40 thoughts I had while watching Queen of the Damned

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Nov 20, 2017, 12:46 PM EST (Updated)
I don't know what I was expecting for my first-ever viewing of Queen of the Damned, but whatever I was expecting was not the glorious trip back into the nu metal, Hot Topic-y world of the early aughts the movie is.
Because it is a DELIGHT. A buttrock DELIGHT blessed by the shimmering, heart-eating presence of Aaliyah. And here are just a few thoughts I had while watching it.
1. This coffin is like a spooky Halloween version of Han Solo trapped in carbonite and I’m writing it into my will that I want one.


2. Cutaways to nu metal and pierced nipples is so perfectly early aughts and I am living for it.

3. Oh my god Leather Pants Lestat is sitting on an amp singing and I’m literally dying.


5. THE BAND IS CALLED THE VAMPIRE LESTAT. THERE IS MERCH. I’m so happy right now. So happy.

6. Stuart Townsend in this movie looks exactly like Keira Knightley. Like exactly.


7. Lestat’s couch is so amazingly the couch version of this movie’s Lestat that I can’t handle it. It’s an open-shirted douche of a couch.


8. There’s crawling and lion skin rugs and terrible special effects and this is my heaven. This is my version of heaven. Why is this movie only 102 minutes when it should be eternal and never-ending?

9. Young Marguerite Moreau wants to stay with creepy Aunt Lena Olin who cries blood tears and fills her bedroom with nightmare dolls, and frankly, who wouldn’t?

10. 90% of this movie’s soundtrack is the sound of passing a kidney stone.

11. I need an entire support group dedicated to discussing Paul McGann’s hair in this movie. It is like a very strange and terrible hat made of felt that someone set on his scalp and then walked away into the sea.


12. I can’t decide if this jacket is more Michael Jackson or sassy aunt on a riverboat casino but either way I want it.


13. Lestat’s ponytail in a little ribbon is so cute, you guys.


14. People in vampire movies attempting to talk around their fake teeth is one of my favorite things in the world.

15. Lestat just killed a beach girl because his violin skillz were too powerful. “Forgive me. For my skillz.”

16. Now there’s slow-motion sexy violining while he tries to seduce an Aaliyah statue and it’s all very specific but very very good.

17. Marguerite Moreau putting on a fancy coat and Gwen Stefani pigtail buns to infiltrate a vampire club is my new aesthetic.


18. I am full-on LOLing at this.

19. Lestat is wearing a crushed velvet black coat and honestly this movie is pure coat and jacket porn.

20. Lestat has a painting of himself next to his coffin bed. It’s so on brand.


22. She ripped out a man’s heart and ate it and she’s setting people on fire with her mind and honestly I’m heartbroken there’s only 46 minutes left of this movie.

23. But I’m so grateful for the opportunity to create my new favorite gif.

24. What’s happening. Guys what’s happening. Are they flying? Is this Aladdin? I literally don’t know what just went on but I know I’m on board with it.

25. These are not practical outfits for a walk in the park.


26. Wait what did she think being a vampire involved if not biting people and sucking their blood? You’re not a very good vampire hunter and scholar, Marguerite Moreau.

27. Fun fact: This movie wasn’t shot on film. It was shot on mesh, leather, and coats.

28. Like if you’re wondering what 2002 was like, it was this. Just all the time. I went to Hot Topic A LOT during this period, so I would know.

29. The special effects in this scene are somewhere between Lifetime Movie and Hallmark Movie only spooky.

30. Aaliyah rising up from the stage like Destiny’s Child at the Super Bowl and I’m so into it.

31. I mean I wasn’t expecting the dramatic pan up to the Queen of the Damned’s home to be a lovely hacienda-style LA manse but it’s very nice. No one says an immortal ancient vampire can’t enjoy some good natural lighting and vintage tile work.

32. Do vampires shower? I ask because Stuart Townsend has worn nothing but leather pants this entire movie and I feel like he is just fully marinated and it cannot be a good situation down there.

33. I have no idea what Lestat’s motivations are. He’s all pearl clutchy that she killed a bunch of people like, BITCH THAT’S YOUR JOB. YOU HAVE BEEN DOING IT THE WHOLE MOVIE. No one in this movie knows how vampires work including vampire scholars and actual vampires.

34. Aaliyah’s midriff could honestly bring about world peace.


35. I like the inclusion of Marguerite Moreau’s bra strap as she gets bitten by Lestat. Death by vampire is no excuse for going without proper lift-and-separate support.

36. The Queen died so hard her jewelry changed colors.

37. They’re going to be Swiffering up queen dust for WEEKS.

38. OK that statue does not look like Lena Olin even a little bit. It kind of looks like Mary McDonnell.


39. If someone bites Paul McGann and makes him a vampire will it maybe give him better hair? Also, Stuart Townsend’s hair in this movie is Eighth Doctor hair and I respect it. Just give the man his hair back.

40. This movie was just a giant shirtless Korngasm of a movie. I feel greasy and the world smells like Parliaments and velvet and I just want to lace this movie up like a corset and wear it with my Manic Panic-ed pigtail buns and LIVE FOREVER.

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