When did magic get so complicated? It used to be that I would simply draw a pentagram, say a mystical word, and -poof!- my computer monitor would be magically Degaussed. But now it seems there's an inordinately multi-layered ritual for everything, as evidenced by these "real" magic spells I dug up on the Internet.
Spell for Forgetting Something
The most popular spell cast by elephants, this spell is great for people who wish to experience all of the magical joys of early onset dementia.
This conjuration involves a black candle and a piece of paper upon which the secret is written. Each day, the incantator is supposed to erase one letter of the secret until the entire note is gone. At this point, the secret will be forgotten.
I tried this at home, but unfortunately erasing one letter per day from "I felt uncomfortably excited while watching the new Muppet Show reboot," just burned this shame into my long term memory.
Summon Helpful Dragonflies
It's a little known fact that the Egyptians built the pyramid thanks to the toiling labor of millions of dragonflies. Now you can enjoy the benefits of enslaving the hummingbirds of the insect world.
According to this spell, you place some sticks in a circle. Naturally, there's more, as doing this step alone will make dragonflies think you are trying to open a portal to Hell, or start a campfire. The key part comes with the incantation, which begins "Insect beings with delightful wings hear me sing this to you, I know you love the color blue." This tells the dragonflies two things: 1. You know their deepest thoughts (dragonflies really aren't that deep) and 2. Your complete destruction of poetic meter means you are not to be trifled with.
As with all of these spells, I tried it. Unfortunately, I forgot to open my office window, leading to the needless deaths-upon-impact of dozens of dragonflies.
Become Beautiful for Exactly One Day
Beauty is fleeting, sure, but for many people it's not fleeting enough. That's why there's a spell to become beautiful for exactly one day.
This spell involves drawing a pair of lips, then placing a lit candle in the middle of the drawing. Then one chants a bunch of stuff and burns some other stuff and invokes the god Adonis. It's all very scientific, you see.
I was going to try this, but got suspicious. How exactly would my beauty go away? Would this be like those tricky deals with the devil, wherein I enjoy a day of beauty before my face gets slashed by a broken bottle during a barfight? Or maybe I take a pool cue to the nose during a barfight? Or maybe a jealous bar bouncer breaks my jaw? I suppose I could just avoid bars, but then what would the point of becoming beautiful in the first place?
Make Someone Think They Are Ugly
Also known as "vanity insanity," this spell will provide all of the negative self-image cause by browsing any beauty magazine. I suspect people who cast this spell on a romantic rival will be sorely disappointed, as the only thing hotter than an attractive person is an attractive person who is humble about their looks.
This spell's ingredients are rather tricky, as they require nail clippings and hair from the victim (or, as professional enchanters call them, "the mark"). I figure that if I'm going to cut off a piece of someone's hair, I might as well just give them a really ugly haircut and skip a few magical steps.
Find out If Someone Is Gay
It's a poignant piece of irony that, despite experiencing centuries of persecution and witch-hunting, most sorcerers are extremely homophobic.
Or, at least, that's the only explanation I can derive for this "spell." I use the term spell in quotes, because it's less a magical conjuring than it is a weirdly direct phrase. According to this website and, I assume, thousands of years of carefully honed magic trial-and-error, one must simply chant "send me signs throughout the day to help me know if [person's name] is gay." The simplicity of this makes me wonder if something is left out. Like, maybe a double dutch jump rope or one of those paper fortune tellers 8-year-olds make.
This spell is supposed to help one gain an education. I was confused as to exactly how this happens. Like, do I go to sleep and the next day I wake up with a veterinary school diploma on my wall and a newfound ability to perform surgery on goats? So, like any discerning-minded purveyor of magic spells via the Internet, I turned to the reviews for more information.
"I was going to drop out of school because I was overwhelmed with too much homework," says one obviously-satisfied customer, "but after I cast an education spell one of my teachers quit and the guy who took over the class was a lot easier. Long story short, I got through the semester. Thanks Xara, you saved my life." I am left to assume that this is some sort of voodoo spell to be cast on one's professors. This totally solves the mystery of why tough professors at Hogwarts are frequently found dead from impact of falling frogs.
Change Your Eye Color
Back in the days before magic, people who wanted to change their eye color had to resort to complicated insertion of contact lenses/hydrochloric acid/other people's eyes. But thanks to the modern technology of magical incantations, changing one's eye color is as easy as typing in one's name and birth year. There's no real explanation of how this World Wide Web-enabled sorcerer does it, so maybe it does involve swapping your eyes with someone else. If you've got a stunning set of peepers, you should probably stay away from seedy magicians looking to make a buck.
Not only can you change your eyes, but you can apparently change someone else's eye color, too. This is totally my bag, because I have a whole hate list of people to whom I want to give pink eye.
Change Your Race
Let's face it, even though it's 2015, many people still make stereotypical assumptions based on race. In fact, shame of being white is why many Deep South gentlemen cover themselves in pointy hoods and full-length robes when they march in parades.
But, thanks to the magical efforts of an Internet persona known as Xara Beatrice Matsagou, receiving a race-changing spell is even easier than getting a Jheri Curl and a tan. Just tell her your name (or the name of the person to whom you want to give an ethnic makeover), and she'll make this happen quicker than you can say, "Why can those people say that word, but I can't?"
One happy client writes, ""How do I convey to you how much your skin spell changed my life? I can now go out in public without embarrassment. That's how much you have changed my life. Gracias."
Sex Change Spell
Now, you can have a sex change without the fear of subsequently committing vehicular manslaughter. Just consult Xara Beatrice Matsagou, and the next morning you'll wake up missing your old set of genitalia. You're probably going to have to throw out your sheets, though. The testimonials speak for themselves:
"Thank you! You are a miracle! I am now the woman I have always dreamed of being."
