A few weeks ago there was a meme making its way around the Twitterverse. What was the tagline of the number one film the day you were born? This is especially fascinating for me, as this is the year I turn 30 and either fall into an existential crisis from which there is no return or wake up the next morning with all my crap completely together. That's how it works, right? This is what I've been told and the world wouldn't LIE, right? RIGHT?
Anyway, as a November baby, I get two things in theaters: Disney princesses and Christmas movies, so it should not have surprised me that the number one movie the day I was born was the Bill Murray classic Scrooged, which was released unto the world on November 23, 1988, just four days before I would join it and
signal the coming apocalypse bring joy to my family and friends.
But here's the thing. Even though we've existed on this planet for the same amount of time, Scrooged and I have never crossed paths. And so we come here, to this Deja View, in which I attempt to discover exactly what I've been missing and see which of us is doing better 30 years on.
1. This movie is already off to an unexpected start … in the North Pole? Is this when we find out Santa is God?
2. Oh, wait … Santa is being shot at. The elves have an arsenal. Santa has an AK-47. I know this is gonna end up being very meta but is there a version of this fake movie within the movie that I can actually watch?
3. And now Lee Majors is here and Bob Goulet is singing Christmas Carols in New Orleans and this movie is officially very 1980s.
4. “Father Loves Beaver” is a show on this network. That is all.
5. Bill Murray keeps a mirror in his drawer to … practice smiling? I think? We’re three minutes in and I think he might be a sociopath.
6. This movie has dropped like a dozen names already AND Bobcat Goldthwait is here and I don’t know why it felt like it needed to convince us it was the coolest kid in the room but, hey …
7. You know the guy who tells you over and over he’s the youngest network president in history? Yeah, don’t be that guy.
8. I’m not used to Bobcat Goldthwait looking like Jimmy Olsen’s accountant.
9. Tab and Vodka. Breakfast of champions.
10. The owner of the network wants to start programming for pets and my cats would like to know why real-life networks aren’t catering to their needs. They like TV. Is it too much to ask for a little mouse every once in a while? Maybe some birds? A string?
11. I’m just gonna say it. I judge men who wear silk scarves.
12. You know, the original Dickens classic was really missing the exploding doors. And handguns. And John Forsythe as a … mummy? In golfing clothes? What do you think the handicap is for the undead?
13. There was just an extended joke about nipples and do I hate this movie?
14. At this point, I’m only sticking around because I was promised Carol Kane and YOU WILL NOT DENY ME.
15. And now Karen Allen is here and she is already too good for him AND this movie. Indiana Jones is out there. Sure, your relationship might be slightly creepy but go for the man with the bullwhip.
16. Judging from my experience with NYC taxis, one turning out to be an alcoholic Christmas ghost definitely tracks.
17. Bill Murray is really rocking the mullet/white turtleneck look.
18. Oh … oh no. He’s obsessed with television, makes constant jokes/references, and wants to work on Christmas Eve to advance his career to the detriment of his social life. Is … is he ME?
19. Nothing says Christmas in America like selling blood for money.
20. Carol Kane is some kind of cross between the Sugarplum Fairy and a sparkly avenging angel. She showed up and immediately kicked him in the balls. She’s my new best friend.
21. He’s getting upset with people for not knowing simple TV trivia and I do not like how this movie is judging me.
22. “Where are we, Trump Tower?” I know this was 30 years ago but TOO SOON.
23. I’m not one big demon. I’m three little demons standing on top of one another wearing some giant dude’s rib cage.
24. Holy crap. At least in the original version, Scrooge is only confronted with his own mortality in an abstract sense. This dude has to actually burn while inside his own casket? I know they were competing with Die Hard, but DAMN.
Here's the thing about this movie. I don't hate it. But I also don't love it? It's ... fine? But then, after three decades, isn't fine all we're really hoping for?