'Tis the season, I guess.

Rebecca: Go camping. Use those claws to roast some ‘mallows. Eat some s’mores.

Cher: Also, Freddy killed Johnny Depp and I feel like we vastly underestimate his sense of character.

Rebecca: [You’d] probably get attacked by a murderer but Freddy would DEFEND you. SOLD.

Cher: Like maybe all the people he killed were going to be assholes as adults?

Carly: Freddy takes on Jason! He'd probably protect you too if Jason showed up.

Cher: TRUTH.

Courtney: I'm really coming around on marrying Freddy versus just having him as a sexy sidepiece.

Cher: Team Freddy.

Rebecca: Imagine all the cheesy, dream-themed Valentine's day cards. Your wedding hashtag would be #DreamTeam.

Cher: OMG ONLY IN MY DREAMS BY DEBBIE GIBSON COULD BE THE WEDDING SONG.

Rebecca: Guys, I am really feeling this.

Carly: I just don't want to frak anyone else so Michael and I would be married but sleep in separate beds. And then Freddy would visit me in my dreams. :wink: :wink: :wink:

Rebecca: Eyyyyyyy.

Cher: I’m weirdly interested in seeing a storyboard for a imaginary wedding to Freddy Krueger now, so there’s a kink I never knew one could have.

Courtney: He's good with his tongue.

Cher: fliwheflkajhgkjghsgkj

Rebecca: What would sex with Michael even be LIKE.

Carly: Silent and mechanical, probs. He only has one speed.

Rebecca: Confession: I've only seen the first Halloween, so I'm not up on all the canon - but has he had sex? Canonically? Is Michael Myers a virgin?

Carly: Well, he doesn't have a very healthy view of sex. He murdered his OWN SISTER because she was boning in their parents' bed.

Courtney: I mean, he's basically just a telephone pole that sometimes uses his stabbing elbow.

Rebecca: Mike Myers kills people after they bone, so if you bone him does he off himself afterwards?

Courtney: In the Rob Zombie remake he has some real family issues. Like he's seen some sh*t.

Rebecca: Sex with Myers would probably be awful, but it would probably also be quick. Like... two pumps, not of the stabbing arm but of something else, ifyouknowwhatimsaying.

Cher: I think under that stoic exterior, Michael likes to party.

Courtney: I'm sticking with marrying Michael and frakking Freddy. He can reach stuff in high cabinets.

Carly: Seconded.

Cher: I’m staying with frakking Myers & marrying Freddy.

Rebecca: Frak Michael, Marry Freddy, Kill Jason.

Cher: We all agree Jason dies, though. So that’s nice.

Rebecca: Sorry, J! We all hate you.

Courtney: Just a going-off-to-work kiss. :heart:

ROUND 2: Laurie Strode, Nancy Thompson, Sydney Prescott

Cher: Kill Laurie because I barely remember her.

Courtney: OK, Laurie has literally no interest in anything physical. She's a delicate babylamb. But Sydney? Talk about mom issues.

Carly: I'm gonna say frak Sydney, marry Nancy and kill Laurie. Going off instinct.

Cher: Frak Nancy and Marry Sydney. Wasn’t Sydney a virgin?

Rebecca: I think Sydney schtupped Skeet Ulrich? Which... I can't compare.

Courtney: Sydney gave Billy her Loomis.

Rebecca: Frak Sydney, marry Laurie, kill Nancy.

Courtney: Same.

Cher: Yeah she definitely has mom issues but like, she lost it to Billy and I feel like that wouldn’t be an ideal scenario to follow in a bootycall sitch.

Rebecca: Sydney has baggage. And I don't want to deal with that. But, counterpoint: Neve Campbell.

Carly: Sydney's so fierce though and preeeetty.

Cher: Right. 90s Neve was peak Neve.

Carly: I'd vote for older Sydney though, like from Scream 4. She could still get it.

Cher: TBH Neve is still hot. I think it’s time for a Neve comeback.

Courtney: She can eternally get it. Also Noel from Felicity would be your step-brother.

Rebecca: But the person she lost it to LITERALLY tried to kill her.

Carly: Exactly! Ours would be a tender love and I would not murder her. Automatic upgrade.

Rebecca: You could follow that up with some weird yodelling kink and you'd be the preferred bootycall thereafter. "I have a weird foot fetish, but I DIDN'T TRY TO MURDER YOU" (not that I am a foot fetishist. Just to clarify.)

Courtney: I question her desire to hang around with Jamie Kennedy though. Red flag.

Rebecca: Laurie and I would take kickboxing classes together. It'd be great.

Cher: Neve dated John Cusack.

