We all love toys, because we're all kids inside, especially the unrepentant kids out there who love comics. (That gang is not-growing-up with an aggression that borders on psychosis.) But we don't love ALL toys, because all toys don't deserve it.
Some toys are just so bizarre, so wrongheaded, so unholy that Winslow Schott wouldn't even play with them drunk. If these toys came to life, we would run screaming from the room, looking for a gun.
#6-SPIDER-MAN TOILET LAND
I know Peter Parker has a crappy life and sometimes gets all pissy about the way that fate treats him, but who thought that translated out to a toy line? Well, we're living in an age in which all our urination and bowel evacuation needs can be taken care of in a soft, nurturing, Spider-Man environment. Now with a choice of Spider-Man toilets to aim for (below), you can admire your "Spider-Man on the Toilet" action figure (above) as inspiration and instruction.
And when you're done, Spider-Man toilet paper will bring you back to Aunt May nice and clean.
There's no versions of these toilet/pooping toys for Spawn or Ghost Rider (two characters easily crappy enough to warrant them), so it must be something they think ONLY Spider-Man fans might want. Spidey fans, are you going to take that?
#5-HULK SHOWER HEAD
When you're in the shower head business, you should figure out early you cannot license a superhero character for your product. There's simply nowhere for the water to come out of a human-shaped shower head that isn't disgusting. Any stream of anything exiting from below the belt is right out for most consumers (except for the Belgians who delight in that sort of thing).
Which leaves you with a choice of a shower head that either cries, sneezes or spits up its contents onto you while you bathe.
And when it comes to the Hulk, a steady supply of steamy water-vomit is just what I'm looking for in a hygiene product for my bathroom. "Hulk Smash!"? I don't think so. I say "Hulk, relax away my troubles!"
#4-BATMAN SQUIRT GUN
Another in the theme of water streaming from the mouths of superheroes. I love this toy, and own TWO, and one of that pair will be one of the five things I'm being buried with. (Read my will for the other four, you vultures.)
WHY IT'S GLORIOUS: When you "pull the trigger" (which we all noticed is where Batman's penis would be), liquid squirts jauntily out his mouth at an alarming pressure. That's a lesson to confuse the young'uns, for in real life, that's not going to happen, unless you sack-punch someone who's chugging beer. And even then, the likely result is more of a gush than a tightly directed stream ... and then, of course, more sack-punching all around.
Either way, I can never "pull the trigger" with my Batman Squirter, for "Wertham-based" reasons, so it rests on a shelf with my Popeye Squirter and my Donald Duck Squirter. I know sailors don't shoot high-pressure liquid from their mouths when you pull THEIR triggers, but I cannot speak with authority about ducks. I've never sack-punched a waterfowl, and I continue to be proud of that.
#3-PUNISHER "SHAPE SHIFTER" GUN
Obviously someone at TOY BIZ saw the Batman/Popeye/Donald duck squirter guns and said, "We must top that."
And they did.
I have to assume this entire thing was a cry for help from a toy designer deep "in the bowels" of the Toy Biz/Marvel/Legions of Satan organization.
It's not just that you can pose this figure in remarkably impolite ways all through the transformation process that makes this clearly-not-well-focus-tested product such a delight—it's that the FINAL transformation may well be the most impolite thing ever done to a human doll since voodoo was invented.
But before we get to that grand funk finale, check out the awkwardly posed figure, second from the top on that set of blackmail photos running down the side, where Frank Castle is first introduced to "harsh interrogation methods." By the time it's all over, in final stage #5, he's been left in "stress positions" all night, and this is one toy ready to tell you whatever you want to hear, or take you dancing.
I hope it's a squirter pistol, 'cause this whole thing is giving me a "water board," if you know what I mean.
What self-respecting child would ever hold this "gun" in his hands except to show the therapist where the inappropriate touching happened?
#2-WEEPING PADME PREGGO TOY
If there's one thing a kid wants from an action figure, it's ACTION! And nothing says ACTION like a weeping pregnant lady all swollen up and ready to drop her puppies. If you've ever had a little sister or brother arrive in your life, kids, then you know the excitement THIS action mom is in for, over six months of sleeplessness, bloating, crankiness and cracked nipples. To add to that level of thrill, collectors delight that this toy ties in to one of the three best prequels in the Star Wars saga.
BONUS ACTION POINTS: The doll inside the package has clearly become so depressed that she's cut off all her hair in a deranged moment of self-destruction. Now with Post-Partum Depression grip!
#1- WONDER WOMAN ACTION SCISSORS
Ah, Princess Diana's oddest collectible, and another of my prized collection. The best you can say about it is that at least she's not tied up. It's still impossible to ignore the underlying message of this toy. To make it work, you must pry Wonder Woman's thighs apart and quickly thrust them back together again, OVER AND OVER. And what does it do while this is happening? IT CUTS THINGS OFF!
If there was any justice in the world, this is the weapon that street women would carry in their boots to fight off evil johns who don't pay up. Like a St. Christopher sculpture is used for the dashboard of your car. But I think these are safety scissors, so you couldn't cut up your pimp with them at all. Darn it.
IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING WHERE THESE TOYS ARE:
I try to check my sources and facts at Art Land and discovered that the following toys turned out to be hoaxes. As popular as they are on the inter-web, they do not exist in real life.
This was faked up by the Onion. Oh, those guys and their nozzle inflation jokes!
I've seen this in a few places. Not real. But we can always dream...