Frak, Marry, Kill: Outlander Edition

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Ciera Carhart
Sep 17, 2017

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have a minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course, you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a post about all the movies that would be better with just a little more Thor in them. For everyone else, game on!

There's a brand new season of Outlander airing on Starz these days. With Claire and Jamie separated, at least for now, there's a pretty good chance it's gonna be a while before things get steamy in the Scottish Highlands (or wherever they are this season ...). Since we miss the hot and heavy scenes the series has become famous for, we decided to steam things up ourselves by giving our favorite (and least favorite) characters the Frak, Marry, Kill treatment.


Round One: Jamie, Frank, Roger

Ciera: Christ

Carly: This one is a little harder than I thought it would be!

Tricia: I’m not going easy on you. And neither would they. Ba dum chhh

Ciera: I’d hope not. Frak Jamie, Marry Roger, Kill Frank

Tricia: Oooo … interesting. Also same.

Ciera: Especially after this last episode I can’t take being married to frank

Carly: That IS interesting! See, I almost had more sympathy for Frank after this week. He's in a tough spot.

Ciera: Frak Jamie because, obvs. Carly, really? I mean I get that.

Carly: But when given the option of the other two, I've got to kill Frank.

Tricia: For me, this whole thing always comes down to who you would marry.

Ciera: Seriously!

Tricia: And I wouldn’t marry Jamie.

Carly: And I would marry Roger too.

Ciera: Plus you know Roger’s a good Catholic boy

Carly: He'd be devoted to you for sure.

Tricia: I don’t give a crap about his religion. Mostly I think he’s adorable and surprisingly open to the idea of time travel. And he’d really respect your mother.

Ciera: So he’s open to other things

Tricia: You know Roger is secretly excellent in bed.

Carly: I bet he's a researcher in the streets and in the sheets.

Ciera: HAHA

Carly: Like, he would learn what you wanted and then remember it for next time.

Ciera: Yea he would not forget

Carly: Jamie is pretty but a little clueless.

Tricia: He’s not gonna be quite as … animalistic …. as Jamie, but he would get you where you need to go. Jamie also has all those weird 18th-century hangups. And he’s REALLY INTENSE.

Carly: True.

Ciera: I just want him in-tents

Tricia: I’m starting to think this is just going to be a game of sex puns.

Carly: Frank would be committed to the marriage but I'm sorry, I don't need the passive-aggressive behavior.

Tricia: If Roger didn’t exist, then it would be Frank for sure.

Carly: But Roger is just so sweet and precious. And the accent.

Tricia: But Roger is basically ginger Frank without all the baggage of “my wife got sucked back in time, married another man, and came back pregnant.”

Carly: The end.

Tricia: UGH the accent.

Carly: THE. ACCENT.

Tricia: He AND Jamie could probably just talk me to completion.

Ciera: bahaha. Yea Frank is toast

Carly: (I bet they'd give good phone OKAY I'M DONE.)

Tricia: Sorry Frank. You have a nice hat, though.

Ciera: Well yea, you can bury him with that

Carly: *smiley face*

Tricia: Okay, so this was pretty easy. Ready for another? I think this one might be a little tougher.

Ciera: Yaas


Round Two: Claire, Brianna …. and Geillis

Ciera: Frak Geillis. I don’t care if she kills me

Tricia: Frak Geillis for sure.

Ciera: It’d be worth the experience

Tricia: She only seems to kill the people she marries.

Carly: Hmmmm. NOPE. Kill Geillis right off the bat.

Ciera: Kill Claire, Marry Brianna

Tricia: But the crazy ones are always the best in bed, Carly. It might not be okay to call her crazy, but I don’t know how else to describe her.

Carly: … but she does evil thiiiiings.

Tricia: IN BED

Carly: I don't want to frak crazy. Other than that it's frak Claire, marry Brianna.

Tricia: As long as you keep her distracted with various fat husbands to murder you’ll be fine. I’m Marry Claire, Kill Brianna.

Carly: Because Claire knows a lot about anatomy (wink wink)

Tricia: SORRY BREE! Right?

Carly: And Brianna is kind of headstrong but I'm more reserved so we'd complement each other.

Ciera: Yea but Brianna will have learned all she knows from her mother so she’s like Claire 2.0.

Tricia: I like how fiery Claire is. And she’s definitely into sex. I don’t know enough about Bree so I gotta go with a known quantity.

Carly: Claire would be my fling but I'd settle down with Brianna for the long haul. But maybe that's also because I've read the books too. And I like her in the books.

Tricia: Then again, Claire does have a tendency to travel in time and have multiple suitors. BUT I can work with that.

Ciera: you can?!

Tricia: Of course. You know, sometimes you need your space in a relationship.

Carly: Yeah, that's why I could have a one-off with Claire. She's probably only got eyes for Jamie. It'd be like a drunken one-night stand.