Rebecca: Yeah, but.. it was the '90s. No one made good decisions. There were bucket hats.

Courtney: In the words of Titus Andromedon, John Cusack got fat but I still would.

Rebecca: I'd rather Joan. IN ALL WAYS.

Cher: IDK I hear he’s a pill and a half. And like, not the fun kind of pill.

Rebecca: Just like a pill in the P!nk sense.

Courtney: Oh yeah FER DEFINITE but you never forget your first true love and that Dobbler sh*t worked on me. I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN MY LIFE TO YOU CLOWNS.

Cher: Lloyd Dobbler ruined men for me. THANKS CAMERON CROWE.

Rebecca: Grosse Point Blank Cusack, though...... WE ARE GETTING SO SIDETRACKED

Carly: I kinda like High Fidelity Cusack, even though he's a dick.

Rebecca: F Sidney, M Laurie, K Nancy.

Courtney: ANYWAY frak Sydney, marry Laurie, kill Nancy, all of the above John Cusack.

Cher: Frak Nancy, Marry Sydney, Kill Laurie.

Cher: Also, Joan is an underappreciated GEM and f**k you Hollywood for never noticing.

Carly: I love her so much, she is everything in Addams Family Values.

Rebecca: But Debbie........ PASTELS?

Courtney: I USED TO LIVE DOWN THE STREET FROM HER

Rebecca: Whaatttt Courtney, did you ever see her???

Cher: COURTNEY TELL US EVERYTHING

Courtney: A few times--her kids went to a fancy school nearby and I saw her at a v. small Italian restaurant across from my apartment and that's it that's my whole story. We smiled at each other a couple times. Tiny smiles. Like normal chill people.

Cher: You guys were practically BFFs.

Rebecca: You're not allowed to edit any of this out, Cher.

Cher: As if I would.

Courtney: PEOPLE MUST KNOW THAT I'M BASICALLY IN THE CUSACK FAMILY

ROUND 3: The Babadook, Pennywise, Jigsaw

Cher: We all know where Rebecca’s heart lies.

Carly: Jigsaw dies IMMEDIATELY.

Rebecca: My heart, but not my other regions.

Courtney: OK QUERY: when y'all say Jigsaw, do you mean the guy or are we talking the puppet? I do have different answers for both.

Rebecca: ......would you frak the puppet

Cher: The Babadook kinda looks like how I imagine Johnny Depp sees himself in the mirror, so there’s that.

Rebecca: Frak the Babadook, Marry Pennywise, Kill Jigsaw. Because Pennywise only pops up for a few weeks once every 27 years, and tbh that's ideal in a husband.

Carly: My argument is that Pennywise could appear as other things too, so there's that option. He can shapeshift into something more pleasing.

Cher: Well, is this Tim Curry Pennywise or Skarsgard?

Rebecca: And a combo of sharp teeth + drool means I want that nowhere NEAR my nethers.

Courtney: The Babadook has a love of reading which is really important to me.

Rebecca: The Babadook likes old movies. We could frak and then have a nice cuddle afterwards.

Cher: Kill Jigsaw because hell no to the puppet thing. So schtoop Babadook.

Carly: He does like to get you when you're in bed. His idea of dirty talk is weird though.

Courtney: I just had a very clear image of him saying "Ba ba DOOK DOOK DOOK DOOK DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKaaahhhhh" during climax.

Rebecca: ......you don't do that? Those aren't your sex noises? I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

Rebecca: If you frak Pennywise, he might shapeshift into something pleasing, but you risk him breaking out the goat eyes mid-coitus and that's a bonerkiller.

Cher: Guys, the more I look at pics, the more I’m really convinced The Babadook is Jack White. Like, will he sing to me? Because that goes a long way.

Rebecca: He would, too. Just to mess with you

Carly: I'd also say frak the Babadook, marry Pennywise, kill Jigsaw.

Rebecca: Down for some BABANOOKIE. Kill Jigsaw, he seems clingy and I ain’t frakking a puppet.

Carly: I don't want to deal with those traps either. His idea of fun is Not Fun.

Courtney: This is some Frankenstein's monster sh*t but Jigsaw is the guy and the puppet's name is Billy and I love a good Rube Goldberg machine so I'll marry Jigsaw, frak that Dook and kill Pennywise.

Cher: I’m here for Flamboyantly Gay Babadook. There’s a whole fanshipping of Pennywise & Babadook as a gay couple and I’m 100% here for it.

Courtney: I love their beautiful love.

Carly: #babawise? #pennydook?

Cher: #Pennydook for sure.