"I used to be a guy... then i used your sex change spell! Now I'm a beautiful woman, and I just have to say thank you!"
And the confusing, but perhaps still relevant, "My dad stopped smoking! Thank you!"
Also, this isn't really on-topic, but I'm pretty damn sure that Xara Beatrice Matsagou is also Dr. Sona Patel: Los Angeles' own "Doc 420" who sold me a medical marijuana prescription.
While I can't attest to her sex changing abilities, I can definitely say she delivered some magical experiences straight to my brain.
Bring Kindness Using the Power of Bees
This spell uses bee products to bring about kindness to one's life, or the life of others. Because everyone has read stories about how swarms of angry bees surround a person and do nice things to them.
The ingredients for this spell seem straightforward:
Small, clean, jar such as a baby food jar
Honey. Enough to fill the small jar
Paper. A small strip that will fit in the jar
Pen. To write the person(s) name on small strip of paper
Candle. To drip on jar lid for sealing
But this leaves me asking, "why can't I just buy a jar of honey? Do I have to buy a jar of honey, and a separate jar, then transfer the honey from one jar to another? Why is this so needlessly complicated?" But hey, needless complication is the secret ingredient to most magic spells, apparently.
This details a magical way to prevent intrusion into your building. Seems useful, until I read the semantically-obtuse fine print: "This spell will prevent the building from being a random target (although if they know you have more of what they want, it will be much less effective). If someone plans on invading the building, though, this spell will not work."
So, if I understand this correctly, I'm protected from a burglar who says "I'm going to roll a twenty-sided die and rob that number apartment." But I am not protected if someone specifically targets my apartment, presumably because it is a known hot spot for storing magic honey.
But hey, the spell creator does nothing if not inspire confidence in their incantation, which such choice comments as "I just cast it my first time the other day," and "I just tested it; knowing there was a spell, and planning burglary (of my own house, mind you), I still had trouble keeping even the notion of ill intent while heading for the door; my plans scattered like dust." So, the hard science is definitely there.
Rotten Eggs for Love
There comes a day in every post-pubescent sorcerer's life when they realize the secret to love. It's not charm, or honesty, or not being a neck-bearded weirdo who casts magic spells. The key to love is simply to interact with chickens and slowly-rotting eggs in a method that borders on obsessive-compulsive-disorder (but is still magic, mind you).
The spell is as simple as it is totally NOT ridiculous-sounding:
Take an egg from a hen that is all black and has never laid an egg before. Take the egg she laid on a Thursday. Take the egg on Thursday night after sunset, and bury it at the crossroads. And on Tuesday, take the egg from there after sunset. And buy a mirror (in trade for) for the egg, and bury the mirror at the same crossroads after sunset in Frau Venus' Namen ('in the name of Lady Venus') and say, 'allhie begrab ich diesen Spiegel in der Liebe, die Frau Venus zu dem Tannhaeuser hat' (Here I bury this mirror in the love that Lady Venus has for Tannhaeuser'). And let it lie there for three days, and take it out; and whoever looks into it will love you.
This is a great trick for Halloween, just egg some hottie's house for a combination great prank/classic love story.
Win Court Cases
I consider myself to be as experienced at law as any trial attorney. After all, I've spent a lot of time in court, mainly because whenever I try to leave, the bailiff drags me back. As such, I can tell you that the key to winning over a judge is to spit at them. But don't take my word for it, it's all described methodically in this magical enchantment:
Take a piece of the prepared Little John to Chew Root into court with you and chew on it during the hearing or trial, as if you were chewing on gum. Spit a bit of the "cud" on the floor when no one is looking, or rub it between your hands. In the old days, it was said that if you spat this mess where the judge would step in it, he would HAVE to find you "not guilty.".
Please note that you have to use the specific root of Little John being conveniently sold by the people promoting this magic spell. If you don't use that exact Little John root, you may find there are unintended consequences, such as the judge bending over to make his knees touch his elbows.
Heal a Female Wound Spell
For centuries, conjurers debated what was the most important ingredient for an effective potion to bring the dead to life. Some said Haitian crocodile teeth, others insisted it was eye of newt. Eventually, everyone came to the realization that the most important ingredient for resurrection is simply: A dead guy.
I couldn't help but recall this debate when reading the posted spell for "healing a female wound," which lists the following ingredients:
As simple as this recipe sounds, its execution is complicated by the fact that I have no idea what a female wound is. I asked my wife for a definition, but her answer was crude and immature. So, I typed in "female wound" into Google, then horrifically realized that I was actually in Google Images. After a lighthearted bout of projectile vomiting, I tried my search in Google proper. This brought up a smattering of Tumblr entries and Ani DiFranco song lyrics, none of which furthered my understanding of what a "female wound" was. If you have any idea, please post in the comments section what it is, and whether or not the posted magic spell is any good at healing it.
How To Undo an Accidental Voodoo Doll
It happens all the time to everyone, everywhere: You're innocently sticking pins into an effigy of a loved one, when you realize you've accidentally created a voodoo doll. Well, luckily, there's a way to disenchant your harmful creation. Unfortunately, this method seems to be extremely risky. Our expert magicians advise that you "take it apart in the exact reverse order the younger you (your past aspect) made it in the first place." That's easy advice to give, but what if our loved one's body starts unraveling because I un-stapled the hair from the scalp when we should've been removing the bubble gum holding the seams together (our voodoo dolls are really sloppy, okay?) We've actually found it easier to get our voodoo dolls mass-produced in China, what then? Can't we just soak the whole thing in honey or something?
I'm certain I missed a bunch of magical spells and rituals. Hell, I didn't even cover baseball. Feel free to share your favorite weird magical spells in the comments section.