Tricia: I mean, I know she would care enough to make sure I got born. How can you argue with that?

Carly: Cause girl can DRINK.

Tricia: And she has a lot of useful skills. I think Carly just wants Bree cause she’s tall. There, I SAID IT. And I wouldn’t mind if Claire taught ME a thing or two. Why go for the student when you can have the master? Every. Night.

Carly: I meannnnn it would be a perk. Just sayin'.

Ciera: Claire is a good mother, she’d teach her daughter, that’s why I’d go for Bree. Brreee for me

Carly: Bree 4 me. You gotta close out with a rhyme.

Tricia: Alright. Round Three?

Carly: ROUND THREE

Tricia: Gird your loins, ladies. Like, seriously. Hope you’ve all got strong stomachs.

Ciera: oh Jesus H Roosevelt Christ


Round Three: Black Jack, Bonny Prince Charlie, the Duke of Sandringham

Carly: HAHA YES

Ciera: Oh god!

Tricia: ALL THE GREATEST MEN

Carly: JHRC indeed

Tricia: I mean, how can you choose?!

Carly: Wow. I don't even know who would be worse.

Tricia: I actually know who I would pick …

Ciera: I mean if it's Simon Callow, I’d marry him.

Carly: I think I'm going to go with frak Bonnie Prince, marry Duke of Sandringham and kill Black Jack.

Tricia: Oh wait, no, I don’t know. CRAP!

Ciera: I don’t think I have anything that Black Jack wants haha

Tricia: So I would probably Frak Charlie.

Carly: Because the Bonnie Prince did have that affair with Claire's friend Louise in France and he couldn't have been that insufferable if she took him as her lover.

Tricia: But I’m torn as to whether I would marry BJ

Carly: Plus he got her pregnant! Not that that's important.

Tricia: No, I think Charlie is accidentally a good lay.

Ciera: “accidentally”

Tricia: Because he’s VERY CONCERNED about being good at it.

Carly: But I'd marry Sandringham because I could just hide from him in his big house and then eventually Murtagh would kill him. And then kill BJR because I do not want him anywhere near me, nope nope nope.

Tricia: I feel like I would marry BJ because he wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

Ciera: I’d whip him to death

Carly: Yeah, but what if he decided to get all sadistic.

Tricia: Ours would be a sexless marriage and then I’d have my other lover Geillis teach me how to slowly poison him to death. And shortly after we marry he dies in battle with my other other lover Jamie.

Carly: Hahahaha. I mean, the upside to marrying BJR is that he has no shortage of enemies so one of them would probably murder him for you. And then you'd get his money.

Tricia: And even if you murdered him in public you could probably argue your way to freedom. Since literally everyone hates him.

Carly: Yep. You could argue self-defense. Justified.

Tricia: I wouldn’t want to marry Sandringham cause he would actually want to do the sex and NOPE

Carly: You think? He always seemed... not so interested in that to me.

Tricia: He is gross and creepy and he only gets more attractive when he loses his head.

Ciera: HAHA

Carly: He sort of struck me as a sexless guy, but maybe it was the wig.

Tricia: The wig is basically asexual.

Carly: Wait, Ciera did you pick yours?

Ciera: Marry Sandringham, Kill Bonnie, Frak BJR

Carly: OOOOOH. Different!

Tricia: Oh you gotta explain that one.

Carly: I like it.

Tricia: Do it while I vomit into this trash can.

Carly: I mean. The advantage BJR has is that he looks like Tobias Menzies. And Tobias Menzies with a ponytail works for me.

Tricia: FAIR POINT

Ciera: oh man lol I didn’t know it was that divisive.

Carly: I don't know what it is, but it's doing something that works.

Tricia: The downside, of course, is that he’s a sadistic rapist who likes to torture men and frak little boys. So … you know …

Ciera: right, so I would take him to the brink and blue ball him. See how he likes it. He’d probably kill me but I’d feel good about it

Tricia: So basically you want to be Jenny

Ciera: YEP

Tricia: OH! I should have used her in Round Two! But I want to both Frak AND Marry Jenny so it’s really unfair.

Carly: Well we'd all marry Jenny, right? So there you go. She gets her own round. By herself. Because Jenny is a badass.

Ciera: yea but if you marry Jenny you get to frak her for all of her days and yours

Tricia: Ciera I’m starting to worry that this is the second time you said you’d frak someone who would probably kill you. Is there … something we should know?

Ciera: I like excitement

Tricia: haha “Nothing gets me off quite like the possibility of horrible murder after a good roll in the hay! I like my one night stands homicidal and insane!”

Carly: And this is Outlander, so hay rolls happen.

Tricia: Sometimes in ACTUAL hay

Ciera: thanks, guys now I’m actually hot and bothered by thinking about this

Carly: Looks like our work here is done.

Tricia: Good game, ladies. Dream of scottsmen and bagpipes.

Ciera: All the scottsmen and their bagpipes