Avengers: Infinity War is currently dominating the box office, raking in enough money over its first weekend to make it the biggest opening of all time. The film is quite the feat—the culmination of 10 years and 18 films worth of Marvel Cinematic Universe lore. It combines dozens of heroes, doing its best to unite them in a single story.
But there were a few heroes who were notably absent. At least, they were absent enough for the movie itself to note them by name—though with everything going on, did you really notice that Hawkeye and Ant-Man were not in attendance?
According to Black Widow, both Clint (did you forget that was his name?) and Scott took a deal from the government after the Sokovia Accords were signed and, you know, they all had a giant fight in an airport hanger where Scott became Giant Man and Clint, like, shot some arrows and stuff. We’re going to find out all about what Scott has been up to when he returns to be shown up by Hope Van Dyne in Ant-Man and the Wasp this July, but where exactly was Hawkeye?
Of course, we have some ideas.
Doing laundry. For everyone.
Someone has to do the laundry. You think they can just re-wear those super suits after every battle? Those things would be ripe, and not in a nice “Wow, Cap, you’ve certainly got a nice, patriotic musk going” way either. I’m talking, “Good god get away from me or I’m going to pass out.” And with Cap and Falcon and Natasha and Scarlet Witch on the run for the last two years, you know they’re not taking their suits to the neighborhood laundromat
Learning the fine art of French cooking.
He’s got every episode of Julia Child’s cooking show on Blu-Ray. She doesn’t care when he makes mistakes because Julia Child loves everyone.
Catching up on The CW’s Arrow.
Clint has been able to lord his involvement with the MCU over those bleak and joyless DCEU bros for years at the superhero bowling league every Tuesday night (yes, Batman has his own ball, and yes, it’s basically cheating, but ever since that whole Martha thing he’s prone to random bursts of crying and everyone just sorta lets it slide). But then someone pointed out that at least DC’s archer has his own show, and no one makes fun of him. They take him seriously. Very seriously. Clint watches. He waits. He sometimes wonders if maybe he’s too into Oliver Queen. He installs a salmon ladder in his barn. He falls a lot.
Becoming That Guy at the laser tag place in the mall.
You know that guy.
Counting his arrows. Again.
He’s been a spy for a really long time and he’s just never had the chance to properly sort and catalog his arrows. He has a lot of them and he’s very particular about their storage. First, he separates them into categories, then into subcategories, and then he carefully names each one because they are like his tiny flying children of death. Finally, he places them each into their respective containers and whispers them a bedtime story before closing the boxes and carefully shelving them in the arsenal he doesn’t tell his wife he built under the shed in the backyard.
But she knows. Who do you think bought him the label maker for Christmas?
Catching up on his scrapbooking.
Speaking of catching up on things, do you have any idea how long it takes to put together a proper scrapbook? He promised the Avengers that he would document their team building trip to Siberia three years ago and he is just woefully behind. I mean, first he had to spend all that time building the shed for his craft room, and then there was the time he spent convalescing after the paper cut incident. But he’s finally got everything back on track and dammit if he isn’t going to finish this project before the summer. He’s still got that whole album from Budapest to do before Nat’s birthday.
Keeping his Snapchat streak going with Peter Parker.
It started innocently enough. Six months ago he was at the Avengers headquarters in New York, dropping off the laundry when he ran into this kid, Peter. Now, Peter was really excited to see him, which really just warmed Clint’s heart, you know, cause most people think he’s Tony’s assistant — you know, because of the laundry. So when Peter asked him if he was on Snapchat, of course, Clint said yes and now they’re about 360 snaps in and Clint’s really not sure what’s going on but he is going to keep taking those pictures. I mean, the kid seems nice, even if he is a little annoying, and totally Tony’s new favorite. Not that he’s jealous or anything.
Come to think of it, he hasn’t gotten a snap in a little while...
Checking his text messages.
He hasn’t gotten a text in a while either. And he’s tried everything. He even tried sending emoji a few times, but then he found out what the peach meant and he stopped doing that. Sure, most of his friends are on the run from the government and the rest are either missing, in space, or, you know, Tony, so he wasn’t expecting a LOT of conversation, but is a gif every now and then really too much to ask?
Ranking his favorite submissions to the Hawkeye Initiative.
You know, this project has really opened his eyes. Opened them to a lot of things, actually. Like sexism, sure, but he’s also really aware and proud of his butt now. It’s a nice butt.
He revisits it every so often when he’s feeling low. Yes, he has a favorite. No, he’s not going to tell you.
Pitching his solo movie to Marvel.
He’s done this a few times now, but hey, it worked for Natasha. The last one went really well, too. They seemed totally down with his idea of a corgi and a female sidekick, but then someone suggested maybe just let her take over instead. That hurt. Maybe they’ll go for the next one? He hears Russians are in these days.
What about a short film? Or a cameo in Captain Marvel? Look, things on the farm are, like, REALLY boring. He watched Iron Fist all the way through. Twice.