It's impossible for me to watch a pornographic film without seeing gaping holes in the plot. Like, "Hey, that guy didn't actually bring a pizza," or "That leaky pipe would've covered the kitchen floor with water by now," or "There's no way a Rio gas station bathroom could stand up to that much force."
This is just when I'm dealing with plots that involving everyday scenarios. When you work in the complicated world of space explanation, you jump the line of sanity, landing in a pile of maximum story confusion. I detailed some of the worst offenders here. I also tried to make these clips and copy safe for work, unless otherwise indicated, so you won't have to use the age-old lie that you "just read Blastr for the articles."
Star Virgin (1979)
A lone woman floats through space, being kept alive as a curiosity of her robotic overlords. One robot says "damn woman, you are sexy," because that is a thing that robots say all the time. The woman asks what is sex, so the robot consults its "memory" banks and we as viewers realize that this robot is an idiot. I scanned this clip and saw no NSFW content besides skimpy underwear.
For starters, the robot claims "sex started back in 1950" at some high school. However, later on in the film (yes I sat down and watched this film, in between bouts of questioning the life choices which led to this point in my writing career), the robot explains a sex scene in the garden of Eden. Also, the robot seems to "remember" a sex scene involving vampires wearing Richard Nixon masks. How robots this clueless could get in charge of humankind is baffling, unless it involved a U.S. presidential election in which case then I totally understand.
Nude on the Moon (1961)
Back in 1961, people were still baffled by the moon and asked questions like "are there sexy aliens up there and, if so, how do they maintain their svelte figures while subsisting on nothing but green cheese?" Nude on the Moon does not tackle this critical science question, instead deciding to just show naked people walking around. This Youtube of the whole film contains bare breasts.
The film opens with a scientist inheriting a fortune. The total amount he inherits is $3 million, so naturally he decides to build a rocket and travel to the moon. Never mind that the Apollo space program cost an estimated $25 billion to get to the moon, science isn't about hard numbers. Arriving at the moon, they find a species that looks surprisingly human walking around a colony that looks surprisingly like Florida. This alien tribe allows the astronauts to take pictures of them doing everyday activities, because "doing everyday activities" is always a thrilling plot line for a hit film.
This dull plot shows a faint glimmer upon the astronaut's return to Earth. It seems no one will believe their story, as they forgot their camera. The main character then realizes his secretary resembles the Moon Queen and begins a romance with her. This is reminiscent of the ending to the original King Kong, where the damsel in distress realizes she has the hots for her especially-hairy boss.
The Beast in Space (1980)
On a distant planet, a powerful computer has enslaved everyone by forcing them to constantly have sex. Here's the whole movie, it's not safe for work. This planet also contains a key ingredient for making neutron bombs. I thought the key ingredient was the neutron, which is in every substance on every planet, but I guess I'm no scientist. Anyway, humans are forced to go to computer-sex-crazed planet because, hey, it's 1980 and everyone needed nukes.
Upon arriving at the planet, the captain and his crew fall under the control of this nympho-comp, and must battle their way back by forcing themselves to abstain from sex long enough to escape. There is a quality metaphor here for the opposition between the free-love movement and pro-war governments, only that stuff happened like 10 years before this film and also this film is Italian. So close, yet so far.
The Uranus Experiment (1999)
This "ultra-stylish harcore" film uses Russia-U.S. tensions as the backdrop for a space exploration plot, despite the cold war having ended several years earlier. We see the two world powers link up for a joint mission to Uranus. When the U.S. shuttle launches against a sky blue background, and the Russian shuttle launches against a black background, it becomes evident that the Rooskies are up to no good. It's called symbolism in art, people. But why should I sell it to you, when I could simply present the imdb description which features one of the all-time most butchered sentences in the English language:
"Opposite poles attract as the race for space reach a shuddering climax when American and Russian shuttle spacecraft (and crew) link up in weightless stratosphere only to have CNN-styled televised coverage of impassioned sexual escapades in zero gravity while the scandalized American President watches aghast."
The period at the end of that is like a bullet mercifully putting the syntax out of its misery. As it turns out, the Russians' secret evil plan is to test the effects of sex in space, for which they somehow needed both the waning space program of the U.S. and extreme subterfuge. From what I can tell, the only effect of sex in space is that it seems to cause really bad lighting.
