It's national treasure Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum's birthday on October 22, and thus we at SYFY FANGRRLS have dedicated the entire month to the celebration of our favorite moments, movies, outfits and noises from this absolute zaddy of a man. (And if you don't know what "zaddy" means, Google it, because Jeff Goldblum already knows.)
In celebration of our latest favorite monthly observance, 31 Days of Jeff Goldblum, we're taking a walk down Memory Lane into the long and storied past of his legendary acting career. Some of these films are worth revisiting. Some, as is the case for our latest Deja View, are most definitely not. Still, for Jeff Goldblum, we boldly trek into the good, the bad, and the just plain terrible.
1. Any movie that starts off with a church choir singing in the background is a cue that we’re going to get into some heavy psychological sh*t here.
2. Hideaway!Jeremy Sisto doesn’t listen to the wimpy-soft Cranberries here like he does in Clueless. Nah, you know his character (also named Jeremy, not confusing at all) is really a bad boy because it’s ALL HARD ROCK ALL THE TIME, DUDE.
3. He also happens to be speaking in tongues and performing some light Satanic worship that culminates in him murdering his mom and sister and committing suicide? Hard rock is the gateway to the Devil. We all knew this already.
4. According to this film, human souls look HORRIFYING and moan a lot? Oh, and Hell is essentially a giant Sarlacc pit. Or a vagina. Or both. It remains unclear.
5. The first shot we get of Goldblum is his character Hatch grilling burgers on the lake in some very impressive knitwear. A man’s man.
6. You can tell Goldblum is really committing to the role of a capital-D Dad in this because at one point he actually utters the line, “I’m not too keen on the rave scene” when you know the real Goldblum would be all over that ish.
7. The other thing you need to know about this film is that Goldblum’s daughter Regina is played by none other than Alicia Silverstone. She wants to go to said rave even though she’s only 15, which seems ill-advised at best.
8. Hatch pulls the dad move where he throws a protective arm across his wife Lindsay (the amazing Christine Lahti) as their car collides with an oncoming truck, STILL wearing that amazing sweater. I’ll admit it; I swooned.
9. Not only does their car fall down a cliff, it gets swept into a roaring river. I was not expecting the DRAMA.
10. Hatch briefly goes to Heaven and also merges with an angel for a hot minute? No lie, you know this is what would happen with real-life Jeff Goldblum too.
11. It doesn’t matter if you look like Jeff Goldblum or not; Hatch in soul form is still terrifying. Insert a lot of moaning sound effects here as well.
12. There’s also a lot of moaning when Hatch bangs his wife (heyyoooo), at which point I’m pretty sure he sees the face of God? Isn’t that the premise of that Nine Inch Nails song?
13. Anyway, turns out being brought back to life after two hours means that Hatch has acquired some super sekrit vision powers, in which he sees what he thinks is himself murdering a woman but I’m guessing is Jeremy back from Hell somehow. Spoooooky.
14. Regina leaves the house in a shirt that says “Sh*t Happens” and I don’t know of any school anywhere that wouldn’t immediately send her back home to change. And all Lindsay says is, “Looking good”?! I have concerns about how that child is being raised.
15. Hatch quiets a crying baby with the power of his gentle touch. Again, not really seeing the distinction between real life and fiction here in terms of the Goldblum.
16. Another side effect of resurrection is apparently sensitivity to bright lights? Hatch is turning into a Gremlin.
17. Welp, there’s another downside to having the second sight: Hatch is sharing his visions with Jeremy, and inadvertently gives him one of Regina. Guess we know how Elton’s obsession with Cher came into being.
18. I know this is supposed to be very serious but I can’t get over how buttery Hatch’s leather jacket looks in this scene.
19. The hilarious upside to Hatch seeing himself through the eyes of the killer is that we get Jeff Goldblum at one point in full-on proto-Matrix clothing, complete with long black coat and Neo-lite sunglasses. Ah, the ‘90s.
20. So resurrected-Jeremy’s name is now Vassago and he introduces himself to Regina like he’s a reject from a season of The Pickup Artist. He’s also wearing way too much Chapstick in this scene and I can't stop thinking about how slimy his lips must be.
21. Just when you think Regina might be under Vertigo’s sway, her BFF Linda comes to the rescue and tells him in no uncertain terms to eff off. Girls, get you a Linda when a creep is on the hunt.
22. It is now that we learn, interspersed with shots of Hatch groaning in bed (thanks, movie), where the title of the movie comes from: “hideaway” is Vitiligo’s man cave at an abandoned amusement park where he takes all of his victims. So quaint and yet so disturbing.
23. Pro-tip: if a guy asks if you want to see his sculpture, it’s either a) a euphemism or b) a literal shrine of dead bodies. Decline every time.
24. The most unrealistic aspect of this movie is that people don’t believe Hatch when he claims to have visions yet Goldblum is definitely the type of individual who would be plugged into the spirit world. Just saying.
25. Jeez, lay on the symbolism a little more, why don’t you.
26. This movie is objectively terrible but it’s consistently putting Goldblum in quality sweaters and for that, I can only continue to be grateful.
27. This movie also gives us Jeremy Sisto looking directly into camera while laughing maniacally, if that’s something you’re into. No judgment here.
28. The quote that captions this moment? “Okay, f*ckhead, here I come.” You can’t write this. Okay, you can, but if you do then author Dean Koontz, who wrote the book on which this film was based, will petition to take his name off the credits. Did we mention this is a bad movie?
29. This has become a game of cat-and-mouse between emo edgelord Vassar and Jeff Goldblum in an oversized sweater.
30. Also, Hatch’s wife Lindsay’s role has devolved into Christine Lahti just following him around the house screaming at him, which I think is supposed to evoke terror but mostly leads me to believe the screenwriters didn’t know what to do with her at this juncture.
31. Hatch is going rogue. He’s ditched the sweaters for a turtleneck and a leather jacket and he’s on the hunt for that punk Jeremy once and for all. (I refuse to call him by that other name because it’s ridiculous, this whole thing is ridiculous.)
32. They’ve basically turned Jeremy into a modern-day vampire who can’t go outside because of bright sunlight, which would somehow make this story better? I don’t know anymore.
33. Out of context, the best part so far is Goldblum driving around in his car just screaming “REGINA! REGIIIINAAAAA!”
34. LEATHER ZADDY GOLDBLUM
35. This outfit is only upgraded by the moment where Hatch shotguns his way through a door in order to save his wife and daughter.
36. Also, Jeremy Sisto randomly decided to switch to a British accent with less than 10 minutes left? No, I don’t know either.
37. Christine Lahti calling Jeremy a skinny little f*ck and literally kicking him in the face while wearing a pair of mom jeans is worth the price of admission to this terrible, terrible film.
38. Like… is this supposed to be scary?
39. The implication we’re left with here is that Hatch is a literal angel, meaning Goldblum is a literal angel. No lies detected.
40. I’m sure we’d all like to be Touched By a Goldblum™.