Frak, Marry, Kill: Star Wars edition

Contributed by
Dec 9, 2016

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have minimal sense of humor, click here. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you. 

I’m assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a cheerful list of holiday comic books that may be better suited for you. For everyone else, game on!

Since Rogue One is coming out in a matter of minutes, we felt it only made sense for us to kick off this new feature with an all Star Wars edition. For many of us geeks out there of a certain age range, some of our very first crushes were in the original trilogy, and maybe those heores and heroine had some sort of subliminal effect on our tastes in partners at some point. Maybe your affinitity for wookies led to you dating some people who were extremely fortunate in the body hair department. I'm not judging, love is love. With that, here's our first thoughtful debate of Frak, Marry, Kill. 

 

First round: Ben, Han, and Kanan.

Cher: So we’re going with young Ben aka Ewan McGregor because natch.

Rebecca: Obviously.

Tricia: Okay, I was about to ask.

Rebecca: Though that makes it harder. Ba-doom-ch.

Cher: And original trilogy Han.

Tricia: Cause that's make a big difference .Okay probably an unpopular opinion, but ... frak Ben, Marry Kanan, Kill Han.

Cher: WHOA. KILL HAN?!?! I need to know why.

Tricia: I thought it would be unpopular. It's how I roll.

Rebecca: Woooo, coming with the controversy right out of the gate! My choices: Frak Han, Marry Kanan, Kill Ben. Can we all agree that marrying Han is not an option? We know he's a bad husband. That's canon.

Cher: “That’s canon” she says. Hahaha.

Tricia : So, my reasoning is half Ewan McGregor is hot and why would I not want to hit that and Han is kinda gross, when you get right down to it.

Cher: Yeah, Han is the kind of guy that I'd think I want to date and totally fall for super fast, but only ever ends up being a gigantic regret, aka my whole adult dating life.

Rebecca: Han definitely thinks he's better in bed than he really is. But he's still not terrible, and he looks like young Harrison Ford. And that takes you a long way.

Cher: You think? I think Han would hold up in bed. That’s the problem. Like Han would be good in bed and say all the right things , but definitely do all the wrong things outside of bed. He’d be the worst.

Tricia: He's certainly good looking and I'm sure he'd be great in bed, but I feel like I'd feel gross after.

Rebecca: He may or may not remember your name after. If Chewie called him mid-way through, he'd definitely pick up. I'm up for Han (no pun intended) for a one-night stand. It's when you get long-term, with commitment, that things start being less rosy.

Cher: Oh, Han definitely isn’t remembering your name and forget ever calling you after.  But if he ran into you at some shady cantina, you’d def smash again. And he wouldn’t even call you a space uber after.

Tricia : If I'd had a few. But really I'd much rather Ben. Ben would be really respectful, but he couldn't commit because of the Jedi thing.

Rebecca: He can't even make it work with Leia, and Leia is PERFECT for him. Granted, that's not all Han's fault - they're both focused on other things, and there's the small matter of their son going evil.

Cher: Leia is too good for Han. I feel like the whole Jedi thing would make Ben a lousy lay. Keepin’ it real here.

Rebecca: She so is. I don't trust that Ben has enough experience to know WTF he's doing. For all he looks like Ewan McG.

Cher: Ben would be like Mormon sex.They do it through a hole in the sheet, right?

Tricia: I don't know, he seems like a passionate guy.

Rebecca: I have to admit that I haven't watched Clone Wars. So, while I know he had a "thing" with Sabine, I don't know the details..... is Ben a virgin?

Cher:  OMG BEN IS TOTALLY A VIRGIN.

Rebecca:  His religious order bans him from romance and sexual contact! Plus, Ben: famously bad judgment

Tricia: Okay, that's fair. But I'd still feel better about myself after sleeping with him than with Han.

Cher: Ben is too wrapped up in the Jedi thing to care about a G spot, and that’s a fact.

Rebecca: "But maybe you DID orgasm... from a certain point of view."

Tricia: HAHA

Cher: Imagine him wearing a blast shield during foreplay? “Those aren’t the balls you’re looking for."

Tricia: I'm trying to come up with some kind of joke about lightsabers, but everything sounds lame.

Rebecca : "STAY ON TARGET. STAY ON TARGET." (I'm mixing up my characters here, but I have to live my life.)

Tricia: Now we're just mixing our characters.

Rebecca: I see your schwartz is as big as mine!

Cher: I’m not mad at that.

Tricia: Cher, you never said your picks.

Cher: I think I’m with Rebecca. Frak Han, marry Kanan, and kill Ben.

Rebecca: *high five*

Cher: Because Kanan is like a mix of Ben & Han in a way, and I can get down with that. Like, he’s got some swagger. And no fraks left about anything, which is pretty boss.