The Uranus Experiment, Part 2 (1999)
Nominated for a Nebula award, The Uranus Experiment, Part 2 is notable in that it features a sex scene in honest-to-gosh-real zero-gravity conditions. This film picks up right where the previous film left off (which is really pointless since no one has ever seen a pornographic movie all the way to the end). The Russia/America space mission finally reaches the planet Uranus. As it turns out, Uranus is inhabited by sexy aliens who seduce their way onto the ship, causing all kinds of naughty hijinks.
There was one scene which was actually filmed in zero-g conditions. Well, technically there was about twenty seconds of it in true weightlessness. See, when you can't afford to crank out a movie in outer space because the cost is enormous and you have like 11 other films to film that day, you do the next best thing: Take a plane really high in the air and then nose dive. This creates the illusion of weightlessness, but it also makes for a really difficult film set.
Star Babe (1977)
In the year 2088, an evil planet called Phallus makes plans to take over Earth. Because Earth already has enough issues with phallic domination, a brave, hot crew of astronauts is sent to Phallus to "interrogate the government men and steal their plans."
When it comes to actual effects, however, there are some unique space travel scenes that are above reproach. And there's plenty of fun things for the asexual sci-fi obsessive to rant over, such as:
- Space ship bridge chairs not anchored to anything
- Guy blowing smoke through the eyeholes of his really bad alien/gorilla mask
- An incredibly bad toy flute player at what i can only assume is their twist on the cantina scene
It strongly feels like this film was not intended as a Star Wars parody, as the plot barely resembles the plot to the hit film that came out the same year. However they did change the intro title font to match the font of Star Wars. Speaking of licensing theft, I couldn't help but notice how obsessed aliens are with the Evil Knievel pinball machine. Also, some of the actors are wearing Storm Trooper masks so... A for effort in stealing IP.
2069: A Sex Odyssey (1974)
Sex comedies became big in Europe during the 1960s and 1970s in Europe. It turns out, audiences who like gratuitous nudity and audiences who like over-the-top raunchy jokes overlap like 100%.
In 2069: A Sex Odyssey, an all-woman tribe on Venus comes to the shocking realization that all-woman tribes don't last more than one generation. So they travel to Earth to extract, erm, protozoan samples from Earth's men. This Youtube cut of the film does a laughably bad job of censoring nudity, so don't watch it at work. While on Earth, they try to blend in while every Earth actor in the film conveniently overlooks the fact that the Venus woman are identically dressed to resemble background actors from Buck Rogers.
It turns out, Earth men are more than willing to help these attractive aliens with their mission. So much that brawls break out over which Earthling will get to help first. This was a staple of 70s and 80s raunchy comedies: Lots of people punching each other. Not so much a staple of artsy science fiction films of the period, but nothing's perfect.
Perhaps the most famous mainstream-released erotic film, Barbarella features Jane Fonda coming up with various sci-fi-themed excuses to writhe and moan. First, she learns that actual sexual intercourse is better than her futuristic version of "taking pills and holding hands." Then, she uses her newfound prowess to cure an angel who is too depressed to fly. Finally, she overpowers a machine desired to make her climax, in a situation metaphorical to a teenage boy with a sprained wrist.
Sex Trek (1990)
This porno parody was actually penned by a writer for Star Trek. That doesn't mean it is at all creative however. To wit, the crew visits a bean-eating race called *sshol*s on the planet Uranus in the year 6969.9. As it turns out, this race is all-female, yet has existed for millions of years, somehow. The planet has a high content of methane gas generated by these citizens. Are you erotified yet?
The puns go from lazy to forced when a redshirt named Seaman Bob is pronounced dead, even though spaceships have nothing to do with the sea. The crew of the Enterprise knock-off (spaceship "Penetrator") then engage their rival in an attempt to harness the manufacturing powers of the natives. It is a plot too specific to not be a commentary on some social issue, I'm just not exactly sure what.
