It's a new year, a new fresh start. In 2019, you can be anything you dreamed and do anything you wish. Or you can watch all five Twilight movies, which are, as of today, available to stream on Hulu. Either or. It's your journey.
You see, recently voters chose to determine Twilight is the worst film ever made. Which is utter bollocks. Is Twilight worse than The Room? Pearl Harbor? Manos: The Hands of Fate? Of course it isn't. In fact, the first movie is perfectly fine, and Catherine Hardwicke's work in no way deserves this much hate in a world where we let Michael Bay run around free and easy.
That said, there were five movies in this franchise. So I decided to put them all to the test while putting myself to the test. Because I chose to close out 2018 the way that year deserved: by watching all five movies in The Twilight Saga in a row. As in, in one sitting.
It made sense at the time.
Did I survive this ordeal? Did I live to tell the tale? Am I typing this now as a ghost, wishing this weren't my swan song? Only one way to find out, and that's in this ultimate Deja View.
- Picturing Bella’s life in Phoenix is weird. Picturing Kristen Stewart in Arizona is like picturing a bicycle in a fish tank. Like, OK, I guess, if you say so, but weird.
- Bella gets to school and everyone is immediately obsessed with her and fighting to be her best friend, you know, like high school is. Totally normal. Totes normz.
- Ultimately this series is about a girl whose stench is so powerful it brings all the cryptids to the yard.
- Find someone who looks at you ... literally any other way.
- There should have been another Twilight movie just to finally give justice to Buttcrack Santa.
- Edward and Bella at the beginning of this movie have the sexual chemistry of two Big Mouth Billy Bass and a quarter of the energy.
- “Bella, you hit your head. I think you’re confused.” Gaslighting is so sexy.
- “Nobody’s going to believe you.” Ooh, that’s a real one-two punch of toxic hotness right there.
- And three strikes makes a turkey.
- The dudes at Forks High School are some real clown shoes. I’d go full “my body is ready” on that creepvamp too.
- BUTTCRACK SANTA, NO. WE DEMAND JUSTICE FOR BUTTCRACK SANTA.
- Edward always looks like he went to the Joey Tribbiani “divide 232 by 13” school of acting.
- “I’ve killed people before.” “It doesn’t matter.” Girl, when someone tells you who they are, listen. Love yourself, Bella.
- How does it take them four movies to have sex? Less than an hour into the first one and if I were Bella I’d have fully attacked him on that mountain and told him to crack me open like a coconut.
- Seriously, the hair team hated everyone in this entire franchise but Ashley Greene the most.
- That said, the bad blending on Elisabeth Reaser’s wig cannot go unmentioned.
- There’s a lot of tree climbing in this movie. Sexy tree climbing. And zero climbing *him* like a tree.
- This movie tells us what we all already know, that filmmaker-type dudes are the worst.
- How did no one notice the Neko Case-looking woman dressed like a bird at the prom? The whole school sh*ts themselves every time Bella pulls up in her big rig, but this chick causes no stir?
STATUS UPDATE: So far so good. This movie remains fine and nowhere near deserving of the utter hatred it elicits. I have consumed half a bag of barbecue potato chips and two pamplemousse LaCroix. The hairstyles of Jacob and every Cullen but Edward will haunt my every dream. Onward I soldier.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
- One movie later, Bella is horny af and of course she is. So many months of longing glances and those weird slow breathy pull-away kisses.
- Honestly, I’m amazed she hasn’t worn all the skin off her hand by this point.
- New Moon, new horrific hair and styling for Ashley Greene.
- Ooh, fun, I forgot this movie is about how awesome suicide is. Neat. Swell flick.
- This boy band is fierce.
- Family dinners, right? Can’t get through it without getting a paper cut so bad you need stitches, getting thrown into the banquette and slicing your arm open while your boyfriend’s siblings fight over who gets to eat you. Been there, girl.
- “This is the last time you’ll ever see me.” BITCH, WE KNOW THAT ISN’T TRUE, THERE ARE FOUR BOOKS!
- The jorts and no-shirt look is such a choice. It’s definitely not a good choice. But it is a choice.
- I don’t know what you’re talking about, this is a totally healthy normal way to handle a breakup.
- Can you imagine making your whole family move and cancel their email addresses just because you have commitment issues? OK, in fairness, that commitment issue involves committing to biting your girlfriend and turning her into an immortal demon, but still.
- This movie is … troubling. And dear HEAVENS did it need a woman to direct it and also maybe to just skip ahead to the part where Edward and Bella bang it out because this is insufferable.
- I mean if you’re going to watch a movie where someone builds a motorcycle to get the attention of the person they love, Grease 2 is clearly the superior selection.
