Frak, Marry, Kill: X-Men Edition

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Mar 22, 2017

Warning! The following contains adult themes being discussed in a borderline adult, yet mostly immature, manner. If you are weird about sex, girls talking about sex, or just have minimal sense of humor, turn away now. Otherwise, don't say we didn't warn you.

I'm assuming everyone is familiar with Frak, Marry, Kill, right? Of course you are. So, since most of us have probably played it at least once in our lifetimes, there's really no need to explain things. However, let it be said that if you saw the title of this piece and found yourself feeling even the slightest tinge of outrage, then it's probably better for everyone that you stop reading now. In fact, here's a here's a ranking of Disney villain songs for you to check out. For everyone else, game on!

Unless you've been living under a rock, you know that Logan came out and it's said to be Hugh Jackman's swan song as Wolverine. Since we allegedly won't get to see Hugh Super Jacked-man slicing up baddies and working out his issues on the big screen anymore, and that the fate -- and timeline -- of the X-Men franchise is unknown, it only made sense that we give our favorite mutants from the films the FMK treatment. We stuck to the movies because we would literally be here until forever if we tried this with the comics, and unlike Wolverine, the rest of us age at a normal speed and would probably be dead before we got to all of them.

 

Round 1: Storm, Jean, Rogue

Tricia: Frak Storm, Marry Jean, Kill Rogue.

Rebecca : Same!

Tricia: Of course, we're going with the movies, so Jean might eventually rip me into atomic particles.

Rebecca: Obviously you kill Rogue. You have to kill Rogue. It's a matter of logistics.

Tricia: Obviously. Unless you're Bobby and can ice over your lips or whatever.

Rebecca : Apologies to Anna Paquin, but anyone who doesn't say kill Rogue has a death wish.

Cher: I agree kill Rogue and it's really one reason:

Rogue eating literally makes me LIVID every time I see the movie. I wanna punch her in the throat, it's so annoying.

Tricia: You'd have to wear gloves while punching Rogue, Cher.

Cher: That's fine.

Rebecca: Worth it.

Rebecca: Frak Storm because OH MY GOD, YES. Marry Jean because, I dunno man, she puts up with a lot of shenanigans from the Cyclops/Wolverine love triangle/pissing match.

Tricia: I can just imagine Storm kicking up a literal tornado or a thunderstorm in the bedroom.

Rebecca: Seems like she'd be a good person to make a life with. Up to the point when she kills you.

Tricia: And I agree about Jean. She's very stable up until the point where she's really really not.

Cher: I'm so mad about the Rogue eating scene right now that I can't even think.

Rebecca: And this is the X-Franchise. A certain level of risk is going to be involved with a lot of these characters.

Tricia: That's fair.

Cher: Right. I think I'd frak Jean, marry Storm.

Rebecca: "Jean, honey, could you get down that bowl from the top shelf?" BAM, telekinesis.

Tricia: See, for me it's Jean 'cause I like the smart chicks. Not that Storm isn't smart.

Cher: Storm is more dependable. Charles trusts her to run the school and the X-Men. You need that stability in a marriage.

Rebecca: That's true. Jean’s a lot more volatile than Storm. But ... Storm, man.

Tricia: But Jean is like a doctor and shit.

Cher: Jean -- frak, especially bc when she's Phoniex, she's a wild card and I dig that. Jean is insatiable when she's lost her shit.

Tricia: She'd either frak you or rip you to pieces with her mind. Or both.

Rebecca: She'll rip your clothing, but not any of the cloth around your junk. She's very careful about that.

Cher : Right. Like she's wild but she still respects your boundaries as far as keeping you all covered up.

Rebecca: Can I get with Storm and Jean in a polyamorous marriage? Because you're making a lot of sense and now I'm indecisive. Black Panther could come over. It'd be chill. We'd have to turn him away at the door because we don't have the rights, though.

Tricia: Uh oh, now we're crossing Marvel/Disney/Fox lines.

Cher: You may be onto something.

Tricia: Jean might be into that. I don't know about Storm.

Cher: That would be like the ultimate power marriage. Storm in the movies is when she has her sh** together, but wasn't she a bit reckless in the comics? Like Storm has a past, and chicks with a past that finally get it together and grow up still have that crazy in them. Trust me, I know my own kind.

Rebecca: I'm sticking with F Storm and M Jean Grey. Specifically the movie versions. Because IDK if I can live with Halle Berry's atrocious accent and quips like that "you know what happens to a frog when it's hit by lighting" line.

Tricia: Same.

Cher: I'm Frak Jean, Marry Storm and punch Rogue in the throat.

Tricia: That line was FINE. The editing was crap. He was supposed to get struck by lightning BEFORE she delivers the next part and they did it backwards. Also, pretty sure Joss wrote that line, but I'm getting off topic.

Cher: Yeah that was ... atrocious. I think we need to blame whoever wrote that specific line.

Rebecca: IT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE. Storm seems like she'd have enough control that she wouldn't electrocute you during sex. Which is important. I don't trust Jean not to accidentally kill me.

