The 23 most hilariously wrong genre movie closed captions

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I love my ears. Without my ears I couldn't see. That's because they hold up my glasses.

Due to two hyperactive, cacophonous, lovable, rage-inducing 4-year-old boys, I can only experience media with my eyes. This is why I have a special affinity for closed captioning, and why I find it particularly irritating when the closed caption transcriber phones it in with grammatical gobbledygook disguised as a potentially coherent sentence.

After extensive therapy, I have chosen to find these erroneous closed captions "amusing." With that in mind, I have collected the funniest closed captioning mistranslations in the sci-fi and fantasy realms and now present them for your inspection.

If my hair could have one emotion, it would be, "happy at being no longer attached to the butt of a horse."

This explains why my uncle has been feeling so empty, inside.

"Man made misusing products institute" is a deep euphemism for a prison where you get shanked by a toothbrush.

I'm starting to think the "pride" in a "pride of lions" doesn't mean what I think it does.

Now, every time I hear that Coldplay song "Yellow," all I can hear is "and they are all melons." Doesn't make the song any less bearable, though. I don't know why I keep making myself listen to it.

Why translate a film that has ALREADY been translated back to English? Just get an English script and copy paste. I expect more exacting standards from my illegal Chinese bootleg DVDs.

 

The real line is "He actually used the cyberbrain network formed by those old folks as a transistor to store his own consciousness," according to my source. Okay, maybe it's not a source, it's Yahoo Answers.

Obviously, this is the pinnacle of horrible translating, since, you know, the words are on the dang screen. I ran the original phrase through Google translate then translated it back to English, and now all my ads are for mail order brides.

Not nearly as bad as finding a mine in a cave of weed, really.

Every time I say the name "Fodi," I throw up Olde English malt liquor.

Come to think of it, "Fog Ray" would be a great bluegrass band name.

Come to think of it, hobbits probably did play a lot of bluegrass, all barefoot and chilled out in the woods, smokin' a big, long pipe.

Come to think of it, my jokes really meander after I drink a flagon of hobbit ale.

Come to think of it, some British-isms are very much like bad closed captioning. They sound like they're speaking English, but what does "Put your stubby tins in the wheelie bin and Bob's your uncle" even mean?

Here, Locke disproves a popular fan theory about where the smoke monster came from.

How did they get a closed caption from the Canadian news?

Get it straight: The consensus nickname other hobbits use for teasing Mr. Baggins is "Froyo."

Apparently, J.R.R. Tolkien suffered some sort of brain trauma while writing The Lord of the Rings. That explains the Ents.

I do not believe in your alien mafia religion, but I will defend to the death your right to practice it while undoubtedly high.

This is an exciting plot twist which blows the actual plot twist, "Randall's your monster," out of the water. It also implies that Randall found a sensual new way to fill up his scream canister.

Original quote is "the spirit of Sauron endured." This reminds me of the last time a one-eyed monster spat at me and ... you know what, that's not appropriate for a family blog such as this.

I keep cyanide stuck in my fake tooth, but to each their own.

Oh, sure, Hogwarts takes this threat seriously. Yet when I go aggro with my katana in the produce section, for the safety of everyone, I always end up on the news.

It's weird how many words can be truncated to produce obscenities. Like whose idea was it to call them "assassins"?

In the Original Series episode "The Naked Time," Spock cries while doing math. I do this every month when I review my expenses against my budget.

You got any bad captioning examples that make you, like me, fly into a near-murderous rage? Comment.