Courtney: Pennywise calls him "dookie" as a little sweet nickname. They wear sweaters made of children's hair.

Rebecca: In their tearful wedding vows: "I did it all for the 'dookie.”

Cher: They probably throw the BEST dinner parties.

Rebecca: The Babadook can reach things on tall shelves.

Courtney: They released balloons at the wedding instead of birdseed or bubbles. And then all the attendees were covered in blood as the balloons burst, you guys, it was so romantic.

Rebecca: Jigsaw is a drama queen with bad hair.

ROUND 4: Billy Loomis, Jonathan Harker, Oliver Pike

Rebecca: Kill Jonathan from Dracula, on the basis of that accent alone. Also apologies to Keanu, but he's a major wet blanket. If I can't listen to someone talk without wanting to burst out laughing, that's not the foundation of a healthy relationship--romantic OR sexual.

Cher: Dracula wasn’t a career highlight for Keanu. Listen… I know Billy is THE WORST, but he was SO F*CKING HOT IN SCREAM.

Courtney: I mean I'm full-stop frakking the frak out of Billy.

Rebecca: Same. And marry Luke Perry in Buffy, because he was a stand-up gentleman and you'd get to frak him a LOT.

Cher: I'mma make Billy Loomis scream.

Rebecca: Billy is one and done him.

Courtney: I *am* going to offer him some dry shampoo though because his hair is very oily and it's just like A LOT.

Rebecca: Luke Perry is there for life. (Or at least until the reboot LOL)

Cher: TBH, Luke never did it for me but I kinda loved him in Buffy.

Courtney: Once you go Luke you never go Babadook.

Carly: Frak Billy, marry Pike, kill Jonathan.

Rebecca: He was sexy in Buffy, but also NICE. He was a chill, supportive dude who was also bangin'.

Cher: Also I admit I partially refuse to watch the Buffy series because I genuinely liked the movie, the hot campy mess that it was.

Rebecca: He knew when to take Buffy take the lead, ie most of the time. He had the moves

Cher: He was shockingly progressive.

Courtney: Frak Billy, marry Perry, kill Jonathan BUT double marry Winona. :heart: :heart_eyes_cat:

Cher: Can I just… what made Francis Ford Coppola think Keanu could do a British accent?

Rebecca: Winona wasn't much better, though. There had to be some behind-the-scenes deal. "Gary Oldman can do THAT if you hire Wino and Keanu"

Courtney: Oh my. "However he did ask Oldman to speak seductively off camera to Frost while they were filming a scene in which she writhed alone in her bed in ecstasy. She later classified the things Oldman said to her as "very unrepeatable.""

Rebecca: Can we just.

Carly: YEP, INTO.

Rebecca: That's a good look. A kinda rockabilly thing going on.

Cher: YEAH I’M SO DOWN WITH ALL OF IT. And I appreciate that he lost the Caesar and soul patch as part of his glow up in the movie.

Courtney: One hundred percent can get.

Rebecca: Even though Pike's not a name, it's a fish. Yeah, let's just ignore this follicular situation. He cleans up nice. He doesn't have an ego, but he still has some pizzazz to him. He doesn't have a stupid British accent.

Cher: And he has a motorcycle, right?

Carly: He DOES.

Rebecca: Damn straight, he had a motorcycle.

Cher: Also is that NOT the best movie poster? HE HIDES BEHIND HIS GIRLFRIEND.

Courtney: YEAH. He is hiding and he is NERVOUS and she is BALLER.

Cher: Picture yourself on top of him.

Courtney: Already done.

Rebecca: I'd let him STAKE me any day.

Cher: HEY OHHH.

Rebecca: The Buffy movie is goddamned amazing and Fran Rubel Kuzui does not get the respect that she deserves.

Courtney: Fran Rubel Kuzui also produced Orgazmo. And Pike could produce my Orgazmo.

Cher: Okay, so we all agree on the last round.

Rebecca: Frak the everloving life out of Skeet Ulrich, marry Luke Perry, kill faux British Keanu Reeves.

Courtney: Yes yes all these things.

Cher: Hold on, we didn’t give 90s Skeet the love he deserves.

Cher: STAB ME SKEET

Rebecca: I need to go rewatch Scream now. Why did we as a society let Johnny Depp have Skeet Ulrich's career?

Cher: Girl, we didn’t know.

Carly: UGH I KNOW, RIGHT?????

Cher: Listen… YES JD IS AWFUL but it doesn’t erase that he was gorge.

Rebecca: VIVA LUKE PERRY

Courtney: VIVA SKEET

Courtney: He's just gonna crawl toward us real quick before we go.