Cher: IDK I kinda want her to electrocute me a little bit. That would be kinky.

Tricia: I feel like there would be a lightning storm happening all around you while you're in bed. But you wouldn't get hit.

Cher: You could have a sex scene in the rain like an '80s movie literally whenever bc she's Storm. And rain/thunderstorms are kinda an aphrodisiac. Or is that just me? Did I just share too much?

Tricia: Oh, you are not alone.

Rebecca : Live your best life, Cher!

 

Round 2 : Professor X, Magneto, Mystique

Cher: K - let's go young versions.

Tricia: Okay, this is tough for me, because I don't want to marry any of them, really.

Rebecca : Frak Mystique. It's just as obvious as killing Rogue. If you have the opportunity to frak Mystique, you don't pass that shit up.

Tricia: That is a fair point.

Rebecca: Yeah, Magneto and Mystique are unstable and violent and Professor X is a dick.

Cher: OK but young Magneto and young Charles can both get it. Especially Charles bc James McAvoy FTW.

Rebecca: I think I'd marry X, because at least he's a rich dick and I could have my own wing of the X-Mansion.

Tricia: And Magneto's family gets all murdered because of the patriarchy.

Cher: Well, that's not why they get murdered. But OK.

Rebecca: They can both get it, but McAvoy! Professor X is a massive tool. Oh God, do I want to be married to someone who could read my mind, though? That's a nightmare.

Cher: I think my love for McAvoy makes me say marry X. But the mindreading bs is a good point. There would need to be something in the prenup about that. Like if he mind reads, I get half his shit and the mansion and he has to bounce.

Tricia : I feel like I would marry X, but it's like 70% because he's McAvoy. But X is a broody control freak and Magneto is just unstable.

Cher: Especially this version of McAvoy. Gimme '70s Prof X all day, every day.

Rebecca: I'm gonna say marry Magneto, because at least he'd leave me alone. And you know from Apocalypse that he CAN be a good husband, up until the point where he gets you killed (but that was BS anyway). Frak Mystique, Marry Magneto, Kill Professor X

Cher: Sh**, Rebecca, good call.

Tricia: But that's what I'm saying about Magneto. Like, he's a great husband until you get murdered because they need to make him evil again. We're in a comic book property, I'm not taking those risks.

Rebecca: That's a risk I'll take. Pretty much everyone Professor X knows is murdered eventually, too. It's an unsafe property all around.

Cher: Besides being "dead" in comic books is only temporary Also, Fassy is allegedly ... pretty blessed ... so that wouldn't suck to be married to.

Tricia: The only one I'm completely sure about is fraking Mystique.

Rebecca: Apologies to McAvoy and his pretty, pretty face, but no. I cannot be married to a mind-reader. A mind-reader with boundary issues, no less.

Tricia: Just wear a stylish version of Magneto's helmet

Cher: If it's '70s X and he doesn't have his powers, though?

Rebecca: He'd be weirdly paternal towards you, always trying to improve you and teach you things. No thanks.

Tricia: But X without his powers is mopey.

Rebecca: He's a whiny little sh** is what he is. With a superiority complex. McAvoy Prof X, at least.

Cher: Yeah and an addict. And a mansplaining one, at that.

Tricia: I still haven't forgiven X for locking Phoenix away and not telling Jean. That wasn't McAvoy though.

Rebecca: I'd rather marry Sir Patrick X than McAvoy X. He is not an option in this FMK, but I am just putting that out there.

Cher: But that's the thing, McAvoy eventually becomes PStew, so it might be worth it in the long run.

Tricia: You'd have to set some boundaries with the mind reading.

Rebecca: That's the thing, you could set boundaries, but I'm not convinced, given his behavior history, that he'd follow them. I need some space. Fassbender becomes McKellen, though! And that's far from bad. I'd frak McAvoy X just to see what the whole mind-reading thing is like in bed, but I wouldn't choose him over Mystique.

Cher: OK I think ... Marry X, Frak Magneto bc that mofo has swagger like a boss and he knows it, and kill Mystique. This is legit harder than I meant for my brain to be working today.

Rebecca: But Mystique can bodyswap into McAvoy or Fassbender, Cher! SHE CAN BODYSWAP INTO ANYONE.

Cher: OMG YES. Marry Mystique. Done. Now IDK who to kill, though.

Tricia: Oh, I just remembered that they completely erases Moira's memory in First Class. Which was ... not cool.

Rebecca : FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN HE IS A DICK.

Tricia: Like I said at the beginning, I don't want to marry any of them.

Rebecca: The X-Men franchise is not exactly bursting to the seams with emotionally healthy individuals.

Cher: Let's be real -- no super is emotionally healthy.

Tricia: No, they're not. It's all about who is less likely to go on a murder spree.

Cher: Okay, marry Mystique bc she can literally turn into anyone else I want and that would keep things spicy. Frak Magneto and kill X. OMG I just made myself so sad. I love you, James McAvoy. But you are kinda a dick.

