Chosen One of the Day: That one lady werewolf in Underworld: Blood Wars

Contributed by
Jan 17, 2017

Underworld: Blood Wars came out a couple of weeks ago and it more or less tanked at the box office (with a miserable 19% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, at that) ... which is a bit odd considering at the time of its release it was indisputably the best new wide release of 2017. (It was actually the only new wide release of 2017, but shhhh, shhhhhh — we don't need to talk about that.)

In all seriousness, Blood Wars — the feature directorial debut of Outlander and Criminal Minds director Anna Foerster — technically may be, gun to my head, a bad movie. Let's be honest about the situation here: Kate Beckinsale kills, as always, but it's shot too dark you can't really see the action scenes, the story's a mess of "Who cares?", and Theo James, bless him, still can't outact a wet paper bag (but he looks damn good shirtless).

But whoever, in their miserable, God-forsaken lives, ever wanted or expected an Underworld movie to be “”””””good?”””””” They are not “”””””good.”””””” They are delightfully stupid 2001 Hot Topic goth trash, and I am 100% here for all of it. 

In this complete and utter masterpiece of a movie, there is one element that stands heads and shoulders above the rest. OK, two. The other is Kate Beckinsale ripping a dude's spine out. OK, three: I would be remiss not to mention Lara Pulver's goth fantastia wardrobe, which necessitates a costume change every 30 seconds. But vwoot vwoot, red alert: You may not know it from the trailers, but there is a lady werewolf in this movie.

Granted, this particular member of werewolf leader Marius' pack ("lycans," my tuchus. They’re werewolves. I'm going to call them werewolves.) doesn't have a ton to do. Played by actress Eva Larvoire, she's more or less an anonymous member of Marius' inner circle, which means she stands around looking broody and, IDK, probably wearing the same dirty-brown-with-a-fur-or-shearling-collar coat that comes standard whenever you get bitten. (No one wears color in the Underworldverse.)

She's involved in the creation of a big-ass gun the werewolves are cooking up. I think she has an undercut? Statistically she would, right? Cool, badass lady werewolf. You think she'd have an undercut. There's not even a picture of her floating around anywhere; this blurry-ass trailer image is the only evidence that she's out there somewhere, rocking my world and firing my loins.

The character doesn't even get a name, but there’s a silver lining to that: It means she's listed in the credits as "Tech Lycan."

TECH LYCAN.

Sciencing under the full moon!

TECH LYCAN.

Imploring her brethren not to mark their territory on her schematics, please.

TECH LYCAN.

Cease with your growly werewolf posturing, she has engineering to do.

TECH LYCAN.

Side-eyeing vampires for their completely impractical wardrobes.

TECH LYCAN.

Her time of the month is every time of the month.

I'm in love.