Star Wars movies are fast becoming a part of people’s holiday traditions as much as stale fruitcake, sweaters that should have never existed, obligatory office parties, easily offended relatives and the unofficial passive-aggressive outdoor décor battle that will turn your whole neighborhood into an attack of the clones and shoot your electric bill all the way to the Death Star.
With each new space opera release comes the inevitable blizzard of branded merchandise. Monstrosities such as the infamous Lando Calrissian mustache disguise kit have landed with past launches. Last year’s The Force Awakens spawned everything from toasters that leave an imprint of Yoda on your breakfast (which you could then flip with a droid spatula) to luxury watches that would pay Han’s debt to Jabba with no casualties and a galactic in-home movie theater worth more than every single repair ever done on the Millenium Falcon.
While Empire-made watches and Jedi toast already sound far-out enough, there is far more bizarre — and even disturbing — merch lurking in the far reaches of the Star Wars universe (both official and unofficial). Strap yourself into your X-Wing fighter for 21 collectibles that will leave a “what the …” hanging in midair like you just found out the Dark Lord is your father (or vice versa).
Space Slug oven mitt
For anyone who prefers losing their appetite before Aunt Fifi’s tuna surprise casserole even comes out of the oven, there’s no better way to make yourself more nauseated than pulling that steaming tray of questionable ingredients out with an equally repulsive exogorth. This gastropod from the freezing asteroid belts of Hoth won’t burst into flames in a 450-degree oven. While his open mouth makes the giant asteroid worm look like he might devour the dreadful dish for you with those rows of teeth, good luck getting out of that compulsory bite of casserole, because space slugs gorge mostly on mynocks.
Jawa garden gnome
As if garden gnomes weren’t irredeemably scary enough (Goosebumps Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes, anyone?), they can now haunt your flower bed in the form of one of these creepy Tatooine-ish creatures which, ironically enough for a desert dweller, is clutching what at least appears to be garden hose. Your plants will find out soon enough whether it’s actually filled with poisonous gas from some alien wasteland. Those glowing yellow eyes will also make you question whether or not it really is an inanimate object. Just don’t be surprised if you wake up to find your painfully cultivated peonies trampled by a sandcrawler.
Admiral Ackbar singing bass
If you decide to give one of these notoriously regifted holiday gags, you don’t want just any rubber fish singing Don’t Worry, Be Happy mounted like a trophy on your wall. You want something that’s so entertaining it would even make Darth Vader himself interrupt an emergency call so his Stormtrooper can play it again while he enjoys a fast-food burger at his leisure. You want Admiral Ackbar, whose bulging eyes and catfish whiskers make him look like something that emerged from the depths of the ocean anyway, flapping his tail to the Cantina song and periodically turning his head and shouting “It’s a trap!”
Princess Leia bearded dragon costume
There are already too many cinnamon bun braid costumes for the galaxy’s cats and dogs thanks to last year’s Star Wars x Petco launch (which featured Lord Vader holding a highly confused cat at San Diego Comic Con), but what about the lizards? Surely in this world of furry Chewbacca relatives, there just has to be something for our scaly friends. The answer: a diminutive white felt robe with micro-buns made of yarn for any self-respecting bearded dragon seeking the ultimate Star Wars cosplay. She’ll even be armed with her own teeny light saber. Lizard Leia is now ready to fight for the Rebel Alliance.
If you like collecting empty boxes that once housed, or were at least supposed to house, Star Wars memorabilia, (think the 1977 Kenner fiasco when kids spent their hard-earned allowance on a cardboard display stand to get their action figures half a year later), the Force now comes packaged. What exactly does it look like? No one knows. In the plastic bubble where you’d expect an action figure to be entombed is sheer emptiness that could have the potential to destroy or rebuild a galaxy—or just stale air. Whatever happens to be in there and whether or not it would get Obi-Wan’s approval, it actually sold for $12.95 on eBay.