Tricia: I agree there. And he's a survivor. Still doing his resistance thing even after Order 66. Takes commitment.

Cher: Truth.  And I don't know, maybe he’d throw a little force choke in once in a while to mix things up. Keep it kinky.

Rebecca: Bit of a rebel, willing to mix things up. (Ahem Ben ahem.)

Cher: Ben needs to die so he can become more powerful than anyone has imagined. So, he’s fine.

Rebecca: Perv on people while he's a Force ghost. Which YOU KNOW is something Yoda has done.

Cher : Plus, and I’m stealing this from When Harry Met Sally, you can’t have the best sex of your life with a guy named Obi Wan.  “Give it to me, Obi Wan." Doesn’t work. And Yoda is a freak.

Rebecca: Absolutely, 100%. He gets down 24/7 and just tells the other Jedi they can't to mess with them. He's a jolly green troll.

Cher : Yoda’s like the Borgia pope of the Jedis. He has little bastard Yodas running around and mistresses on the side of his mistresses.

Tricia: You know Yoda's got girls all over the galaxy. Who needs it to be the best sex of your life? Just looking for something to scratch an itch, and not give me any weird space STDs.

Rebecca: Jabba would give you all the weird space STDs. ALL of them.

Cher: Everyone needs the best sex of their life. But you don’t marry the best sex, you marry really good sex.

Tricia: Yes, AT SOME POINT you need the best sex of your life. I'm just saying do you need it to be THIS sex?

Cher: Best sex = problematic in the long-term relationship realm. Trust.

Tricia:  Are we saying these are our only options for our entire lives?

Cher: Yes...until the next round.

Rebecca: I feel like neither Han, Ben, nor Kanan would give you the best sex. Leia might.

Tricia: Right, that's what I was thinking.

Cher: Leia defintely would.

Tricia: Leia over all of these idiots.

Rebecca: Lay-yah. It's in the name.

Cher: Leia is running things right out the gate.

Rebecca: I feel like the women in the GFFA are just going to be better than their male counterparts. Leia, Phasma, Mon Mothma. I can see it.

Tricia: Oh ,definitely.

Cher: Yeah, the women in Star Wars are so much better than their options. Kinda like real life. Ok next round, ready?

 

Round 2:  Kylo Ren, Anakin Skywalker, and Galen Marek.

 

Cher: We’re going with pre- Vader Anakin, obvi. Not toddler Ani because that’s super illegal and super gross.

Tricia: Okay ... Frak Kylo, Kill Anakin, Marry Galen.

Rebecca: Frak Kylo, Marry Galen, Kill Anakin. Twinsies!

Tricia: I just couldn't stand Anakin's whining. And his weird thing about sand.  "It's coarse." I KNOW! IT'S MADE OF TINY ROCKS!

Cher: Anakin is SO annoying.

Rebecca: It GETS EVERYWHERE.  "I don't like sand!" "STFU, Ani, we're on a beach vacation with the kids!" No. We know marriage doesn't work out for him. He's whiny. He has a rat's tail. No all around.

Tricia: The rat's tail is the real dealbreaker. Go sit inside and play with the force.

Rebecca: I feel like Kylo wouldn't be an AMAZING lay, but he has some pent-up passion that, if channeled properly, could give you a good time.

Tricia: Plus, you can't marry Kylo. He's unhinged.

Rebecca: Yeah, Kylo's too immature for marriage. Plus, he grew up with the Rebellion, right? He has to have some experience. Unlike Ani, who runs into the whole Jedi-are-discouraged-from-tonsil-hockey thing that drags Ben down, too.

Cher: See here’s the thing: none of them are marriage material.

Tricia: No, but at least Galen is committed to a cause. His cause is killing, but still. He's got passion.

Cher: I’d frak Galen, marry Kylo, and kill Anakin.

Rebecca: You'd constantly have to be mothering Kylo, talking him down from one of his rages. I'm not about that. So marry Galen just by default.

Cher: I’d marry Kylo just so Leia could be my MIL.

Rebecca: That's a compelling argument.

Tricia:Yeah, but you'd never see her.

Cher: Yeah I would. We’d have an estranged marriage. I’d join the rebellion.

Tricia: If you had an estranged marriage, sure, I guess.

Rebecca: But Thanksgivings with the in-laws are gonna be REAL weird after TFA.

Tricia: But you know that the rebellion would use your relationship, and you'd end up having to infiltrate the first order.

Rebecca: You just write each other postcards on birthdays and anniversaries. It's fine. I feel like Kylo would make an effort to give you good anniversary presents, but he'd screw it up. Like when your cat gives you a dead mouse. Thinks it's a great gift. But no!

Tricia: Galen would give you your worst enemy's head.

Cher : Maybe I’d stick around long enough to let him knock me up so I can have a force kid with a great head of hair. But once I saw he was bonkers, I’d bounce while preggers and go find refuge with Leia et al.

