It's national treasure Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum's birthday on October 22, and thus we at SYFY FANGRRLS have dedicated the entire month to the celebration of our favorite moments, movies, outfits and noises from this absolute zaddy of a man. (And if you don't know what "zaddy" means, Google it, because Jeff Goldblum already knows.)
1. I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this movie in which Jeff Goldblum plays SATAN.
2. OK, I can believe I’ve never heard of this movie. It’s really strange and in need of a remaster because the sound is too quiet and the film is really dark, as in you can’t really see anything, but also dark, as in it’s about SATAN.
3. This movie begins with two teenagers driving a motorbike down the highway surrounded by what is probably cornfields. Because that is also the intro for Easy Rider, I thought I was watching the wrong movie for a second.
4. I’m NOT watching Easy Rider. These two guys find a dead body in a car they’re trying to steal, and honestly, I’m pretty sure that works better to put them on the right path than a million Scared Straight classes would.
5. That dead body is there because of Jeff Goldblum, it turns out. A police inspector — who will go on to be kind of major in this film and is named Detweiler and who has a mullet and beard like most cops do — shows up to question Jeff Goldblum about the kids saying they found a dead body in his car, to which Goldblum replies, sure, they just said that because I killed someone and kept the body in my car. Detweiler is like, oh well that clears that up WAIT WHAT.
6. You may have guessed by now that Jeff Goldblum is MR. FROST, murderer of people of all varieties. There is no record of his existence, but he lived in a pretty sweet house which he effectively filled with dead bodies. He is arrested, he goes to jail, the usual.
7. Cut to Dr. Sarah Day, A LADY. She is shooting a bow and arrow, and she makes her target. She smiles. A pretty random guy walks up to scold her for how inappropriate her smile is, and well that’s kind of just how people talk to Sarah for most of this film.
8. Jeff Goldblum isn’t just Jeff Goldblum anymore, he’s Jeff Goldblum with LONG HAIR. He is moved to the facility where Sarah Day: Psychoanalyst works. He refuses to speak to anyone, but he does not refuse to make flirty eyes at Sarah. They look at each other a lot of times while everyone else pretends it’s chill of them to do so.
9. Even though MR. FROST hasn’t spoken in two years, he speaks to Day just to let her know she’s the only one he’ll talk to because everyone else is jerks. Living up to the accusation, head doctor Reinhardt says, “He only likes you because you’re a girl.” Day gets mad and tries to tell him off but no one has her back so she has to leave.
10. It turns out Detweiler isn’t a cop anymore because he wanted his job to be stalking Mr. Frost and everyone that works on his case, pretty much. He shows up at the hospital to say, hey, listen, that guy is actual Satan, and Reinhardt says, “No. I cannot believe you or your mullet. You must leave.” Detweiler is like “god, you’re such a bummer!” and he bounces.
11. Day has her first session with Mr. Frost, which is literally just her and Jeff Goldblum making flirty faces at each other. It’s not super professional, but I mean… the top three buttons of his shirt are forever unbuttoned, so there’s not much she can do about it.
12. Everyone has a crush on Dr. Day. Her patients, her colleagues, Detweiler, Mr. Frost, me, you, basically everyone.
13. Day is weirdly flattered Frost will talk to her, and he starts referring to himself as the devil pretty openly around this time, which she ignores.
14. Day goes to question Detweiler and finds him hanging out in a church. He’s like, Frost is evil, and she’s like what do you mean by that, so he yells, “EVIL!” because explanations and yelling a single word are the same thing.
15. Detweiler says he was the last person besides Day that Frost talked to. Frost gave him a videotape of himself torturing his victims and apparently, Detweiler just hung onto it, which starts to give us an idea of why he might have gotten himself fired from the police. He tells Day that he and Frost had a chat in which it was revealed that Detweiler’s wife had cursed Detweiler as she died for not saving her. Honestly, Frost is pretty rude.
16. A young man named Christopher who was a patient of Day’s interacts with Jeff Goldblum for about 10 seconds, then escapes, goes home, shoots his dad, and goes on a killing spree shooting priests.
17. Frost tells Day his plan is to have her murder him so people can believe in God again instead of science because he as the Devil wants to be the GOAT. Pretty cut and dry.
18. Day’s formerly paralyzed brother Roland can suddenly walk again, which seems kind of suspect considering how much she’s been hanging out with Satan lately.
19. Day asks Detweiler to stay the night and he turns her down for reasons of he is a gentleman, even though she is way out of his league and he should probably not mess this up.
20. Instead, she has a sex dream about Mister Frost, who is, again, literal SATAN. But he's also Jeff Goldblum, and aye there's the rub.
21. Frost talks a bunch about how he’s super evil, but Day is not having it. She just rakes humanity and says, that’s evil, it’s just regular people hanging out. Day is actually incredibly bleak it turns out, so that’s probably why Satan likes her so much I guess.
22. Day laughs at Frost and calls him an actor trying to make a comeback when no one gives a damn and he gets SO MAD. He yells at her and she leaves.
23. Because Satan is mad at Day a dog almost kills Detweiler, this random guy named Frank gets drunk and tries to kill Day, and also Christopher the serial murderer jumps in front of a truck. It’s kind of a lot, but, OK, point taken.
24. Frost is mad so he starts hanging out with Reinhardt to make Day jealous and IT WORKS. She gets so jelly that Satan doesn’t like her anymore! Then Reinhardt goes to jump off a roof because, once again, Satan.
25. Day goes in to talk to Frost like, “OK, I believe you, can you stop being such a jerk about it?” Frost is like, “no, because, again, I’m literal Satan.” Reinhardt is fine, but no one else is.
26. Day shows up that night and just caps Goldblum, but it’s a huge bummer because that means now he can become her. She gets arrested but it’s all good because now she’s Satan. Detweiler is like, “What? Oh.” The end!