- There is so much nice guy friendzonery in this movie and if my eyes rolled any harder they’d fall out of my skull.
- It’s weird that Jacob doesn’t even attempt to explain his shirtless jort bro time. To Bella and to us the audience, it’s just, like, fine. Shirtless jort bro-abouts. Standard stuff.
- All these dudes just keep showing up in Bella’s bedroom. Did we learn nothing from Billy Loomis? Decent dudes use the door. Creeps climb trees and parkour and sh*t.
- Also, the ceaseless shirtlessness is not helping. I love a good Adonis belt and all, but for the love of god, they need more pant or ANY shirt. I cannot handle this "just shorts" look any longer.
- The Romeo and Juliet thing was subtle foreshadowing you see, the movie screams at you while stapling the words “GET IT? GET IT?!” to your head.
STATUS UPDATE: Well that was problematic. I’m very tired now and am out of chips. Holy butts.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- So I realized I’ve never seen this one and read the Wikipedia page for it and it’s all about the creation of a “newborn army” and logically I know “newborn” vampires means they’re freshly turned but it’s way better to read this as Victoria attempting to create an army of killer babies. Like do you know how hard I’d see that movie? I’d own it on Blu-ray and digital AND watch it every time it airs on cable.
- Like this opening scene would be so much better if it was an actual baby.
- Honestly, I would be pretty into seeing vampire divorce rate statistics. They’ve got to be at least as high or higher, right? I mean, without the sweet release of death, you are STUCK WITH THEM. I mean imagine pledging eternity to Kellen Lutz. Like, get the Volturi on the phone PLEASE.
- Messing up her truck so she can’t go see another guy. THEIR LOVE REMAINS A HEALTHY ONE.
- So how does the sun sparkle work? He’s sitting next to a big window and fine. Does it have to be direct sunlight? If windows stop it, could a strong SPF? I just have questions.
- Toxic males, toxic males, toxic all the waaayyy / Oh what fun it is to ride on the back of Jacob’s shitty motorcycle today, HEY!
- Look the only worthwhile male in this entire franchise is Billy Burke. I’d let him bite me. I’d probably gain all the powers of a small-town sheriff.
- “Feel that? Flesh.” EW. Men are gross. Wolfmen all the grosser.
- Oh great, now we get Richard Harrow from Boardwalk Empire as a rapist. That’s what this franchise needed. Just a f*ckton of rape.
- I wonder if they took down the weird graduation cap shrine thing. That seems like it would entice some questions.
- I mean if we’re going to have a vampire we like and root for, maybe it’s not a great idea to make him a Confederate soldier. Eating people? Fine. Racism? Less so.
- This series is mostly Bella being carried places. In fairness, she doesn’t do so great walking on her own.
- “I can sense how I make you feel. Physically.” F*CKING EW, JACOB.
- If a dude I was dating told me to stop taking my clothes off I WOULD CRY. Like THE EMBARRASSMENT. But I’m glad Bella is the one like “STICK IT IN” and he’s the one like “But, miss, we are unmarried” and falling on his fainting couch.
- “She’s in love with me too. She just won’t admit it to herself.” UGH, I HATE THIS. JACOB IS THE WORST. TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER, JEAN SHORTS, JESUS.
- This movie clearly wants us to think there’s a real rivalry here between these two whinegoobers but I feel like they could have made that more plausible by, let’s say, making Jake remotely likable. Like at all. Abs do not a likable human make.
- I mean this battle would be SO GOOD if it was vampires and giant wolves taking on tiny babies.
- “It wasn’t easy making you admit your feelings for me.” JACOB IS A TOXIC TWAT. God, I hate this toddlerpuppy of a d*ckbag. Is he still all broken in the next one? I hope so. Ugh.
STATUS UPDATE: The first movie is fine. The second movie is less fine. This one? WAS A GODDAMN SLOG. There aren't enough barbecue chips in the world. What monster assigned me this project? OH WAIT IT WAS ME.
Still better than the Transformers movies though.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1
- We open with Jacob having such a tantrum about receiving a wedding invitation that he has no choice but to rip his shirt off and ruin a perfectly awful pair of cargo shorts.
- I genuinely can’t decide if this is Ashley Greene’s worst hairstyle or best. They’re all putrid, just in different shades.
- Dumb elfin sideburns might seal the deal though. But at least this haircut won’t fly her away like the first few.
- Edward is sorry about his Dexter origins of biting would-be murder-rapists, and, like, no, boo. Bite on.
- I mean if all the movies were like this, I would take back every joke I’ve made and stan this franchise for all eternity.
