Stuff We Love: ThinkGeek spawned a glow-in-the-dark Cthulhu bank. R’lyeh.

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Jul 21, 2017

Why would you ever store your spare change in a porcelain pig when you could have Cthulhu guard your Innsmouth gold?

Yes, the awesome people at ThinkGeek have succumbed to the dark forces of R’lyeh and come up with a Cthulhu gargoyle bank that even they admit mind-controlled them to the point that it almost never made it onto the site because they wanted to keep the entire shipment for themselves. I don’t blame them, either.

When the stars are right...

This infernal idol was brought to life by sculptor Eli Livingston, who has done fantastically frightening work for Marvel Comics and H.R. Giger (the artist who spawned the xenomorphs in Alien). The detail on this thing is downright eerie, from armored scales impervious to any human weapons to skeletal fingers and toes with dagger claws to menacing gargoyle wings and a ridged back eerily reminiscent of xenomorph vertebrae. And the tentacles. Never forget the tentacles. They slither down from a four-eyed face that seethes like a deranged cuttlefish. He also glares at you like he’s going to unfreeze at any second and drag you down to the unfathomable depths.  

Now for the really epic part. This thing glows. Let it greedily consume as much UV light as it can during the day, and after dark it will keep glowing and glowing and glowing. Wherever you perch the Great Old One, there will be an unearthly green halo emanating from it, which will convince you of some paranormal phenomenon going on no matter how many times you tell yourself it’s science. It might have something to do with that mysterious script on the pedestal, which you’re probably better off not reading if you don’t want a tentacle slithering around your throat in the middle of the night.   

Cthulhu does more than watch over your personal hoard of gold and Tulu metal coins (he also reluctantly accepts mortal currency). The god of all things blasphemous can also hover over your collection of forbidden books or scare the living innards out of unwanted guests who dare enter your lair before you switch the lights on. He has that power.

Lovecraftian horrors are crawling all over ThinkGeek, from leggings that instantly turn you into a human cephalopod (which I also reviewed between staring in fascination at my eight new legs) to a tentacled action figure that will absolutely crush any other collectibles that may be so unlucky as to even try and share space with it on your shelf—and then eat them.

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