Back in the golden age of Blockbuster, my Friday nights were filled with whatever weird fantasy films I could get my hands on. I mean, were you even an '80s/'90s kid if you didn’t get nightmares from The Dark Crystal, The Last Unicorn, or The Pagemaster? While I would stumble into a lifelong fandom around middle school, my first exposure to Middle-earth was the 1977 animated TV movie The Hobbit.
It is an imperfect adaptation, but it’s charming and trippy and worth a watch for superfans. I hadn’t watched it in over two decades but decided to revisit for a Deja View. Will Thorin still be a useless jackass? Is Gandalf still the best wizard of all time? Will it make me forget the bloat of The Hobbit trilogy? Let’s dive in.
1. I will contend that out of all of the fictional lifestyles, being a hobbit would be my absolute first choice. Sure, you’ve got to deal with all the hair, but eating snacks, reading books, and being cozy 24/7 sounds IDEAL.
2. Gandalf popping out from behind that tree the second Bilbo lit up some Old Toby is every dude at a house party who bogarts the bong and doesn’t make a contribution to the weed fund. I appreciate your dedication to chill, Gandalf, but this is a party foul.
3. As much as I didn’t love Peter Jackson’s take on The Hobbit, Sir Ian McKellen as Gandalf is my all time favorite performance, so I am having some trouble accepting this imposter.
4. One nice thing about this version: none of the dwarves are weirdly hot. Listen, Aidan Turner is a babe forever, but dwarves don’t need to make you horny. They just don’t.
6. “May the hair on your toes never fall out” is definitely my new email sign off.
7. One thing missing from the live action trilogy? A folk theme song. An entire soundtrack of folk jams, to be exact.
8. At the first promise of treasure, Bilbo has a dream about being king. #relatable
9. “No hat, no stick, no pipe, not even a pocket handkerchief! How can one survive?!” Bilbo is me when my friends want to go to the club.
10. I would never survive a quest. Sleeping on the ground in the rain, stomach wagging like an empty sack. I would be the first to get eaten by the trolls for sure.
11. There is a lot of debate about who is the superior wizard: Gandalf or Dumbledore. Honestly, if you don’t think that Gandalf is the best, we can’t be friends.
12. I’m not sure why Bilbo has the same haircut as your Amish aunt, but I’m glad he’s living his truth and that the Middle-earth humidity isn’t totally wrecking his lewk.
13. I’m sure that I will grow tired of these expositional folk songs by the end of the movie, but for now, I love them with my whole heart.
15. Ah yes, now we get to the section that ruined my life as a wee lass. The goblins and their horrible split esophagus. NO THANK YOU (their song is a banger, though).
16. Again, Andy Serkis’ Gollum is the definitive version, but this animated version is creep city. The giant dull eyes and hoarse voice will probably give me flashback nightmares, but it’s worth it.
18. Once again, Beorn gets the shaft. JUSTICE FOR THE BEAR MAN.
19. Eagles ex machina.
20. Bilbo’s bitchy journaling is giving me life. “I couldn’t argue! My contract is vague on several points!” Always read that fine print, boi.
21. Which kind of spider is worse: slimy or hairy? Normally I would be #TeamHairy, but these cackling arachnids’ beards are making me second guess that choice.
22. Remember when I foolishly said that I didn’t need anyone to be hot in this movie? Now that we’ve met the Mirkwood elves, I take it back. I miss Lee Pace.
23. I get that they are focused on their treasure, but the dwarves should be asking Bilbo more questions. Like, how are you not locked up? How are you invisible? “I’m just a really great burglar” seems insufficient.
25. While the love triangle was ill-advised, I’ve got to give credit where credit is due: at least Peter Jackson tried to add some women to this story. We have yet to see a single female character, and there are only 20 minutes left. Not even in a crowd scene. I get that Tolkien was a Catholic academic, but come on. WOMEN ARE NOT A NEW INVENTION.
26. Smaug’s feline features are… a choice. The animators were clearly dog people.
27. “The chiefest and greatest of calamities.” New Tinder bio, natch.
28. “Dazzling! Marvelous! Perfect! Flawless! Staggering! Magnificent!” Bilbo is every drunk girl making friends in the bar bathroom on a Friday night and I love him.29. God, the dwarves are even more worthless in this version. Gandalf and Bilbo should have just done the quest on their own.
30. “This breeze is strangely warm for autumn,” says Bard as he is an inch away from a major wardrobe malfunction.
31. I appreciate the fact that they stayed true to the novel in Smaug’s death. Being taken down by a relatively ordinary arrow feels more poignant than whatever ballistic monstrosity was in The Battle of Five Armies.
32. I’m not sick of the soundtrack yet. It’s SO ‘70s and SO CHILL.
33. How! Do! You! Not! Realize! Two! Massive! Armies! Rolling! Up! To! Your! Crib!
34. I cannot express to you how fancy and elaborate Thranduil’s armor is. It makes Lee Pace’s spangled suit and giant elk look relatively restrained.
35. There’s got to be something between Jackson’s CGI orgy and literal dots moving around on a static landscape.
36. Bilbo continues to be the most relatable fictional character of all time by taking a nap and missing all of the action. Bless his pacifist heart.
37. “Child of the kindly West.” Sometimes my childhood fondness for Tolkien makes me forget the more… problematic parts…
38. I get that he wasn’t sure of its origin, but Gandalf was AWFULLY cavalier with the Ring.
39. Screw mid-century modern. My design aesthetic is modern-day hobbit hole. Give me coziness or give me death.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are the author's, and do not necessarily reflect those of SYFY WIRE, SYFY, or NBC Universal.