Darth Vader shower head
When the one thing missing from your shower is the ominous gaze of Darth Vader making sure you scrub yourself clean, then you obviously need this voyeuristic showerhead. We don’t know about Death Star hygiene, but it wouldn’t be surprising if the Master keeps an evil eye on his Stormtroopers via surveillance cameras, even in shower. He even has three spray settings to command all those toxic suds to swirl down the drain. As if that isn’t creepy enough, he shoots water out the eyeholes of his mask. The rest of us can find privacy somewhere far, far away.
CAT-AT Walker cat condo
If this thing doesn’t scare your Wampa cats away first, they will come to commandeer this just like the Imperial army leading an assault on the Rebel alliance. Cats vs. rebel dogs (or humans) will be the most epic battle your living room has ever seen. However, even all-terrain armored transport can’t withstand the claw of the common feline. Even this seemingly indestructible vehicle-meets-scratching-post may be recognizable for about thirty seconds before eager paws take it down like Luke Skywalker and his Squadron.
In a place of meditation you are, yes? Nothing says “zen” like a terrarium full of artificial mosses, miniature ferns, and…Yoda staring at you from behind a micro-plant as if to make sure you’re using the Force while you’re filing your tax returns. You’re always going to have that creeping feeling that you’d better do or do not, because there is no try when the IRS is waiting. There’s an even creepier Endor one with an Ewok evilly peering out at you from the forest. For more of a desert experience, there’s also a version with R2-D2 beep-booping around the sands of Tattooine.
Your goldfish are just dreaming of swimming around in a life-size droid instead of a boring tank with neon gravel and a miniature sunken pirate ship on the bottom. If it isn’t already obvious this is light-years away from a normal fish tank, he has the same sort of radar eye that projects images of a doomed Leia in Episode IV, except in this case it gives you an up-close-and-personal view of everything going on underwater. Not to mention that you wouldn’t expect anything supposed to house a living creature to swivel its head and beep-boop-beep at every command it hears in a human voice. You heard that right: a fish tank that thinks like a robot. Creepy.
Light saber thumb wrestling
Having a thumb Star Wars is vastly superior to just having a thumb war. When was the last time thumb wrestling at the bar involved light sabers? This game-board-slash-book with crease-defying pages (have you even seen one of these things since the original trilogy came out?), is illustrated with scenes from “Clash in Cloud City” to “Rumble in the Reactor” and lets you slide your thumbs in the holes for digit duels between the Light and Dark. The best part: it comes with two “thumbsabers” you can attach with Velcro if you really want to use the Force.
Star Wars Tiki glasses
Freaky Tiki glasses from the Mos Eisley Cantina will make for a much more out-of-this-world vacation story to tell your party guests than an endless feed of Instagram photos from Hawaii. To someone who’s already had one too many mai tais, any one of these with an orange slice and paper umbrella could pass as a souvenir from a recent trip to Honolulu—until they notice the subtly eerie faces of Yoda, Chewie, R2, Boba, Darth and one of his Stormtroopers are more Tatooine than Tiki. Now you know what Elan Sleazebaggano probably stashes his death sticks in.
Darth Vader humidifier
Because the most comforting image when you’re congested from an alien fever is something that looks like Darth Vader exhaling noxious fumes (even if it is just water vapor). When you’ve already fallen victim to the Dark Side of a sinus infection, you just don’t want him looming over you as if he knows you’ve caught the brainrot plague. The Darthmidifier even lights up. Can you imagine waking up in the middle of the night with congestion and realizing the only doctor on call is this disembodied mask of evil? You might end up having even more trouble breathing.
Han Solo in carbonite (resin) Pop Tarts
When they’ve mysteriously figured out how to make a fridge, life-size door sculpture, coffee table, light switch, shower curtain, smartphone case, chocolate truffles, business card holder (big in Japan) and other sundry things depicting Han Solo frozen in carbonite, but not yet something to mold your morning Pop Tarts into that very shape, you at least need an inedible immobilized Solo screaming in terror until some marketing genius does invent a Pop-Tart mold that lets you bite his gaping face off.