Tricia: But the kids in that family have really big issues. Great hair, lots of emotional baggage.

Rebecca: Leia's bloodline does have some great follicular magic. I know SW is a Skywalker family saga and all, but seriously, if you marry Kylo Ren, just get your tubes tied. Cut the line off. Nothing ever good comes of Skywalker spawn.

Cher : We don’t know that. Rey may be a Skywalker. I feel like Kylo would make you a mixtape full of The Cure and Morrissey and early Depeche Mode, but none of the songs that were actually romantic.

Tricia: I'd be cool with that. But then I was a high school emo/goth wannabe

Rebecca: Kylo takes you to watch The Crow on your first date.

Cher: Kylo dresses as The Crow every Halloween.

Rebecca: He does! And that sort of stuff is endearing... when you're a teenager.

Cher: Is it though?

Rebecca: Well, for certain values of endearing. The REAL reason Kylo Ren is upset by the destruction of Starkiller Base is that all his Hot Topic clothes went up in flames.

Tricia: And there isn't another one for like 2 systems. Again, I'd take Rey over almost any dude in that movie

Cher: Galen just seems like at some point he’d be so EXTRA that I wouldn’t be able to deal with him. So he needs to stay in the bang zone. And also lose my number immediately after. 

Tricia: I could see Galen becoming a lot to deal with. Because he just wants to be a Sith Lord, dammit!

Cher: Galen seems like he would act like he was super interested in you at first, but then EVERYTHING was actually about him. He’s a narcissist. I can tell. 

Tricia: But he has a stable job, at least.

Rebecca: Like Ben/Han/Kanan, none of them make great husband material.

Tricia: I still think Kanan could be a good husband.

Rebecca: It's not like the Star Wars universe has an abundance of stable, long-term relationships. I guess it was only natural Disney would buy them. Perfect fit. 

Cher: Seriously why are all these guys awful? And why are all the parents pretty horrible, too?

Tricia: Because they're male power fantasies

Rebecca: Oop, there it is.

Cher: Tricia with the tea.

 

Round 3: Palpatine, Snoke, and Jabba.

Tricia: Hang on, I need my barf bag

Cher: I love this because it’s SO awful.

Tricia: I'll let you know when I stop puking.

Rebecca: KILL JABBA.Did anyone NOT say kill Jabba?

Tricia: I'm considering it

Cher : Ok, I’ll start. Frak Snoke, marry Jabba, kill Palpatine.

Rebecca: Frak Palpy, marry Snoke, kill Jabba

Tricia: Frak Palpatine, Marry Jabba, Kill Snoke

Cher: You’d both do the nasty with Palpatine,so...that’s gross. There’s literally no good version of him.

Tricia: Okay, first of all I call Snoke Darth Fetus, so I just can't imagine fraking him.

Rebecca: Look, I don't WANT to schtup Palpatine. It all comes down, for me, to whether Palpatine and Snoke is the better husband. And I feel like Snoke would be, if by virtue of the fact that he would leave me the hell alone most of the time. Kill Jabba because I want to join the ranks of Leia and become Rebecca the Huttslayer.  I'm off on my homeworld, doing my old thing, and he holograms in every few weeks or so to see how things are doing. It's not the best situation, but I can deal. I feel like Palpatine would be more (blech) hands-on.

Tricia: I had the same argument about Jabba/Palpatine. And I'd marry Jabba because it could be a loveless marriage, but I'd be well taken care of.

Cher: See, I think that Jabba would be the better marriage because 1- he wouldn’t want to have sex with you and 2- he dies and you get all his money.

Tricia: Exactly. Jabba is a retirement plan.

Rebecca: Jabba's a perv! He would TOTALLY want to have sex with you.Or he'd want you to ...... do things.

Tricia: He probably gets off on choking, so you just do it til he passes out and then convince him you did WAY more.

Rebecca: That's fair.

Cher: As for Snoke, we don’t know who he initially was, so he could have been a hot jedi before turning to the Dark Side. So, that version of him could be bangable.

Rebecca: I can't imagine a situation in which frakking Palpatine would be good, but I am NOT marrying him. I will NOT marry a man  named Sheev. I would not respect him and I would not respect myself.

Cher: Also, I have a theory that Snoke is Ezra from Rebels. And Palpatine is just THE WORST, so he can die ASAP.  Snoke is so decrepit looking that 10 bucks he’s impotent.

Tricia: I don't think you're alone there. But I'm operating under the assumption that whoever you pick you have to do that think to the version we know. You can't choose to frak Snoke before he's Snoke

Cher: Why not?

Tricia: Like, hang on, let me get in my time machine because I only want to screw the hot version.

Rebecca: Which Palpatine are we talking? Palpatine or Sidious?

