It's national treasure Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum's birthday on October 22, and thus we at SYFY FANGRRLS have dedicated the entire month to the celebration of our favorite moments, movies, outfits, and noises from this absolute zaddy of a man. (And if you don't know what "zaddy" means, Google it, because Jeff Goldblum already knows.)
Since we're observing 31 Days of Jeff Goldblum, our latest Deja View is dedicated to one of the man's most iconic (and perhaps grossest) roles in 1987's The Fly, directed and co-written by David Cronenberg. This is not a movie for the faint of heart, nor the weak of stomach — but it is Jeff Goldblum at his absolute Jeff Goldblum-iest, combined with body horror and lots of shirtlessness. Entrez-vous!
1. Hello, old-school 20th Century Fox fanfare. Soon you will be no more and all we will have are these ‘80s movies to remember you by. Duuuuust in the wiiiiind…
2. Name any other on-screen couple who were as powerful at the time as Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis starring in a number of bangers: Transylvania 6-5000, The Fly, AND Earth Girls Are Easy.
3. Of COURSE these two ended up married for a hot minute while they were making all these movies. Like Laura Dern post-Jurassic Park, no one can resist the Goldblum’s siren lure for very long.
4. Goldblum has a very specific hairstyle in this movie. It’s not yet a mullet, not yet an ‘80s rocker ‘do. But it looks soft. So very soft.
5. Seth invites Ronnie back to his lab and offers to make her a cappuccino from his Faema. This must have been a case of life informing art, because Goldblum is exactly the type to fix a lady an espresso drink while showing off his piano-playing skills.
6. Meanwhile, I am LIVING for Ronnie’s fashion in this. When are oversized leather jackets going to come back in style?
7. Ronnie is supposedly a science journalist for something called Particle Magazine, but for the sole purpose of exposition, Seth has to explain the concept of teleportation to her. My disbelief, let me suspend it.
8. Ronnie finds her boss at her apartment taking a shower, and this is the scene where we also find out they used to date. I’m guessing Pam from HR had a field day trying to untangle this mess after they broke up.
9. Also this boss ex is named Stathis Borans, which a) is not a real name and b) sounds like a name that was thought up and then never used on Game of Thrones.
10. I’d never seen a baboon turned inside out before this movie, and now I’m never going to be able to unsee it.
11. Seth’s response to the baboon flip is “I’m going to have to learn more about the flesh,” followed by a lingering look in Ronnie’s direction. I’m not sure this is supposed to be a pick-up line, but apparently it works for Ronnie, because she goes from zero to straddling in less than five minutes.
12. Too many fictional female journalists sleep with their subjects, but not all of their subjects look like Jeff Goldblum. It’s understandable.
13. Oh, and boss ex Stannis Baratheon has taken to stalking Ronnie, which absolutely doesn’t violate all the personal and professional boundaries in existence. He gets mad about Ronnie sleeping with Seth and then gets in a jab about Seth’s penis, which is supposed to be an insult but only comes off as being jealous of its size. Because we know Seth must be packing.
14. We are all Baboon Number Two in this scenario, wanting to be cradled in Jeff Goldblum’s loving embrace.
15. Seth convinces himself Ronnie has left him for Stanley Bumpkin, so he gets drunk and waxes poetic to the baboon before deciding to take a naked ride in the teleporter for funsies. Of course a fly gets in there too, and I think I already know where this is going.
16. The baboon jumps into Seth’s arms again, this time while he’s naked. We get it, baboon.
17. Apparently, some of the early side effects of teleporting with a fly are bristly back hairs, excellent reflexes, incredible gymnastic ability, intense sugar cravings, and raging sexual energy. The back hairs you can just shave, so I’m not seeing the downside here yet.
18. It should also be noted that post-Fly Seth looks extremely ripped. What’s back hair when you’ve got a glistening Goldblum parading around the apartment doing flips and tucks?
19. Okay, I take that back. Seth is turning into a mean boyfriend and no girl deserves to be yelled at no matter how good he looks with his shirt off.
20. He’s also starting to get a bit pimply, and at one point he breaks some guy’s arm in an arm-wrestling match in the ultimate display of toxic masculinity. Is turning into a fly supposed to be like going on steroids?
21. I am also Not Here for a man who would send Ronnie packing at the slightest disagreement because she is glorious and a vision in red when she shows up to confront Seth about his issues.
22. Forget about eating while watching this movie, because if the first half with cheeseburgers and shirtless Goldblum made you hungry, the second half with Seth REMOVING HIS OWN FINGERNAILS will disabuse you of that notion. Reader, I nearly barfed.
23. “I might be contagious somehow,” Seth tells Ronnie after inviting her over to his apartment after four weeks of no contact. He might be a scientist, but he is not very bright sometimes. Maybe it’s the fly brain.
24. Biggest understatement of the year.
25. Ronnie hugs Seth even when his ears start falling off because she is Ronnie and none of these men actually deserve her, especially not Steamlord Birkenstock, who talks Ronnie into recording the new “Brundlefly” for reasons which remain unknown at this point.
26. Also, Ronnie is pregnant, but she doesn’t know if it’s with a Fly-baby or not. That’s the real body horror of the film, tbh.
27. Brundlefly looks absolutely hideous, but the truth of the matter is that this film had to turn Goldblum into a giant monster to make him look less appealing. Any movie that can do that deserves the Oscar for Best Makeup (which it won, coincidentally).
28. Seth offering to show Ronnie his medicine cabinet full of now-useless organs is a mood. A very specific, very gross mood.
30. The other problem with this movie is that once Seth becomes a monster, the story wants to try to convince us that Staph Borat is the Good Guy now. I refuse to fall for this trickery!
31. Ultimately, it is very satisfying to watch Brundlefly puke on Status Blunderbuss until various body parts dissolve and fall off.
32. Brundlefly’s Big Plan is to teleport simultaneously with Ronnie and their unborn baby in what is supposed to be the ultimate joining but really just sounds deranged. We have truly passed the point of all logic.
33. In the end, Brundlefly does the right thing and asks Ronnie to put him out of his misery, which she does while sobbing heartily. I’d cry too if I had to put down Jeff Goldblum in any incarnation, even if he had turned into a giant slobbering insect.
34. This movie became a tragedy and now I am sad. I’m going to have to watch Goldblum in Jurassic Park to cheer me from this depression.