Star Wars yoga posters
Nothing helps you get your zen on more than practicing yoga—especially when the one guiding you from Half Lord of the Fishes through Reverse Warrier is Darth Vader himself. Sci-fi stretching gets even weirder with Boba Fett, who mysteriously contorts himself in full bounty hunter armor, surprisingly flexible droids, Luke using Yoda as a Force-fortifying weight, and the most ironic of all, a Stormtrooper in the Goddess position. The only one who appears like all these body-bending movies come naturally to her (and is unencumbered by an extra fifty pounds of armor) is Slave Leia, because she actually looks like a dancer.
Adidas SneakerTrooper helmet
It’s a sneaker. It’s a helmet. No, it’s a helmet made of sneakers that looks like your old tennis shoes got recycled into a Stormtrooper. Which they did. But why? Apparently, this isn’t a piece of equipment meant to rough it on the football field or in the hockey rink. The helmet was an entry in The Star Wars Remix project, and used shoes from the exclusive Adidas x Star Wars collection to sculpt a piece of the Dark Side. In case you were wondering, it is totally wearable—for whoever had enough Imperial credit to win it on eBay for $2,125.
Light-up Death Star tree topper
Put a shining Death Star on the highest bough—because evil and destruction is really what the holidays are about, anyway. Darth Vader’s floating lair has been reimagined into a sinister glowing orb that lights up red and green. If Vader were to have any holiday spirit at all, he’d have installed a color-change illuminating function long, long ago, though it would have made visibility easier for Luke. It’s the perfect non-angel to have glowing atop your tree when you’ve already got that gargantuan inflatable Darth Vader lawn ornament outside. Just tell suspicious guests that’s no moon.
Jabba the Hutt beanbag chair
Every kid who ever existed in the ‘80s wanted a beanbag, but this is one of those things you’re probably relieved not to ever have had staring at you from the other side of your bedroom in the middle of the night. Whatever reasons marketing might have given for rejecting this prototype back then, there is no doubt the one in the back of everyone’s mind was that it’s just revolting. Sitting on the lap of “the biggest lounge lizard in the universe” is not exactly the best place to kick back with the latest Star Wars comic and a bowl of C-3P0’s.
Millennium Falcon toilet seat cover/light saber plunger set and Sarlacc Pit toilet stickers
Because dressing up your toilet lid to look like you’re taking off from Tattooine and then decking out the inside of the bowl to resemble a man-eating monster just so much more fashionable than that ring of radioactive blue toilet cleaner that just won’t scrub off. The only skepticism that remains besides the thought of toilet couture is whether these stick-on Sarlacc tentacles will clog your drain if they accidentally flush. If they do, there’s always a light saber plunger (of course it lights up, is that even a question?) to rescue them from the Dark Side of bathroom plumbing.
Ja-Jar Binks candy tongue
Who on Earth — or in the entire universe — would ever want to stick Jar Jar Binks’ tongue in their mouth is is a question that has haunted us since this kazoo-voiced cross of a dinosaur, a praying mantis and platypus waddled onto the screen as the most ridiculously terrifying extraterrestrial in The Phantom Menace. Even creepier is that the thing actually has taste buds. As if having a mouth full of Jar-Jar isn’t enough, his Gungan tongue is anatomically correct. If you absolutely have to know, it’s strawberry-flavored.
Star Wars Kama Sutra
This unholy incarnation of the centuries-old Kama Sutra features all the Star Wars action figures you collected as an innocent grade-schooler in compromising positions—and yes, even Chewie is included for the ultimate interspecies tantric experience. Among the highlights are the Clone War reenacted on a mattress, Boba Fett in bondage and plastic droids doing unmentionable things with their robotic limbs. Gift it with artisan chocolates and those “I will not be your father” condoms that blew up the internet last year. You will never look at Emperor Palpatine the same way again.
The ultimate nightmare fodder has landed on Earth in the form of a Furby that is supposed to be Chewbacca’s battery-powered doppelgänger. Just when you thought the cuddly-looking Ewoks who would happily roast you on a spit were terrifying enough, this alien robot flashes droids and spacecraft with its eyes and attempts to make Wookie noises and sing the Imperial Death March in Furbish. Exactly the kind of horror you want to wake up to (and possibly step on) in the middle of the night when you forgot to turn that infernal thing’s switch off.