Tricia: So, I think I'm gonna stick with Marry X, Kill Magneto, Frak Mystique

 

Round 3: Cyclops, Iceman, Wolverine

Rebecca: Kill Wolverine. He's too broody. No to that at the altar and no to that near my nethers. (Kill Wolverine such that you CAN kill Wolverine, I mean.)

Tricia: Marry Iceman, Frak Wolverine, Kill Cyclops.

Cher: Marry Wolverine and X-23 will be my daughter.

Rebecca: Frak Cyclops because he's James Marsden and I don't even care, that's all I need.

Cher: Cosign. And peace out, Bobby.

Tricia: Cyclops is so jealous, though.

Rebecca: I wouldn't want to marry him.

Cher: Yeah that's why you can't be in a relationship with Cyclops.

Rebecca: Because he is, like X, kind of a dick.

Tricia: And kinda whiny.

Cher: And kinda a clinger.

Rebecca: But I'd be up for a roll in the sack. Iceman seems pretty emotionally stable, all things considered?

Tricia: Exactly. Plus, I have a thing for Ashmores.

Rebecca: At least compared to the people we've talked about so far.

Cher: Right. Plus James Mardsen is super hot and it's about time he's getting more famous from Westworld.

Rebecca : I don't have particularly strong feelings about Bobby either way, but I'd be fine marrying him.

Cher: He's way too vanilla for me. Bobby definitely was the treasurer of a fraternity and I have no patience for that type.

Rebecca: So frak Cyclops, marry Iceman, kill Wolverine.

Tricia: Animorphs was a seminal time for me as a kid, so I've had a crush on Iceman for YEARS.

Cher: Frak Cyclops, Marry Wolverine and have a litter of X-23s, kill Iceman.

Rebecca: Wolverine doesn't seem like he knows how to have fun? Remotely? At all? It's all brooding and cleaning out wounds in the sink.

Cher: Not true. He has issues. And he's got a dry sense of humor, which I'm into.

Rebecca: And I am not about that life, neither short- nor long-term. He doesn't seem like he'd respect your needs unless you're Jean Grey. I can't see him being a particularly attentive lover. (I'm sure he'd RESPECT them. Poor word choice. But he wouldn't go out of his way to please you.)

Cher: I'd be willing to find out.

Tricia: I just don't feel like he'd need to go out of his way.

Cher: I think he's one of those guys that would be surprisingly more attentive than you'd think.

Rebecca: Eh. Still too angsty for me. It's a pass.

Cher: Whereas Cyclops might not be the best. Cyclops might like ... idk ... finish too soon and then cry about it. He also strikes me as the type to have a more rigorous nighttime skincare regimen than I do and that's not sexy. This would need to be strictly a bang-sans-hang situation.

Rebecca: That's … fair.

Tricia: Iceman, meanwhile, would be all about you. He's so nice to all the girls he dates.

Cher: IDK man. I don't want a popsicle penetrating me.

Rebecca : I'll get him to do some of his Corky Collins moves, though.

Cher:

o

m

g

Rebecca: Dem hips.

"I don't want a popsicle penetrating me." Cher that is a VERY good rule of thumb

Cher: Cyclops would prob try really really hard bc he'd be mad jelly of Logan. Although, I would be a little concerned if he opened his eyes in the middle of a certain ... task ... and then burn a hole thru my ovaries.

Rebecca : Yeeeeah, how does he go down with the visor? That seems awkward. Did he have this awkward moment where he went to Beast and ask if it was possible to do contact lenses because of ... reasons. And Beast couldn't meet his eyes for a month.

Cher: I mean, it's a valid Q and Beast should stop being such a prude.

Tricia: I'm just saying, Iceman is romantic. I feel like I'm alone in my appreciate of Bobby.

Rebecca: I can't see him making a ton of effort, but I know he'd be a GARBAGE husband and I know I want to kill Wolverine, so frak is where he ends up. Which I am OK with, because James Marsden.

Rebecca: Contact lenses are preferable anyway. Or else you're wearing your sunglasses at night like that song.

Cher : Yeah then he'd be THAT GUY, and no one wants to bang THAT GUY.

Tricia: How DOES Cyclops sleep?

Cher: With his eyes closed. Duh.

Rebecca: But sleeping with that visor on can't be comfortable.

Tricia: Right? And the glasses would fall off.

Rebecca: How does he see 3D movies? What happens at the DMV?

Tricia: You know X forges paperwork for him.

Cher: Cyclops is missing out on so much in life. Someone should start a Kickstarter to make special 3D glasses for him. And contacts for her pleasure. And special sleeping shades.

Rebecca: The ones with the eyelashes embroidered on?

Cher: That's the only kind. But like, with one eye winking. BC he's sleeping ... or is he?

Rebecca : How much do you want to bet SOMEONE has given those to Cyclops as a gag gift?

Tricia: They'd have to be adhered to his head somehow so they don't slip off while he's sleeping and kill you.

Cher: I wonder if those peeper stickers that you used to get at tanning salons to protect your eyes would help him?

Rebecca:

Cher : OMG. I'm dead.

Rebecca: From Wolverine:

Tricia: I was gonna say, you know Logan bought him one.

Cher: Ok, I think we're done.