35 thoughts we had while watching the pilot of Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman

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Mar 28, 2018, 1:03 PM EDT

I watched Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman every week with my dad, who bequeathed to me my nerdity. From the ages of 8 to 12 years old, I watched this program on a weekly basis, and what I learned upon this viewing of the pilot is that I remembered almost nothing. I do not remember this iteration of Jimmy Olsen, I do not remember Cat Grant, and I certainly do not remember the special effects that are painful even for 1993 network television.

Join me on this Deja View journey 25 years into the past, when, according to the box for the Season 1 DVD (borrowed from my dad, who owns the whole series, natch), "what the world of computers, feminism and double lattés needs is a SUPERMAN!" Really, it says that.

  1. The first sounds we hear at the Daily Planet are typewriters and dot matrix printers. Our intro to Lois Lane is her returning from going undercover as a man to bust…a dog ring? I think? I don’t know, but Lois is a badass.


  2. Perry White mocked her request for a raise in front of the whole staff and everyone is all "LOL, banter."
  3. Clark steps off the bus from Smallville with a giant CK on his suitcase, so we know that’s his favorite cologne.


  4. We only get five minutes of Lois being cool and awesome before they put her in a jealous cat fight with Cat Grant (who is dressed like an actual cat). Slut-shaming and sex work jokes: the ‘90s!


  5. A homeless man runs in to tell Lois that a spaceship is going to explode. Also there is a very dramatic space station lady talking about the launch like it’s made of dying puppies and I feel like she’s involved in whatever dramatic action story will happen at some point.


  6. Clark is going to be handed a job, because that Lois Lane is just so frustrating and plays by her own rules like some kind of lady maverick and it’s stressing Perry out to the point of arrhythmia. 
  7. Clark literally floats up to fix his light in the literal concrete cell he's living in.


  8. He also walks on his walls like Lionel Richie in the "Dancing on the Ceiling" video just to pass the time.


  9. Clark types so fast that smoke comes out of his fingers so he can tell the story of the hat lady in the theater that got turned into a parking lot. Also Clark loves Chekov. A lot is happening in this show. Also on this woman's head.


  10. Lois kind of hates Clark, probably because he was literally handed a job for writing about hat lady when hat lady was technically supposed to be her story. Dramatic space lady wants to bang Clark. Lois doesn’t trust her. I don’t either, because she’s a dramatic space lady.
  11. Cat Grant is wearing bondage wear to work. It is certainly a choice.


  12. Lex Luthor enters to a thunderclap and then another one happens basically every time his name is said. He’s the Frau Blucher of this show.
  13. The plot of this episode involves the evil of privatizing space travel, right down to a thunderclap as Lex says “Space Station Luthor.” 1993 is all THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN, LULZ.
  14. That said, Lex can get it.


  15. A man in a turban is trying to kill Lex with a snake. Lex is trying to reason with the snake through mindpowers. 


  16. I don’t know what’s happening honestly. I think it’s racist but also I don’t know what’s going on. This is a weird show, guys.


  17. Cat Grant is still dressed like a cat, and like a cat, she is basically presenting her butthole to Clark 24/7.


  18. Dramatic Space Lady is OBVIOUSLY banging Lex Luthor, who is wearing a sex ascot. Lex is having to explain why Clark Kent is nothing to him, which is hilarious because at this point Clark is literally nothing. He’s brand new and the only thing he’s written about is Hat Lady from Torn Down Theater. He just Wears Glasses and Large Paisley Ties. That’s his whole bag.
  19. Clark just flew to China to bring Chinese food to Lois. The show didn't have the budget to show that so they literally showed a map instead. But I want to discuss the PHYSICS here. He did that REALLY fast. Like the food was still hot. And he flies back to Smallville a couple times a week to have dinner with his parents. So a) how fast can he fly, and b) why did he arrive on a damn bus?
  20. Ugh, Dean Cain was hot. He is a Fox News type who is as we speak mocking Parkland survivors on Twitter, but, man, dude was bangin’.


  21. Oh. Oh okay.


  22. Clark is asking Ma Kent to make him a “disguise”  of some kind to save people in, and I don’t think she heard the “disguise” part because spoiler: this outfit won’t disguise sh-t.
  23. Oh look, it’s all the people of color in this whole series.


  24. Lex is trying to avoid a line of questioning by giving Lois champagne and telling her she’s “so tense” and finally implying he’ll trade his story for her body. He's clearly awful, but Clark is standing outside her apartment like a GD CREEP. Lois’ eyes literally roll into the back of her head over this douche broseph of a Lex Luthor, and Clark is FLOATING OUTSIDE HER WINDOW TO CREEP FURTHER. It’s all weird. It’s a weird show.


  25. Also, her sister is dressed in a look from the Kim Davis collection and she gives unsolicited massages like Buster Bluth.


  26. “You said I would never be implicated.” GIRL you went on TV all Dramatic Space Lady and you’re running around with that haircut. You KNEW.
  27. Lois beats an assailant with her purse like a goddamn Monty Python character before the dramatic reveal of Dramatic Space Lady, except it’s neither dramatic nor a reveal because we just saw Dramatic Space Lady grab her gun and knew this was about to happen.
  28. “Now, the piece on the recent sex change operation of the Royal Family. I kind of have mixed feelings.” Look. I get that in 1993 sex change jokes were THE RAGE but what does this mean? The whole family got gender confirmation surgery? All of them? Or they all together got *one*? I don’t get it. Also, while I typed this there was a “when are you coming out of the closet” joke from Perry to Clark and 1993 was both so long ago and not long ago.
  29. I kind of love this show and hate it at the same time. But I think mostly I love it? Or hate? I genuinely don’t know the difference. But my confusing feelings are strong, whatever they are.
  30. Okay, so what I’m seeing here is that this facsimile of the JPL has spigots of murder chemicals like it’s Roger Rabbit or something. 
  31. Apparently, Dramatic Space Lady died in an exploding helicopter and I have no idea when she got in it. The Daily Planet is having a literal party about it with literal balloons and literal party hats, literally.
  32. “If I have an effective disguise, I won’t have to worry about people finding out about me.” OH SHIT IT’S A MONTAGE. Right down to “Holding Out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler.


  33. “Well one thing’s for sure, no one’s gonna be looking at your face.” “Mom!” “Well, they don’t call ‘em tights for nothin’.” JUST MA KENT TALKIN’ ABOUT THAT D*CK, NOTHING WEIRD.


  34. “Oh, that’s right. What if somebody recognizes you?” UM, MOM HE SAID HE WANTED A DISGUISE. If someone recognizes him, that’s on you, Martha. 
  35. BRB, back to creepin’. Creepin’ on Lex and his mock turtleneck. 

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