- Jacob had three good minutes being a decentish dude before pulling that abuser sh*t again BUT COOL, SURE, LOVE TRIANGLE, SWELL.
- FINALLY, IT’S TIME TO BANG. Lord, it’s been six hours of blue balls over here.
- Or not, apparently it’s swim time. THESE TWO.
- This is what happens when you wait too long to bone down. The amount of effort and pressure is impossible. Also no foreplay? Give the girl something to enjoy before you potentially murder her with your eternal dong.
- Vampire babies are crazy fast and this dead dude is crazy fertile.
- Even married sex will A-CURSE YOU WITH THE DEVIL FETI.
- Thank heavens this woman exists for the sole purpose of cleaning the rich white people’s vacation house, being scared of demons, and having psychic powers. We were almost in danger of only upholding American Indigenous stereotypes.
- Is it a pro-life message if it’s half an after-life baby? This is making me tired even attempting to parse whatever message this movie is trying to deliver.
- The whole franchise is just other people’s choices happening to Bella. In fairness, her own choices tend to mostly involve attempting to die to get her boyfriend’s attention or commitment or … demonspawn thing.
- So many wolfy tantrums. I’m now convinced that wolves’ howling is just nonstop whining.
- Pregnancy is the worst. That’s the real message of this movie.
- Jacob: so committed to the concept of the friendzone that he’s willing to kill a baby. WHAT A HERO. WHAT A LOVE INTEREST.
- OK, he was telling a fiblet to save them FINE WHATEVER he still sucks.
- Also, Renesmee sounds like that thing when you cough and sneeze at the same time.
- Getchyou a man who will bite your baby out of you. ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT IS NO MAN WORTH A SH*T.
- Oh, nope, def still willing to kill that baby. Until he falls in love with that baby. Both super f*cked up.
- Please don’t fall in love with babies, guys. It’s at best inappropriate.
- So wait does becoming a vampire give you fresh makeup? Like will she just have this bronze-eye look the rest of time?
STATUS UPDATE: Y'all, I like this movie. It's a body horror about how bad pregnancy sucks mixed with hot bed-breaking beach house sextimes. This movie's awesome. I didn't even need my BBQ chips this time.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
- I think all Kristen movies should start with her tackling and eating a mountain lion. Personal Shopper, Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk, all of ‘em.
- Oh, this weird green screen baby is NOT COOL.
- OK, I like Bella in this movie. A lot.
- Edward is all of us right now.
- NESSY? HIT HIM AGAIN, BELLA.
- She gets eternal smokey eye AND a perfect fairy tale cottage? Like, yes, please. Someone turn me into a vampire yesterday.
- Man if the whole franchise was Bella being a bad b*tch and trying not to eat her dad, this would be the greatest series of films in history and I would demand 100 more.
- Oh is this going to be the part in the franchise where Kellen Lutz gets his ass kicked? THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME.
- The super fast thing will never not be funny.
- Awesome, yes, I’m finally getting my army of murder babies.
- “They had to be destroyed.” JK lol not getting my army of murder babies. WHY WILL NO ONE GIVE ME THE MURDER BABIES?
- OK LOL THOUGH ...
- Rami Malek has water powers so that’s fun.
- Rami Malek also has dirt powers so that’s also fun.
- Oh thank god, Lee Pace is here. Everything is going to be OK. Kind of. This movie is basically Suicide Squad: just constantly introducing random new characters I don’t have time to care about.
- Clementine from Westworld is here in a LOT of dark makeup and it … is … a choice. This franchise makes a lot of choices in terms of race. Many race choices.
- OK, this movie used to be Bella beating up Jacob and Kellen Lutz and now it’s just bad accents and bit players and it sucks now. GO BACK TO THE FIRST 20 MINUTES YOU COWARDS.
- Michael Sheen is cool though. I want a movie that’s Bad Bitch Bella, Michael Sheen, and more banging. I think I’m asking for an Underworld/Twilight crossover. FINE. HIRE ME, HOLLYWOOD.
- I mean this whole movie is like a wacky Three’s Company misunderstanding and we don’t even get that hot bitch, Mrs. Roper.
- OH MY GOD, this has all been worth it for that amazing Michael Sheen giggle straight out of Amadeus.
- This movie has had two beheadings and I’m back on board.
- MORE BEHEADINGS! MORE BEHEADINGS! YOU LOSE A HEAD AND YOU LOSE A HEAD! EVERY! BODY! LOSES! THEIR! HEAD!
- And it was all just a dream inside the snowglobe of Alice's dumb haircut. BUT THE REAL FRIENDS WERE THE HEADS WE LOST ALONG THE WAY.
STATUS UPDATE: I'M READY TO TEAR SOME HEADS OFF. YEAH!