Cher: Any version.They’re all awful.

Rebecca: Yeah, there's no winner here. And you're taking a serious gamble with the Force lightning.

Tricia: Any of them are pretty awful.It's just varying levels of wrinkles.

Rebecca: Sidious at least doesn't look like cottage cheese.

Cher: He doesn’t look better than cottage cheese, though. At his best he legit looks like Mr Burns.

Tricia: What is it about the Dark Side that turns these dudes into moldy bread?

Cher: It’s all that negative energy. It makes them age horribly.  But I feel like Kylo redeems himself. Then we can raise our baby.

Tricia: Kylo has a very strict pre-bedtime moisturizing routine.

Cher: He definitely does.

Rebecca: Yeah, we're gonna get a Vader situation re: redemption.

Cher: But Kylo won’t go full Vader.

Rebecca: Kylo Ren has very strong opinions on leave-in conditioners. Agreed, Cher. Just in terms of redemption? So... reverse Vader? Reverse Anakin? Something. I'm hungry. I need a snack.

Cher: I have serious Kylo hair envy, and it may cause more issues in our marriage than the whole Dark Side thing.

Tricia: He also has a large collection of black nail polish and eyeliner.

Rebecca: Kylo Ren manscapes, right?

Cher: I bet out of all of them, Kylo’s the best kempt down there.

Tricia: He also has a very meaningful tattoo on his shoulder.

Rebecca: Anakin has a tramp stamp. "Padme + Ani 4ever"

Cher: And is probably the best in bed because he has the goods that everyone assumes his dad has. But Han falls just short. Like Han is decent, but Kylo is legit porn star. It’s always the tall, scrawny guys that you’d never expect it from.

Rebecca: Agreed. Of the people we've discussed, he's the best. He grew up around Poe. Some of that sexxxual magic bleeds over.

Cher: He prob has an anaconda under that Sith robe.

Rebecca: I believe it.

Cher: Poe is def the only good man in the galaxy. That’s why he wasn’t a choice. Because he’s the only choice.

Rebecca: I feel like Lando would be OK. He’d be like Han, in that he wouldn't remember your name and wouldn't call you--but still good. Better than Han, even, I'd say.

Tricia: Lando would say "you're welcome" afterwards

Rebecca: Can he SING it, Moana-style. It's Disney! It's all #synergy!

Cher: I feel like Lando would be like Larry from Three’s Company. ( full disclosure, I recycled my own joke from a piece I wrote over a year ago. :x) Lando is sending you home with a gift basket like Derek Jeter...and maybe a little STD.

Rebecca: LOL. But look at how he works that cape. Man has moves.

Cher: No way.

Tricia: Han and Lando have all the same Space STDs.

Rebecca: Are you implying that Han, Lando, and Chewie have had threesomes?

Tricia: Take of it what you will.

Cher: Lando definitey isn’t smashing the same chicks as Han and if he did, it was his sloppy seconds.

Tricia: I'm not disagreeing on that point.

Cher: Although, Han seems like the type to conveniently forget a condom.

Tricia: "Conveniently".

Rebecca: And Chewie, ever-considerate, carries them around for him. In his bandolier. One of those little pouches.

Tricia: That's the only thing in it.

Cher: Chewie is married and doesn’t cheat.

Rebecca: No, he carries them around for Han. Because he is married and has respect for women. Chewie's a gentleman.

Tricia: He's got three kids and a nice house back on his planet. You think Han has little Solos running around in the galaxy?

Cher:  OH TOTALLY.

Rebecca: Chewie’s that roommate who makes awkward eye contact at Han's one-night stands as they leave the Falcon. But he always smiles at them and sometimes makes them eggs and toast. While Han sleeps in.

Tricia: Was just about to say he makes them pancakes.

Cher: Chewie becomes friends with all Han’s one nighters.

Rebecca: Han finds him texting one of them one day and gets really confused.

Tricia: “We were trading recipes!”

Rebecca: "Oh, that's Megan! She's married with two kids now, going for her phD in molecular biology!"

Cher: Han sees that they’re Facebook friends and gets pissed.

Tricia: Chewie sends them all Christmas cards.

Rebecca: They belong to a Facebook group where they trade recipes.

Cher: Chewie is doing Secret Santa with them. And gets invited to their weddings.

Rebecca:They're thinking about starting a book club.

Tricia:Han gets insulted when he won't bring him as his plus one.

Rebecca: Is Chewie the one who reaches out to all of them when Han dies? S**t, I just made it sad.

Cher : That got...dark. I think we’ve officially moved past the FMK portion of the convo.

Tricia: Yeah, probably.

Rebecca: We've milked the sex for all it's worth. Ba-doom-ch.

Tricia: And with that ...

Cher: GOOD TALK!

Rebecca: It's been real!

 

......real weird.