The people of Uranus start using hypnosis to trap the crew in a world of illusion. Finally, the crew breaks free by finding a telephone, in what might be a nod to E.T., but just as equally might be a nod to Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, or just as equally a ridiculously lazy McGuffin that is a nod to nothing.
Sex Trek II: The Search for Sperm (1991)
This sequel chose the TOS episode, "Spock's Brain." as the source of its parody. The crew is put in stasis by a hostile alien. When they wake up, Spock's you-know-what has been removed. Also his brain is in his junk, because that development is needed for the title of the movie to make any sense (semantic continuity is a key part of the average porno-watcher's sex drive).
Like a slug, Spock's missing organ is tracked by following its trail of ooze. They discover it is at a planet inhabited entirely by women. No, this is not Uranus from the previous film, it is an entirely differnt planet inhabited by women. The planet is called "TheWomb," which I've chosen to interpret as a subtle reminded for any couples watching the film to practice safe sex. In the end, the crew retrieves Spock's unit. How they reattach it was not fully explained, perhaps this was part of a cliffhanger to be detailed in the next installment.
Sex Trek III: The Wrath of Bob (1992)
Oh, wait, no, it's never explained how Spock gets his groove back on. That's not to say that the third installment is without a shocking amount of continuity. The crew revisits Uranus, because "visits a planet inhabited by women" seems to be the only plot anyone could ever think of. Remember Seaman Bob? Turns out he wasn't dead, and now is king of the planet because a certain part of his body has grown to five feet in length. This makes Bob very angry, and he responds by taking over the ship.
Fortunately, the crew manages to fight back using devices that are all based on poor word play. The Spock character attacks a woman with something like the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, except replace "nerve" with another body part that starts with "N." The crew manages to neutralize Bob's power of aggressive virility with a device called a "condom torpedo." The crew escapes the planet, rescuiing some of the native women in the process. This left me wondering why the gas-passing Uranus women were rescued when they were bad guys in the original film, and also if putting these flatulent woman into an enclosed space is a truly happy ending.
Sex Trek IV: The Next Orgasm (1994)
In this iteration, the writers finally figured out a way to make an obvious pun of the Enterprise. This film sees the Starship Intercourse waylaid by a powerful alien who captures the captain. The alien's name is Cute and she hails from the "Cute Continuum," which I think is a play on the name "Q," but I don't really want to think about this enough to figure it out.
Cute then proceeds to impersonate various crew members in order to make love with other crew members. There's not really a major plot-related reason for this, which I can sorta understand since it's hard to think of a storyline for "the alien needs to copulate with the android." Then the mischievous alien is taken back to her cloud of superior beings in a giant burst of deus ex machina.
Sex Trek V: Deep Space Sex (1994)
This would have been a well-titled film, had the series been named Deep Space Six instead of Deep Space Nine. The film begins with starship Intercourse investigating an unidentified source of energy on the planet Rigel Omega Beta III. After finishing that sentence, I sat here for like five minutes trying to figure out what pun or reference is made by Rigel Omega Beta III. If you can figure it out, please leave it in the comments because it's driving me crazy. As it turns out, an alien on this planet feeds off of sexual urges. One crew member finds a visor that lets you see through clothes, which makes the crew unable to resist getting frisky with each other.
At the mercy of the powerful alien, the crew debates whether they should stay celibate for a day to weaken its power. Then, like all good and reckless porn-themed ship leaders, Captain Prickhard decides to steer into the skid by having a giant group celebration. The plan works brilliantly, because, like your average homeowners association president,.the alien is utterly unable to handle this slight increase in power.
XXX Trek: The Final Orgasm
This movie feels like it was named using some sort of AI machine that someone spilled a jar of mayonaise into, yet STILL manages to encroach upon the tital of another Star Trek porn parody. This rendition finds Captain Quirk searching for the starship Spermius. Instead, he finds a giant space hoo-ha. It sucks in the starship and begins draining the life force from the crew, not unlike an unhappy marriage.
Soon, things get worse when the lady flower begins to grow from men having intercourse inside of it (no, not like that, in a clean way. Well, in a cleaner way than what you were thinking). Luckily, the crew is able to convince the giant pink taco that human men are scum, so it decides to try out ladies, instead, making a huge statement for feminism to those who get their political ideologies from porno plots.