transylvania65000-hero

39 thoughts we had while watching Transylvania 6-5000

Contributed by
Oct 5, 2018

It's national treasure Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum's birthday on October 22, and thus we at SYFY FANGRRLS have dedicated the entire month to the celebration of our favorite moments, movies, outfits and noises from this absolute zaddy of a man. (And if you don't know what "zaddy" means, Google it because Jeff Goldblum already knows.)

Since we're observing 31 Days of Jeff Goldblum, that means getting into some Goldblum deep cuts. Having never seen Transylvania 6-5000 before, a film many FANGRRLS look at with the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia, I decided it was worth a Deja View. Spoiler: I have so many regrets.

  1. Oh hell yeah, this movie is already down with the synthness. 
     
  2. Oh nope, nevermind, no, it’s not. It’s instead decided to go with the bold move of being completely silent.
     
  3. “Rape is a big grabber.” Wow, I miss the silence.
     
  4. So this movie is very IN MEDIA RES but what I’m gathering is that Ed Begley Jr. and Jeff Goldblum work at a tabloid/factory where they make costumes for Screech Powers which is the only explanation for anything on either of their bodies. What is this funfetti-ass sweater vest, Ed? And Jeff’s pants are more crotch than pant. His crotch is longer than his actual shirt. His jacket is from the David Byrne “casual Friday” collection. 

    transylvania65000-clothes

     
  5. Everyone is yelling. So many yellings. This movie has started at a 9 in terms of slapstick and volume and unless it’s just an episode of America’s Funniest Home Video after this, I’m not sure what comes next.
     
  6. “Crap? I like crap. I love crap. I need crap! Crap is what sells newspapers! Look around ya! Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!” - an actual line from this actual film. 
     
  7. Man, I miss title tracks of dumb comedies and this one is BRINGING IT, courtesy of an off-brand Thomas Dolby. Dignity is for suckers. A nonsensical title track is for WINNERS. It makes no sense and it doesn’t CARE. 
     
  8. Jeffrey Jones is in this because it’s the ‘80s and MAN we do not talk enough about how tainted literally every movie we love is purely due to his presence. 
     
  9. Goldblum BE CREEPIN’ in this movie. He is just fully stalking this single mother and her feathered bangs and ignoring rejection ENTIRELY.
     
  10. Oh no. Oh no. There is a laughter montage and it’s my nightmare. Someone is laughing like a dolphin. They are laughing very hard. It’s Transylvania. You’d think this would come up often enough that you just roll your eyes and move on.
     
  11. Y’all what the f*ck is this movie. 

    transylvania65000-puppet

     
  12. So Jeffrey Jones is not even TRYING to do an accent here, which is bonkers because most of his part is ADR so I feel like he tried even less on set. 
     
  13. Speaking of trying, this movie is doing entirely too much. I’m exhausted and we’re not even 20 minutes in. 
     
  14. Carol Kane in her full Simka glory is delivering the most understated performance in the movie so far and also far and all the way away the best. Her butler husband hates her a lot for reasons we don’t know or care. Everything is terrible except Carol. 
     
  15. OH MY GOD, THIS IS AN ENTIRE SCENE OF MICHAEL RICHARDS ASKING ED BEGLEY TO SMELL THINGS AND IT WILL NOT END AND HOLY BUTTS THERE’S AN HOUR AND 13 MINUTES LEFT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING OR WHO IS WHO OR WHY IS ANYTHING AND I REGRET ALL OF IT.
     
  16. This movie is trying to be latter-day Mel Brooks with every character written to be played by Harvey Korman so everyone is Kormaning up a storm and no one is succeeding. 
     
  17. Goldblum and Begley are doing some manner of Three Stoogey Laurel and Hardy-ry and god DAMN this is painful. They’re both doing THEIR BEST.
     
  18. So blonde bangs lady tried to reject Goldblum at the beginning but apparently gave up and now they’re on a dinner date because a woman rejecting a man in a movie is just to show that she's a live wire and an independent woman with a personality without needing to or having any interest in showing that personality because she's just a breast vessel. Also, she’s just left an abusive marriage and Goldblum is acting like she’s weird or crazy and this movie is doing GREAT. Everything is FINE.
     
  19. I take literally everything back. Geena Davis is here and she’s this and now everything is actually GREAT and FINE.

    transylvania65000-geena-davis

     
  20. Michael Richards is in this movie and I haven’t talked about him yet because I literally don’t know what is happening wrt this specific character. He’s just very violently assaulting our heroes(?) by making them watch him slip on banana peels or attacking them with fake limbs. I genuinely don’t know why. I know this movie has made me so very tired.
     
  21. This movie was scored by a Yamaha synthesizer and a single finger.
     
  22. There’s a running joke of Carol Kane getting thrown down the stairs. I think. They’re filmed weird and only indicated through sound effects. This is not a good movie.
     
  23. Do less, movie. Do. Less. 

    transylvania65000-michael-richards

     
  24. Is this what drugs are like? Is this movie what it’s like to do a drug?

    transylvania65000-richards

     
  25. Imagine a college improv class given free Monster Energy and diet pills. That’s basically every single performance in this movie.
     
  26. Meanwhile, there’s still this “romantic” subplot happening with the Feather Bangs who keeps rejecting Jeff Goldblum and is also a terrible mother whose child just keeps disappearing into the woods or a game of airplane with Ed Begley Jr.
     
  27. But it’s a good thing she has this hat or the top of her head might be in real trouble.

    transylvania65000-hat

     
  28. Good thing we’re getting a 20-minute “looking for the kid we don’t know or care about” scene. It’s important to the…plot, I guess, is what they probably would call this.
     
  29. I don’t know how to make any clearer how ploddingly slow this movie is other than to tell you this scene is literally 84 seconds long and it’s just THIS for that entire unsped-up time.

    transylvania65000-sped up

     
  30. I’m so embarrassed. For everyone.
     
  31. It’s possible Jeff Goldblum has never seen a human scream before. Which, in fairness, why would he? 

    transylvania65000-scream

     
  32. There are so many accents. I can’t parse a single one. It’s like Long Island meets Romania meets Robitussin meets “give me my check please.” 
     
  33. There is more mugging in this movie than there is movie.
     
  34. Have you ever accidentally played a podcast at half speed? This movie is like that but with a Benny Hill sketch. It’s very stupid and trying very hard but also lazily so, like everyone is wearing ankle weights and coated in orange soda and took a whole bunch of Benedryl. 
     
  35. This child is so fine being kidnapped. NBD. 

    transylvania65000-kidnapping

     
  36. We’ve got 11 minutes left, we’ve got a torch mob, and we still have no idea what the deal is with the wolf-man, Geena Davis or that weird stretchy dude who grabbed Begley’s crotch. 
     
  37. Sigh. 

    transylvania65000-sigh

     
  38. OK so no one is actually a monster, everyone is just disabled or has hypertrichosis or is Geena Davis (she has low self-esteem and likes attention, COOL) and also this movie just made fun of a child and called him ugly for having some manner of voluntary scoliosis. This movie is a mess.
     
  39. And now it’s over. BUT I AM CHANGED.

Make Your Inbox Important

Get our newsletter and you’ll be delivered the most interesting stories, videos and interviews weekly.

Sign-up breaker
Sign out: